Ooo! Nice cover art Reinesse ! I like it...
...so much that I found out where it was from! Angela Baby! Ty ty.
Now, back to your dilemma. Lets look at all the small things first, the things that don't quite matter much at the moment, but could still be looked at in Chapter 1:
Your sentence structure.
Especially in your first paragraph. For ease of comparison, I've typed it all out in separate lines. I'll strike out all the prepositional phrases and adverbs like this, so you can see the structure of your sentences easier. I'll also put in bold the subject and the verb of the independent clause (the part of the sentence that can stand by itself and still be grammatically correct), and italicize any dependent clause (sentences that can not stand by itself completely) or any gerund phrases/participle phrases.
- Huang Liwei is
currently in a practice room, holding a phone.
- Her bag is beside her containing paperworks.
- The light
from her phone gleamed on her face.
- If someone was watching, that someone would notice the bored look
on her face.
- She gave her bag a short glance.
Notice how simple the sentences in 1, 2, 3, and 5 are. One subject, followed by one verb. These are called Simple Sentences (SS). These subject + verb are then followed by slight variations on fluff materials (adverbs/direct objects/indirect objects/prepositional phrases, etc). The switch up on sentence 4 is nice, with a complex sentence (CS). So "sentence structure-wise", your first paragraph notes as:
SS, SS, SS, CS, SS.
Very little variation in the beginning. Try to vary it a tad-bit more. Here's a resource of the different kinds of sentence structures. The rest of the story in chapter 1 does a bit better in varying up the sentence structure, but simple sentences are still prevalent. Try throwing in some compound sentences, or complex sentences. Even better, compound-complex sentences. Vary them up.
I like how you varied your sentence lengths (or, words per sentences) in the first half of chapter 1, all the way up until they started all speaking/introducing themselves.
I'll also put up a chart noting the change in words per sentence that I briefly made. Here, watch out for the areas where I put in a rectangle. Too many clusters like that = too many sentences with very little variance in sentence length. Similarly length sentences tend to be a bit boring for readers. Variance in sentence length is good.
Kudos on varying, on average (eyeballing here), 4-8 words between each sentences!
Funnily enough, the sentence with the most words occurred right after you were talking about ... background information. This sentence have something I wanted to point out too (in bold)
It was the creaking of the door that made her snap out of her blank world and a group of people panned into her sight as the door eased open.
Its just that the order of sequence is presented out of order due to the phrase "as the door ease open". You would hear the door open first, and then as it opens, you see the group of people walk in. Ideally, you want to present information in the order that your brain would register it. Trigger --> thought --> action --> consequences. I know it still means the same thing, but it'll be a better chronological flow like this than how you had it.
The logical order would be creaking of the door --> interrupts thought --> as the door eased open --> sees group of people.
And then... and then... and then...
Avoid using—what I like to call—multiple "and then..." structures, especially if it is all occurring in a single sentence.
She slightly bowed, removed the mouth mask clinging to her face, greeted them politely and made introductions.
This is sort of like reading:
She slightly bowed, [and then] removed the mouth mask clinging to her face, [and then] greeted them politely and [then] made introductions.
Nothing really meaningful happened, and it is boringly long. Try varying it up with something like "meanwhile", "but", "in the meantime", etc. Like this:
After she greeted them with a slight bow, she removed the mouth mask clinging onto her face and introduced herself to them.
Here, we only have one [and then] situation, which sounds slightly better than the original sentence.
Third Person Narrative
You swapped from third person to first person narrative:
She was confused at what the heck is happening. Is there something wrong with my face?
It'll be correct if you somehow note that this is an internal monologue by her (like set it off with single quotes, or italicize it). Instead, if you want to keep it as-is (not an internal monologue of her talking to herself, but allowing the readers to hear the question in her head), you can use third person:
She was confused at what the heck is happening. Was there something wrong with her face?
The same holds true here for this sentence:
If you're ugly, then who is considered beautiful! You're definitely prettier than models yet you had the audacity to ask that. Are you trying to kill us with envy?
That could be changed into something like:
If she were ugly, then who would be considered beautiful! She's definitely prettier than models yet she had the audacity to ask that. Was she trying to kill them with envy?
On Flashbacks
This sentence here needs a bit of tune up. It's choppy, and doesn't flow well for a flashback:
Once, when she removed her mouth mask to order in a cafe in her school, she coughed a lot. The girls behind her seemed to spray a whole bottle of perfume on themselves.
You could change it into something of this nature:
Once, when she removed her mouth mask to order in a cafe in her school, she ended up coughing quite a bit due to the smell of perfume. Granted, if it was a little bit of perfume, she might have been fine, but that day, it was as if the girl behind her showered in their perfume/sprayed a whole bottle of perfume on themselves.
This way, you can transition back to the present much better/easier without throwing me into the confusion of: "Was the leader-like figure still a memory of the past, or are we back in the present now?"
Now those were most of the small things. Here's the biggest one of them all, you ready?
Chapter 1 has no suspense.
Suspense is defined as, according to google, "a state or feeling of excited or anxious uncertainty about what may happen"
.
How does that translate into your work here? Simple, really.
Not once have you created a situation for the main character that would make me feel worry or anxious to know about the outcome.
Here's several points to take notes of:
One: Boiling a story down to its bare bones, a story has a character who wants something very, very badly, and something is there to stop them from getting what they want (an obstacle, like an arrogant young master kidnapping their childhood lover, trying just as hard to stop the character from getting what they want). In your case, it could be a rival, taking over the choreography position from the main character (MC), or the parent wanting them to stop choreographing. The MC would fight back, struggle, and win or lose. But regardless, it's the struggle that we're missing here. There's no struggle.
Two: Your character has no strong motivation to do what she's doing. At least, this is true in Chapter 1. I'll quote you on your reasoning as to why she's doing Choreographing:
Since most from her family joined or will join entertainment industry at some period, she decided to try. And her school's specialty in terms of Alternative Profession Assessment is cinema and performing arts anyway, so why not?
That last three words there: so why not?
It's a very lackadaisical response, with a "I-don't-particularly-care attitude". How can readers empathize with her if she's doing all this for a "meh, why not?" The drive isn't there, the motivation is lacking, and the reader can't connect with the main character. What's there to keep most reader reading?
Three: Suspense helps keeps most readers: readers will worry, be nervous, about what's going to happen next. Make readers fret and fear for the worst about someone they care. Here's a great resource for you to look through.
You can do that by making your character sympathetic. They could be in trouble (like in debt) or vulnerable. They could be underdogs. Or maybe they are just deserving (like, they've tried so hard for so long, just give it to them already).
You can also make them interesting if they're unusual (can see dead people), or extraordinary (have super powers).
They also must have, and I quote, "goals that really matter to them"
.
Really, do look back on that guide. It's super useful in learning how to establish suspense in a story.
Your "Chapter 1" is the face of your story. What you have determines whether reader continues reading, or abandons your story.
Here's a nice 'checklist' to have when writing your first chapter. Heck, you can even google the words, "how to write chapter 1 in a novel", and still be guided to tons of great resources.