BabyTanuki
Oh yeah the title above the loading screen. Is actually just what would be on a loading screen for a game. If it isnt clear I will have to fix it! I agree with a lot of your age points. There wont actually be any dating until the MC is older or any actual flirting ( I just wanted to create an introduce all the characters in a volume since WN doesn't like short books) . I may have to clear up that Ki section a little. The MC being mentally 20 and from a different time would see it as an adult action were as a 10 year old rich kid from that era would see it as just his maid helping him wash. Hmm you have given me stuff to think about! I'd rather not have any character been seen as a pedo. Thank you!
Your feedback!
The endless rain made the dark and winding road of Hana difficult to drive. << I was not sure if that was a the name of the road or the place or another person.
I think you need a few synonyms for rain since you use it a lot
The lights from her car seemed to be swallowed up. As her car drove through the eternal darkness, the sounds of the continuous rain and her radio stopped, leaving a void of silence. << try joining these two sentences. Like " The lights from her car seemed to be swallowed up, her car seemed to have driven into eternal darkness. The pattering of rain and her radio stopped, leaving a void of silence. I think it could flow better.
"What the!" Macha yelled, her eyes darted around. The scenery suddenly changed, but before she could say anything else, a thick tree trunk came into view. She slammed on her brake and tried to swerve to lessen the incoming impact. In the second before the car hit the tree, her muscles tightened as she gripped the steering wheel. <<< I think this could be two paragraphs since its two different things happening.
She took a deep breath, but an intense chemical odor caused her to cough. << she tried to take a deep breath but a chemical odor caused her to cough may work better here.
Maybe she can also check her body or clothing for wounds which you could use to describe how she looks as a character?
im not sure if I would get back in a car that smelled of fumes. It sounds super dangerous.
Over all really cool starting chapter. If I could give general feedback for it I would say maybe think about pausing for a moment to give the reader a chance to breath. Explain the scenes more. I guess the best way to put it is that it felt like I was reading " and then she did this, then this, and then this and then this" It's not a really glaring issue however.
Ch 2
The process of carving arrows into the tree trunks took longer than Macha would have liked, but eventually, she heard the babble of a stream. <, was she walking as she was carving?
After a little while, Macha came upon the running water of the stream and ran to the water's edge to satiate her parched throat. << she seems wilderness savvy would she attempt to filter or boil the water first?
The next day she ate more figs, but they seemed to disagree with her stomach. She found that the fig diet seemed to act as a laxative. <, maybe remove the second Seemed here. If it disagreed with her then it you can be sure it was actually like a laxative
mm story is good it sounds like a survival game. I would like to see more synonyms though like the first chapter. Pick the most common words you use and change em up a little.
Explain Tyr and Taylen's relationship a little more. Why do they have to protect just her ( is it because she is a mage? What do they look like as people?
ch 3
third chapter start is really good!
What is a onyx wyvern what does it look like? When i think wyvern I imagine something massive.
What is S vitriol it has to be collected of corpses but what is it?
MC is called The child or a child by Tyr and his mob why is that?
is it ment to be Hawai'i or is Hawaii?
ch 4
Krystof gave a smirk and replied loftily, "I wouldn't expect YOU to understand the finer details of a woman's anatomy." As he said this, Krystof rubbed his hands up and down his upper chest. He loved embarrassing Taylen in front of Tyr. << got a bit lost on this paragraph when did taylen get embarrassed?
Macha seems a little unconcerned about the fact that green glow was coming out of some strangers hand towards her. Although the idea of not being killed is gone other things could happen. I'd like to see her a bit more weary.
mm a lot of your authors notes are questions I have about the book. Maybe just answer them in the story?
ch 5
Macha, not able to hide her look of amazement, cried, "Whoa. That's incredible!" This was the first time she witnessed magic being cast, << second time.
If I saw a giant arse lizard I'd be scared. Does she like big scary animals?
His sour mood had subsided a bit. maybe add in " since they had been traveling a while" to give a sense of time. Or it just seems like he suddenly decided to be okay with her.
It would be kinda cool if the elvish tongue was kinda tricky so she spend time repeating the names under her breath or something. Would show a variance in the languages they spoke.
They seemed unconcerned by the starving people and she felt uneasy. <, something like " their lack of concern had made her uneasy"
I wonder how they felt about her outfit as well as the equipment she had with her from the car. Cool story so far. I am a fan of seeing new and old mixed together.
