yeah i know i try to improve all that as i go. i always think i am not giving enough info and then end up talking too much. juts like in real life.

    takunithecat

    good news is that your info dump incorporates well into the first chapter, so there's that, and the writing is pretty good. Setting is established well.

    Still, certain parts feel like you're telling the story rather than actually engrossing the readers. 10th paragraph is probs the most jarring, simply because you go from general worldbuilding to focus on two kids and you write: two children could be seen, maybe write "were desperately seen...." instead of "could be seen" to reduce clutter and make it a bit more cohesive.

    Check the cohesiveness of the 11th paragraph, think there's a mistake there.

    also edit: I realize that it was in fact being told, but I still don't like the 10th paragraph haha.

    your novel is really interesting.

        thanks for the honesty really . sometimes people are embarrassed to do that.
        will try to take your advices into consideration really thank you sensei. >.<

        AuHNG Hello, thank you for your review! It's my first time trying to write so I don't really know how to Ahah. I even stop at some point it's been months since I have stopped to write.... Any way many thanks for taking the time to read!!

            AuHNG Oh yeah, did you comment once on a paragraph? I think I remember seeing your username

                AuHNG I get what you mean and I agree with you. I haven't started using Grammarly in my first 20 chapters of my story (I never edit them too), hence, the messy sentences/incomplete thought processes as a result. I'll try to edit them in my free time! Thank you for pointing them out! :)

                  [unknown]

                  grammarly is pretty useful for small mistakes, but writing is something you have to work on by yourself.

                    https://www.webnovel.com/book/embracing-the-villain's-thigh_18730976305761305

                    AuHNG id like to collect urs ((: hope u can collect mines too

                    Others have the sun, but I have you.

                    Xu Wenqi transmigrated into a dog-blooded book as the villainess childhood sweetheart of the male lead! Offending the male lead, she made up her mind to hug the golden thighs of the villain to ensure her survival. However, the villain is cold, paranoid, and ruthless. No one knows how much of a burden he has to carry being schizophrenic. -

                    Disclaimer: This is a warm, healing novel and may not fully and accurately represent those with mental disorders, especially schizophrenia patients.

                        Hi, how about trying mine? It's a fantasy story titled Divine Fate. There's lots of adventures, actions, and mysteries.
                        Feedback is much appreciated 💛

                        alernatetext

                        Link: Divine Fate

                        Synopsis:
                        From the moment she was born, Cierre knew she was different from the others. For starters, she was born from a tree. Not only that, she was able to walk and speak the moment she opened her eyes to the world. She had basic knowledge like a person that had been living in society for a good few years.

                        So, why was she born different? What was the purpose of her birth?

                        This was something Cierre had been questioning herself. It wasn't until her coming of age ceremony did she has a glimpse of the answers she was looking for.

                        Cierre received a prophecy. One bearing an ill-omened fate, and knew she ought to put a stop to this terrible fate. Not because she wished to be a mighty heroine that saved the world. No, it was because this future would bring disaster to everything, including those precious to her. Her family, her friends, the beautiful residence she called her home and the city she had been living her whole life. Oh, how terrible would that be if they were to be ruined.

                        "You wish to ruin everything in your sight? Go ahead. It has nothing to do with me. However, mess with what I deem precious, be it my fate or not, I will kill you without mercy."

                        On her quest to find the answer for her life-long questions and put a stop to a terrible fate, Cierre met many people and experienced many things. She encountered joy and sorrow.

                        Amongst all things that she had experienced, there was only one person who made a massive impact on her life. She had put his name in a big bold red letters on her mental note. This person would pester her non-stop and caused her blood to spike most of the time and at other times, confusion. Oh, and maybe a bit of happiness. Just a bit.

                        And so, the gears of fate began to turn. Moving towards the divine fate.

                        https://m.webnovel.com/book/at-last-i-found-you-in-my-world_18878442705414505
                        Synopsis
                        He came out of meteorite crash. The world is unknown to him. But there he met her and he found someone he can grow attached. But no one knows his secret, not even her. Will he ever tell her? What will happen to them in the future?

                        Author Note
                        This is a project I'm trying out for the competition. If you enjoy it, drop a power stone and I'll keep writing

                        Web Novel Novel Ask