EldridSmith
Done. I left comments on your first three chapters with some suggestions and fixing a lot of grammar/sentence structure issues.

Review below:
Note: I give 5 stars regardless of what I write below. I wrote this review as of 7 chapters.
Writing Quality 3.5/5. This is the main area the novel suffers, though its still relatively easy to read. There are a lot of run-on sentences. Some poor sentence structuring. A lot of comma misuse. Still, I wouldn't let that turn you away from this novel, because it's a quick read that's easy to follow.
Updates: Dunno. New reader.
Story Development 4.5/5: We've got some interesting developments happening very quickly. It kept my interest, which is relatively rare for most novels these days. Minus half a point for unnecessary overuse of time-skips.
Character Design 4/5: What's the difference between Adrian and Eldrid except that one is lucky/athletic and one is fat? Their personalities and emotions need to be fleshed out more. They don't express themselves when things happen. No frowning, questioning, sarcasm, trembling/fear, etc. Despite that, I like both characters. But some potential is being wasted here.
World Background 5/5: I know what's happening. Things only get more interesting as you go with the introduction of Adrian's master.

Final thoughts: You're doing a good job. Your ideas and story pacing are both excellent. Work on grammar, sentence structure, and character emotions. Then your novel will soar in quality. I gave you some example comments in the first three chapters. I hope they help.

    Ierrech
    EldridSmith
    You two may want to review each others novels. You both have almost exact opposite weaknesses and strengths.
    In short, here is what I thought as a reader:

    Lerrech:
    Good:
    - Excellent grammar and sentence structure (Seriously. Best I've seen.)
    - Good character emotions, expressions, etc. EldridSmith, pay attention to Ierrech's fight scene between Sam and the hunter for a good combat scene. Then compare that to your fencing scene.
    -Bad:
    - Pacing is too slow and drawn out.
    - Story Development is hard to follow because too much is happening despite the plot not moving forward.

    EldridSmith
    Good:
    - Story Development. The pace is fast. So much happens in just a few chapters, but it isn't overwhelming to the reader at all. This novel held my interest due to the pacing and that the plot kept moving.
    - World Background. I'm given quite a bit of information about the world without it diving into too much detail.
    Bad:
    - Grammar and sentence structure. It left a lot to be desired.
    - Characters. I felt that they lack distinct emotions and personalities.

          SnoozySloth

          Ahhh that's so true... I am infected by 3 novels that I didn't realise I'm following....
          -LoTR (it's so long because the story moves so slow! So many descriptions but nothing happens)
          -Emperors domination
          -Wheel of time

          Yeah I've been reading @EldridSmith 's novel too. I think its gonna be a pretty big restructuring!

              Ierrech
              English authors often go heavy text with slow plot. It's what we're used to. Some authors can get away with it here, but its important to remember most readers are coming here for the easy to digest fast-paced books.
              Also, a lot of authors make the big mistake of comparing themselves to LOTR or Harry Potter. The individual books in these collections are unusually long. Articles I've read online recommended that beginners plan their individual volumes to be between 70k and 120k words depending on the genre.
              Actually, if you look up Harry Potter length, you'll notice each of the first 3 books are only around 70k to 120k words each. By the 4th book she was popular enough to do whatever she wanted. So the later books get ridiculously long like the LOTR books.
              That's not to say an author has to follow these rules. But it's something to think about.

                  SnoozySloth I also thought I would write a book on 70-100th words, but the reality is cruel. Went to 126th, but the book does not want to end. :)

                      Maili
                      Just to make sure were on the same page, when I said book I was refering to volumes. For example, Harry Potter is 7 volumes.
                      Still, plenty of books will go longer. I'd be shocked if none of my volumes end up going past the average.

                        SnoozySloth yup... my problem.

                        Next novel I'll be going Korean style - super fast plot progression, the entire story can end in 80 chaps! Like "The Breakers" on wuxiaworld - that was pretty good!

                          SnoozySloth Ironically my English teacher is reading this and had no complaints.
                          Though it does need work, to keep up my 1 a day schedule... not as feasible as I'd like.
                          By the way, what chapter did you read to?

                              EldridSmith
                              Hmm. May want to ask your English teacher to grammar check it like a graded paper. She may also not be used to stories, so might not do well at fixing the grammar in them. Many english teachers only ever grade essays and such. When I first started writing stories I had good grammar because I write tons of research papers and such for college. But my writing flow and character emotions left a lot to be desired.

                                  Novel writing is basically linked to your imagination. If you can imagine something great, then its always a good idea to make it into a story if you can readers for it, regardless of you being paid or not.

                                  The greatest hurdle one may face in writing is expressing their imagination. You might have some good idea and you can even imagine it with great vividness, but can you express it using your writings?

                                  If yes, then write it, and don't rush your story. Make sure you write every supporting or bypassing character properly and give them personality. They are not there to just waste words, give them a strong purpose which supports overall story. Any supporting character who is not adding to our protagonist cause is filler character, try to avoid them.
                                  For example, our protagonist wants to become the strongest person, but a supporting character wants to become a poet. If supporting character's dream helps protagonist cause somehow, then he is adding to the story, otherwise, he is there just for the sake of being there.

                                  The protagonist must have a distinct goal. it doesn't have to the final goal as he can set new goals for himself in the middle of the current goal or after achieving the current goal.

                                  These are the lessons I have learned in my time of writing a story.
                                  My biggest mistake in my story was that I gave the protagonist a big powerup at the very beginning, but fortunately, I restricted his ability to use most of it.

                                  I wrote my first novel a couple of weeks ago. It was a story that floated in my mind for a long time. And I wanted to make it happen so I decided to finally write it. The story at the beginning might seem rushed but it settles down after the first fifteen chapters( after getting powerup).
                                  I was hoping some people might look at it and review it, so I can correct my mistakes and write a better story which I enjoy writing and others enjoy reading.
                                  Death: A Shadow of Darkness
                                  There might some grammatical mistakes here and there (such as the wrong comma), but I will correct them very soon.

                                    SnoozySloth two things that I could fix without messing up the story and having a headache... moved the backstory to Aux Volume, added 1 chap to explain the driving force of why things happen... you're right, it'd be too much to try and fix it unless I did a full reboot.

                                    And deleting/ reporting on inkstone is horrible!

                                        Skully_ :cry: I think that's true... I spend more time fixing chapters than writing.

                                        But I find my problem is gaining new readers, not keeping readers...? And that's where early chapters seem to matter

                                            Hi, guys! Since there seems to be some serious (ly good) reviewing going on in this thread, I just wanted to poke my head out and volunteer my novel, Godking: Ascending the Heavens, for some reviewing. It was previously titled The Traitor God.

                                            As someone who has written typical 'English-style' stories before (long descriptions, tonnes of worldbuilding etc.) writing a webnovel has made me consciously change my style quite a lot to become faster paced - I'm just worried I've swung too hard to the other side.

                                            My strategy was to go fast-paced (perhaps its only fast to me, also a problem) and slowly introduce character description and the world. In short, I'm worried my novel's little tidbits of worldbuilding here and there are too scattered/little for readers to feel immersed.

                                            If you guys could have a look and share some thoughts here, that would be much appreciated. Thank you!

                                              Lord_of_Potatoes sorry, having a headache and difficulty to read through now.

                                              The story is good! I'd score it 4 or 5 for every point except updates and world which I can't tell yet, haven't read much.

                                              The story and characters are nice, the broken speech of the younger sister is interesting!

                                              So is the way Blade plots against him.

                                              I wonder why you don't have more interest - probably because there's no hook or really cool thing to catch a reader in the title, synopsis or first chapter?

                                              Maybe put 2-3 paragraphs of AFTER he has gained power at the start? Then flashback to the start of the story?

                                              Something like, "On that fateful day, what I had thought to be disaster turned into a world-changing encounter. One that would change me and my sister's lives forever.

                                              Brimming with power, I could barely suppress the desire to pay back those who plotted our suffering..." etc etc

                                              So that a casual reader who is just looking for cool stuff can read it and look forward to him rising up in power - and finds the motivation to go through the beginning chapters.

                                              I find a large part of the audience on WN is quite young, with short attention span. They have so many novels to read. So if the first few parts aren't "cool!" enough to hook me, I might give up.

                                                Web Novel Novel Ask