Hello Luo Ye! I'm sad to see that no one has yet to reply to you here, but lots of other review swaps have taken off with 20+ posts. That being said, I shall give my attempt to it. Please forgive me for my amateur skills, but I'll try what I can.
I gave your story a short read, namely just the first chapter. I'll tell you why in a bit. I'm not going to focus on the grammar or spellings or punctuation. You've someone for that already. Instead, I'll dive into what I feel like the areas you can concentrate on.
First and foremost, before I get started, I want to tell you that I'm the type of person who decides on "if I read a book or not" based a few factors: 1) how the title sounds like, 2) how the cover looks like, 3) how the synopsis sounds, and 4) if it was recommended. In that order. I'm easily swayed by first impressions. Mind you, I'm not great at making good first impressions myself either, but I get swayed by them easily. Keeping that in mind...
Without knowing anything about your story line or summary, and based solely on the fact that it's a romance novel, that first chapter, I think, is instrumental in how you capture your audience. Did your first chapter create a strong enough of a hook to draw me—as the reader—in?
In that same aspect, that first paragraph and sentence of that chapter is important too, because that sets the tone of the whole story. It either draws my attention in, or causes me to move on to a different story. Your first chapter isn't just for introductions of your main characters and their actions—it also is there to introduce me to your entire story.
- On that note, your starting paragraph wasn't bad, but I have an issue with it. A big one for me.
The sounds of life stirring outside the partially covered windows, combined with the light snoring of the man beside her woke the *protagonist* up from her sleep.
Now, are you trying to tell me a story, or are you trying to have me immerse myself into your story? There's nothing more flow-breaking, i guess, than being reminded that I'm being told as a third party about what she's doing, as opposed to me imagining that scene myself. The word "protagonist" here broke the fourth wall for me. I'm being told that this person IS the protagonist by you. You are now having this conversation with me, saying "Hey, look here. This chick laying by this guy is the protagonist in this story." I'm now listening to a one sided conversation with you, and whatever immersion I had from imagining the sounds of life stirring outside has now crashed to a halt. You don't need to do that. Though I'm not a big fan of repeating words too often in a row, simply replacing protagonist with her would suffice.
The sounds of life stirring outside the partially covered windows, combined with the light snoring of the man beside her woke her up from her sleep.
- An optional improvement area: descriptive statements vs. vague inclusive-statements.
Picking on that first sentence again, you mentioned "sounds of life". What would that entail? Would that be the sound of the newspaper boy, jingling his bell as he ride his bike through the neighborhood? Would that be the sound of cars honking and driving through gravels? Car engines starting up? Birds chirping? Babies crying while being born? I know it seems mundane and unnecessary, but it could improve the immersion greatly and, at the same time, tell the reader more exactly what is going on. Sounds of life in the forest sounds different from sounds of life in the suburbs and cities. Even between cities, it differs based on numerous factors, not limited to financial standing, population size, type of town (civilian base/military base/refugee camp), etc.
By giving us a small hint of what this sound of life could be, it could help set the tone for where this story is taking place. If you talk of "hearing car engine starting in the morning", it would hint that it's in a neighborhood somewhere. If you talk of how you hear "cows mooing and rooster crowing", it would hint that it's by a farm. Lots of kids yelling? It could be by a school or someplace kids gather, like a park or bus stop. Modifying that first vague line can help hint of a location of where this is taking place.
- Third point: Watch the ordering of your descriptions.
You have:
“Things like these would be awkward to explain if she bumped into anyone she knew. After all, thanks to social media, everyone seemed to know everyone. After all, it was a world with only 6 degrees of separation.
The man on the bed was still snoring when she tiptoed out of the apartment.”
When you mentioned that "...if she bumped into anyone she knew...", I was of the notion that she was already on her way out, thinking of avoiding people she knew. I know this is a very minor and moot point because it's perfectly acceptable to think of that situation too when she's still laying in bed, but that's not what initially came to my mind until the next part: "...The man on the bed was still snoring when she tiptoed out of the apartment." I just feel that it would be a better fit to say the "...if she bumped into anyone she knew..." line after she tiptoed out of the apartment, because you're giving the justification for the action after the action. This, I think, is a matter of preference, and I would be okay if you don't use this one. That's fine too, but this is just something I want to point out.
- Fourth: Inner dialogue vs. actual speeches
This is a big one for me. Look at this:
"W-What?" She stuttered, afraid that he might recognize her from somewhere.
This line above is clear. She's talking to someone, asking, "What?"
However, this line here is vague:
"Such a creepy person. As if I'm the only one doing the walk of shame." She cursed him in her heart
Did she curse him as "a creepy person"? Or did she say this line to him while she is internally cursing him? I can't imagine her saying "Such a creepy person" directly to him either. This whole chapter is filled with dialogues that I can't tell if it's inner dialogues (talking to herself in her head), mumbling to herself, or talking flat out with others. If you're unsure of what to use, I can suggest you two different methods: italicizing it, or use a 'single quote' for inner thoughts instead of your "double quotes".
It's alright to use words like ass
openly? Just double check on yourself. As an editor, I was told not to for my novel. It might be different for self-publishing novels, but just double check on that. The one who hands me my paycheck wants me to not use those words, but it might be a different story for you.
- Sixth: Something that bothers me:
Shetook off her top and bra...
, splurge on ice cream, removed her makeup that she forgot to take off, fell asleep (presumably still half naked), her brother walks in on her and tells her to shush, and her parents are arguing.
The important question is, did she ever put her bra/top back on before falling asleep? Did her brother walk into her naked? You found it important to include the fact that she took off her top and bra. Does that mean this family is just really open about nudity, considering that the first thing the brother did was walk in while she was half naked and just shush her without any hints/signs of nervousness/weirdness/shame/shyness/etc? I'm now severely distracted from your original story line, and am not following the pace you have wanted to set for me now.
All in all, you did a great job of introducing us our sociopath, but I can't bring myself to read chapter two. There wasn't anything of substance there to draw me further into your story. I've no sense of direction as to where this story is going. I'm not vested enough into any of these newly mention characters (the mother, brother, and father at the end of the chapter; Jane in the beginning), nor her apathetic sociopathic attitude towards emotions and relationships. I can't find myself to connect to any of the characters introduced thus far.
I liked how you tried introducing two conflicts and how she choose to resolve them (the situation at the beginning and ending of the chapter). I like seeing conflicts and people's resolutions to them. I love how you used inner dialogues and speeches (though clarifications would be extremely helpful as to which is which), and love how you didn't describe the lovely color of her last-night-lover's floor board or the antique lamp she has at home.
I, however, didn't quite like how you went on a "backdrop history lesson about our MC" immediately in chapter 1. That's almost like info dumping to me.
You could, instead, introduce bits and pieces here and there in future chapters, like through the lunch with Jane, with her saying things like,
"You really got to stop with the one night stands! That's all we hear every weekend about you! You have to be more careful!" said Jane.
Kai Xin just sighed.
None of her friends really understood her. They don't understand of her needs for a no-strings-attached intimacy. Of course, she wasn't about to start explaining why she do what she did.
vs your info dump of:
Among her friends, Kai Xin was infamous for her one night stands. Her friends often told her about the dangers but they did not understand her need for no strings attached intimacy. Nor did she ever explained the true reason she did what she did.
Though with the info dump, I am able to see where some of the problems may lie for our protagonist in the future, and what her personality would contribute to said problems.
Now, a question for you: What kind of people do you want to read your story? What kind of story do you want to write? Did you bait me with a sufficient hook on this first chapter? Are you aiming for the reverse-harem-crazed readers who wants to see female MC collect a group of males? Are you aiming for this story to be read by 14 year-old girls? 30-year-old women? Teenagers? Boys? So far, you've introduced the main character as someone who likes sleeping around to satisfy that physical urge. Great, that appeals to a lot of boys. They're hitting puberty, and are curious already about this subject. Now you just gave them someone who almost perfectly fits their imagination: bang and dash, no string attached. You may, though, possibly lose out already on some of the already-scantily few readers who came in for the "emotional feels" under the romance category. They're not here for one night stands. Do you have a way to hook them in?
Also, try to build up some suspense. Try to make me want to know more about your story. Address those issues. I know that, as the writer, you have all this in your head already. What seems to be common sense to you isn't quite so obvious to us as the readers. You have this whole world plot out, but we only see tidbits of what you show us (which is also why i tend to type essays in response to people's questions). Make me want to invest into your story, and your story will kick off.
For additional resources, I recommend googling something along the lines of "writing first chapter checklist".
Here, I got one resource for you.
TLDR: Well, I hope it was helpful if you read it. Do let me know as to why I should continue trying to pick up chapter 2! Show me that it's worth it! G'luck!