It's my first time writing a story in English and I don't even know what I'm doing. Lol. I'm not giving the link of my story to add some reads, I just want a feedback. A very honest feedback.
If you want to check it out, here's the link:
https://www.webnovel.com/book/13449085206894705
I'll thank you in advance if you give a feedback!
starkwolf Add to my library, I'll give it a review. Please feel free to check mine out when you can:Hi I was wondering if you have some spare time of you could read my novel
https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/13034956405424205?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4300474577
starkwolf
Added to my library, I'll check it out later and leave you a review. Would you mind doing mine.
Title: My brother's friend
Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/12373423206351105
Synopsis: Tang An is a high school student about to graduate. But everything changes when her brother's friend moves in. Battling with trauma from home, she tries to overcome her family challenges but when an unknown secret is exposed, can Tang An survive its consequences or will she die at fates hands?
Note: Anyone who reviews my story will get one for theirs as well, so send a reply to me if you have and leave your link :). have fun and I hope you enjoy it.
XOMatsumaeohana Good, I like how you designed the prologue or the preface of the story, It started with someone who was a subsitute teacher reciting an alleged "Untold Fairy Tale", something unique to masses. Capitalized letters is my preference, for Example: Fairy Godmothers, Poisonous apples. And Queen is naturally, have a capitalized first letter, as she is a ruler of a Country with a governance of Monarchy. And also, using proper grammar, but I think It's tolerable though, But nevertheless, Keep It UP!
I just realized you tagged the wrong person 
(thought you were talking about my story)
XOMatsumaeohana I’m also writing on my phone. I’ll edit it later. Thank you!! 
starkwolf You asked for feedback. Here it goes!
*Note, this is not meant to chastise you, nor is it meant to discourage you. There's easier ways of doing so. This is in hopes that you can take the bits that are relevant to you, and apply it to future works.
First impressions:
Yep, it's Romance.
She is widely known in their country for her brains and beauty, but what truly made her known is her personality as cold as their country.
Their? Maybe "her"? And cold as her country? Is that a euphemism saying she's loose because she lives in a warm place? Or she has a cold personality and her country is like the artics? Hmmm.
THE HALLWAYS were eerily quiet until a woman—probably 5'5" tall, and has slim bodice...
Okay, so I'm going to have to be honest here. If you, the writer, is unsure of her height... we have a big problem. There's no indication that this is coming from someone else's perspective, no indication of whether someone would guess her approximate height. We're being introduced to her, but yet, its only a probably. If you want to be vague, you could use the word "around". Maybe even "a woman of average height". And does the probably in "probably 5'5" " apply to the "slim bodice" statement also? like this:
probably 5'5" tall, and (probably) has a slim body.
Then you jumped straight to her name. Don't. It makes me assume it that one of two things could have happened: 1: the scene jumped elsewhere, and we're focusing onto someone completely different now, or 2: The incredibly shaped woman is called Miranda. But you don't have to thrust this confusion here at this moment. You did a wonderful job introducing her later on when the paper airplane hits her head.
Additionally, you'll have to be careful about how you're pairing your speeches with other people's action (unrelated to the speech). Like here:
"I am Miss Miranda Thorne. Now, what's your current topic in literature?" One student raised her hand and Miranda nodded.
The student raising their hand and Miranda nodding seemed almost as if it's happening concurrently with the speech. Maybe separate them using a line break? You don't have to follow this recommendation here, because I feel like it's more of a stylistic choice than anything.
Alright, with that said and done, let me pose a scenario to you.
You're a substitute teacher. (In my experience) every substitute teacher has a substitute plan written for them. You walk into class, asking where the class is currently in on a subject. They tell you "Oh, we're finished with everything actually. You're to just tell us a story".
How would you react? How would you feel? Maybe something along the lines of "Oh, I'll believe you when pigs fly"? But think deeply, how would you feel? Now. Look back at your preface. Miranda didn't show any feelings whatsoever. Instead, she immediately thought of a story that she'll never forget, and then decided to tell them that story.
How believable is that to you? Can you see that happening? Yes, I understand that she has a moral to her story: And how a single lie can ruin everything you have. But she displays none of her incrudility at their response. She just seemingly... accepts it. It reminds me of the light novels where the main character gets hit buy truck-kun, and they reincarnates. They just readily accepts that they've reincarnated after getting hit by a truck and move on. And then the rest of the story barely pertains or is related to the MC's past life at all.
What I'm trying to say is... it's a setup for your story, but it's not very believable. The acceptance the character has is... unreal. I just can't relate.
Did you know that you can mark a chapter as "irrelevant"? Try marking chapter 1 like that. Maybe you'll get your actual chapter numbering correct like that.
I'll try to keep this section briefer:
Watch out for run-ons
A golf cart appeared beside Waldo, he let Leath get in safely and he drove the golf cart to the dormitories.
Look. here's where I told you to watch out earlier:
"You know me so well, Sir Waldo." Waldo laughed.
It seemed almost as if Sir Waldo said that to himself as he laughed.
Alright. So there are quite a bit more run-on sentences here and there, every now and then. And then, we get to the last part of chapter 1:
"Present," she said.
The blue-eyed professor grinned and sexily chuckled.
On a lighter note, whenever I see sexily chuckled/laugh sexily, that's what comes to mind. It's a wonderful laugh. :P
Chapter 1 was decent. You're introducing characters all around. The Double-A twins, the MC and her sister, a knock-out gorgeous guy as a professor. And this is all happening in an elite academy.
You've introduce in a minor conflict point: He used to bully her when she was little. She doesn't remember him. She doesn't care about current him either. And he's still lapping up to her atm.
Tension-wise, there isn't much going on besides the school-playground drama. The kind of tension you get when, in Finding Nemo, they all saw Nemo swam up to out to the open water, and touched the boat.
"Don't swim in the open ocean" and "HE TOUCHED THE BOAT"
In parallel, that is what's going on here: "That guy's so hot" and "She stood him up". Gasps all around. Very little tension build-up elsewhere. The only suspense at this point is, "How far is the guy going to to to get her attention?"
You've briefly touched up on the fact that they graduate at 20, and that:
"she did not come to school just to have some fun and earn lots of friends, she came because a person like her needs a proper education from an educated teacher on a prestigious school."
Well, alright, she didn't come to school to have fun. But what's the importance of getting a proper education from an educated teacher in a prestigious school? What's so important about it? I don't understand, and I can't relate. Other than this, we know nothing else about our main character at this point. We don't know what her motivation is, we don't know what makes her tick. We know nothing about her personality either besides the fact that "she's suppose to be cold" and doesn't care too much about social gossips. So far, I'm not relating well to her. Nor am I relating myself to any of the characters introduced.
I've no sympathy for these characters. One reason why we love reading about great characters is, in part, due to wish-fulfillment. We feel the characters' hopes, their fears, their accomplishments, their relief. Try to make your characters more deserving of my sympathy. You've established a goal that really matters to the main character, but I still can't relate to that goal; therefore, I can't understand her desperation to accomplish said goal.
With all this so far, I feel like this novel might head towards the direction of building up sexual tension and sexual release. I hope I'm wrong.
I'll keep making this point:
"That's enough entertainment for you, young Lords and young Ladies. My name is Hayden Moreau, your temporary History Professor until Summer Break." The girls groaned.
Read that. It almost seems like the girls groaned out that statement.
Also:
most chill and coldest --> chilliest and coldest
Now, with the introductions out of the way, the info dumping/filler materials are in. Random statement about "a group of boys laughing at a girl with huge breasts, almost flaunting it". Are the boys almost flaunting their laughter, or is the girl almost flaunting her huge breasts? Regardless of which, we're, again, introduced to some simple sexual tone. That's like the random sex scene thrown in the pilot episode of Game of Thrones to keep people around. If you want to use the sex, you got to tease. Butter up the lady. Tease. Take one step forward, and two step back. Rebuild. A slight tantalizing touch during a dance. Tease again. Oogling like middle schoolers isn't sexy.
Grammatical note: you should also look up how to use speech tags. It does get confusing trying to follow who's saying what with your current speech setup.
The big "reveal" of the location that they're going to visit doesnt' have much impact. It lacks the "oompf" behind it. There was no indication before hand that they're from Silvenia. You could have introduced/stated/mentioned something in a brief conversation back in chapter 2:1 about Silvenia, to prepare the readers for the moment when the professor says "Silvenia". He said it, she looked at him... but the connection isn't there (for us, the reader). At that point, it seems like you, as the writer, conveniently pulled out a name in this chapter because you don't know what to do here, and treated it as if everyone else in the story knew about this all along.
And then I get to the pool scene...
"Piper, I'm going for a swim." She took off her robe and gave it to Piper, her assistant.
"Have a good one, Lady Leath." Leath stretched her muscles and looked at Hayden's direction before giving him a perfect dive. She smiled underwater when he saw his mouth agape.
LEATH MAYFAIR is one hell of a woman. Hayden watched her strip off her robe. Everything went slow when she gave it to another woman. His jaw literally dropped when he saw her slim bodies but her curves were on the right places. He's a man, he can not help it when he looked at the two mounds that are covered by a black bikini. It was not the average size of someone her age. There are few females in the pool area but his attention was focused on Leath Mayfair only. Aric's twin looks fine too but he can't help but stare at Leath as she gave him the most beautiful dive he has ever seen.
I think I'll stop here. It feels too... undeveloped. I understand the situation, but it has this "undeveloped" vibe to it. I feel that the rest of the story may be like this too. Maybe if this was a movie, where I'm physically seeing it, I'd watch. But this is a story. There's no physical scene. What we have, though, are words. Words aren't best used to describe physical things in a story. They're best used to describe emotions, make connections, and develop a bond. That'd be a lovely scene to see, I'm sure, because of the great eye candy. But emotionally, I'm not getting anything out of it. There's no connection. Just a physically-described hot guy pursuing a physically-described hot girl. Almost like Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray.
If you take anything out of this at all: Please use an grammar/spell checker, and brush up on how to punctuate speech tags.
G'luck with the fairy tale, story teller. Hobey-Ho.
Thank you so much for this one!
no, I won't put magic in this one. lol
I'll edit this story after I finish it. I just have to get it out of my head. But thank you all so much!!
