All right, don’t look at the three and a half stars and think that I disliked this story. I didn’t. In fact, I liked this story enough to add it to my library.
But I’m going off what I said each number rating equals in the forum, 3=average, which is what I found most of this story to be. According to the low Webnovel standards on here, I could’ve boosted this by 1 star as some reviewers do, but I believe it’s more constructive done honestly this way.
Writing Quality: Average
Update Stability: Great — it’s generally 5 unless you update super sporadically with month long lapses
Story Development: Above Average
Character Design: Average
World Background: Average
Let’s go chronologically. First chapter in, I wasn't (typo, spelled "was" at first lol) impressed by the beginning. It wasn’t gripping or unique. We’re merely in an company meeting with the father and company owner spoiling his daughter above the actual hard working employees. Pretty typical and basic to be bluntly honest due to the enormous amount of CEO/business stories on this site. If I was reading leisurely, I might have dropped it. But I do like giving stories a fair shot regardless, and for the sake of my offering feedback, I continued.
And I’m glad I did.
From there to chapter 5, you did a great job compacting the story’s plot, background, and main conflict. It had a great twist where the main lead was not Liany as might be expected (I did not read the synopsis first) but Karen, who would usually be the “white lotus” or “bitch” of common CEO/business romances. Additionally, it takes on a fantasy spin with Liany and Dott to then finally the immortals and dead man’s curse. Well done.
I thought about stopping at 5, but continued to the end of all current chapters—16.
This is still very early into the story, so I can’t fully critique or advise you. Take these as pointers to consider as you continue writing if you’re not already aware of them.
Here’s my suggestions/advice:
- Character development for Karen.
I believe you’ll do this anyway without me saying, but I strongly emphasize this. Personally, I dislike that she gets another chance so easily after what’s she done with a relatively “easy” way to get out of her curse. She just needs to kill a guy. Yes, he’s an immortal, but he’s still human. Yes, I know she’s going to fall in love with him. And there, I do hope she suffers and learns. I’m kinda evil as an author, so this would be what I do hahaha! And I imagine that some readers would want her to grow and maybe learn the hard way in order to atone for her past life, but also just because that makes for a great story with MC development. So far, it seems you’re leading on this path, so that’s good.
- Male lead who doesn’t follow the common cliche seen on WN.
Not much to say, just my general hope. Anyone who has been on this site long would know exactly what I mean. Basically, just make sure he has his own flaws and personality without becoming a handsome suave man, can do everything trope. I didn’t rate on this since he hasn’t appeared yet.
My comments on writing technique.
As noted in a paragraph comment, your command of English is satisfactory that it won’t give a native speaker any mild annoyances and drop reading since readers actually do that lol. Compared to WN, your English writing could be considered generally good. But again, WN has some pretty bad grammar lol.
There are frequent incorrect syntaxes, but it’s not super jarring to read. Unless someone is very knowledgeable and confident about English grammar, I doubt they’d even notice.
With that said, there’s a large room for improvement, especially with writing style which is basic. This is neither bad nor good. This is a web serial, so I’m not expecting Pulitzer winning style writing haha. Developing your writing style is something which takes time as your write much more.
The last few chapters the story dragged a little. If you could keep the pace found in the earlier tenish chapters, that would be optimal. In those earlier chapters, you kept readers on the edge with good twists and action. Just a small note. This might not even be necessary to say depending on what the following chapters are like.
And this is me being picky. You’re my first in line for reviews from the forum thread, so I’m fresh for providing more in-depth feedback and suggestions before I get tired and do just glance reviews lol.
In conclusion, good job so far! You are merely just beginning and this story has the potential to become really good.