I will be re-writing my novel, The Jade Gate, as I really didn't like the pacing nor the character. Plus the game system I was utilizing was too complex.

I would appreciate any criticism, pointers etc. on the story. Please post them here and not on the story page itself as they will look out of place once the story had started being re-written.

Thank you in advance to all those who are willing to assist me in this endeavor. Also the title should be "Re-writing The Jade Gate: Please provide advice." But I mis-typed. 🤦‍♂️

    Chapter 1 "I hope Uncle Aiden is fine," mumbled the young Cassandra.-shuldn't there be Joanna?

      Res_Publica
      Good spotting. Thanks. I wrote that chapter before I had names for the characters. Originally, all except the little girl were going to accidentally die. Due to the main character's inability to control his powers. But I changed it so that the MC wouldn't suffer too much guilt when he discovered he was in a real world.

      Please provide more feedback if possible for later chapters. Also did you wish me to review your story in this thread? I feel uncomfortable doing reviews in the actual book since many Original Novels are still being edited so such reviews won't be exact nor fair.

          5 days later

          Sorry for late answer but I had a lot things to do last week.

          He didn't rise alone. Helping his allies to also improve. - Wouldn't it be better if you make it into one sentence?

          the snake like organ dangling between his legs.- nicely said. No man would ever say something like that(and I doubt if any girl would refer to her breast as "melons") but I think it may stay as it is.
          As for chapter 2 overall it looks quite good I think. Story appears to be quite promising.

          As for review for my novel I would pass for now I must to rework it first but I appreciate your proposition.

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