As Kaylah wakes up, a dark almost ruby like red in the air surrounds her; she then notices the sound of wood crashing over and over into the ground.

“What is going on?” Kaylah mumbles. She proceeds to look around her in denial of everything, because she had just noticed what seemed to be her body; it was being pounded by burning pieces of wood.

“Kaylah proceeded to rush towards her “body,” but she could not stop the, burning wood from hitting her! She was shocked, it had just hit her, that she was somehow outside her body; as a somewhat intelligent girl, Kaylah understood that she was in some kind of spirt body. She had just witnessed her death, or what happened shortly after it.

She then notices beer bottles around the floor, she is now aware that she was murdered, she is dead, so the second most important person to her is her foster father is in danger! Kaylah rushes towards him, and notices he is dying.

Kaylah’s father cannot see or hear, Kaylah, as he screams in his death cursing a woman!

“Valentina Grayson, I curse you a thousand deaths!” He, starts yelling that phrase over and over almost like it was a chant.

I wrote this, but even thought the content is there, it lacks the despair, I was going for...

    I'll take a crack at it! Gimme just a sec.

      Kaylah shot awake, a dark ruby- like red saturating the air around her. Suddenly, a large crash like the sound of wood tearing and slamming into the ground roared out. And then another. And then another.

      “What is going on!?” Kayla though, casting her eyes rapidly around the room, and froze. There, in the middle of the floor, being pounded by falling pieces of flaming board and cinder, was her body. She stared at it blankly, as if some part of her wanted to deny the sight she was seeing.

      Kaylah rushed to her body, trying desperately to swat away the flaming embers that kept falling on her, but watched helplessly as her hands slid right through the pieces she tried to knock away. Looking at her hands with confusion, it took her several seconds to put the pieces together- she was somehow outside her body. Was she a spirit? Wait... did that mean she was DEAD?!

      She looked around anxiously for a clue to what happened, any clue before noticing the numerous beer bottles scattered across the floor. Beer bottles? But... she didn't drink?

      Without warning, a scream shot through the air. It sounded like it came from her father's bedroom. Leaving her body behind, Kaylah rushed to his room, trying futilely to open the door with her ghostly hand for several seconds before gritting her teeth and showing her body through the door.

      Her father lay prostrate on his bed, shaking and draped in sweat. She ran up to him, calling his name.

      "Father! What's wrong?! FATHER!"

      But the man did not reply, and seemed not to hear her. He mumbled endlessly and incoherently under his breath, punctuating the ranting with screams of the same few words-

      "Curse you to a thousand Deaths, Valentina Grayson!"

      My immediate thoughts-

      First, there is a whole lot of telling in your first draft, and not a lot of showing. You tell us that Kaylah is smart, but don't show her being smart, for example. She immediately infers that beer bottles equal murder, but give us no idea of her thought process to get to that point. You tell us her father cannot see or hear her, but how does Kaylah know that? She doesn't say or do anything to interact with him. I took the liberty of showing you how you could convey the same information by showing, not telling.

      Second, you use a lot of passive voice, rather than active voice. Passive voice is "The house was burning", while Active voice is "The house burned". Passive voice lacks urgency, and needs to be used sparingly in general, but especially if you are looking for urgency in your writing. I almost completely eliminated the passive voice use in the piece. I think you will find this gives it more of the punch you are looking for.

      Third, mind your use of tense. You mixed present, past, and future tenses in this piece, with no sense of coherence as to why.

      I hope these bits of feedback, and the re-write I did help in some way! Let me know what you think!

        Clowniac

        I agree your, version of what I wrote, was far better!
        Thank you for the effort you made in writing that piece, you have a far better sense, of writing then me.

        Being able to see my writing change, so much after your editing, I feel inspired!
        I shall spend time looking, at what you wrote in detail!

        And, I'm sorry but now I must make you my target to overcome, as that was awesome!
        Was that really the same content? Mine is so much worse tear tear.

        Seeing, that and the following article, I have clearly underestimated the task ahead. =]

        https://plainlanguage.gov/resources/articles/dash-writing-tips/ Maybe this was you.... hmm

            Forsaken1
            Dude, don't be so hard on yourself! I've been writing for 20+ years at this point. It's a skill that almost anyone can develop with practice.

            If you want, I'd be happy to start reading your work and leaving feedback on the chapters, if you'd find it helpful!

            Also, maybe reading some of my work would help in some way as well. I'd always be happy to have another reader!

                Clowniac

                I'm writing what, I consider to be a "troll," "novel?" it is mostly a way to keep motivation writing, it will consistent of short stories, and the like.

                https://www.webnovel.com/book/12326640905272305/This-is-a-not-a-novel!-Do-not-read!-You-are-a-victim-of-my-madness...

                it's mostly to made to allow myself to mess around with different idea's without becoming devoted to anything spefic, as my goal right now is to improve, my skill.

                So, if you think this method is poor, and think it would be best to just make a "bad" novel, I could do that.
                I'm just at the state when even if I noticed something was off I could not really see how big it was.

                But if you are willing, id love your input on how I present content in this "troll" novel, or if it was a bad idea I guess scrap the whole thing, as the goal for this was to improve my presentation. =]

                    Forsaken1 Just as an additional piece of feedback- that article you linked is for clear, concise business writing. Some of its advice is great for creative writing. Some of it, however, can and should be ignored under some circumstances, especially the rules about prepositions and gobbledygook. Both are perfectly acceptable and appropriate to use, at least in the realm of dialogue.

                    Learn the rules first, for sure. But, remember that everything is a guideline, and can be ignored if necessary to the desired tone of the character or story

                        Forsaken1 You do you, boo. I've written a ton of short stories, and they can be very helpful for refining parts of your writing skill.

                        However, I also think just committing to writing a "bad" novel straight through and seeing it to the end is a massively helpful experience. Creativity and writing skill are only two parts of being a decent writer. The other two parts are a willingness to stick with something to completion no matter how tedious or boring, and an ability to own and recognize that pretty much every first draft of every great book ever written was complete shit. There are a rare few writers who are mystical unicorns and can produce final quality writing on a first draft. They are freakish mutants, and can go die in a bus fire. No one likes them anyways.

                        Any book that becomes decent does so by repeated rewrites, revisions, and second/third/fourth/thirty-seventh drafts, and most people who would be writers just don't have the discipline or stomach to handle that work. You're going to have to build that skill at some point if you want to take being a writer seriously. So maybe starting a shit novel and seeing it to the end would be better practice in my opinion.

                        You start one from scratch, and I promise I will make every effort I can to review the chapters as I read them and offer suggestions for improvement.

                            Clowniac

                            Sure, I shall shamelessly steal your writing style! muahaha thanks for the help!

                            Clowniac

                            Very, well I shall put out "bad" content, and use that to improve!
                            Thank for the support!
                            Going by your word count the second idea must be best.

                            I hope to see you in my new novel's comment section. =]

                                  Clowniac LOL. Some writers just also happen to have a bit of training as an editor (sorry I know I'm being arrogant by thinking "they should die and no one likes them" applies to me, but that's one of the things my paranoid and lonely self was leaving me to assume these last few days :joy:). I somehow can't stop myself from coming to the forums...

                                  Great points, btw.

                                      WinterBud I don't disagree with you about editors making good first draft writers. Most of my writing skill has come from learning what things I would have fixed in the first draft of previous stories, and then avoiding those mistakes. I now have far fewer things to correct, which is nice. Still a long shot away from "one draft wonder", but maybe one day... XD

                                          Clowniac I know what you mean, teachers can't always be around to guide you, it's better if you could also teach yourself from your own mistakes. That said, I actually just did rewrites for my first two chapters. I recognized how cluttered my original first chapter was after someone pointed it out to me. It was surprisingly easy to "kill my darlings" because I had a good reason to do it, but yeah, still far from being a "one draft wonder" too. I think we'd need to be able to kill at will for that. :P

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