Arcana_Legends Hi sure! I’ll review yours tomorrow since its late here rn. Please do tell me on how I can improve as for the prose as well! :))
Detailed Review Request Thread!!
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@Dark_Scholars
Alright little disciple, Roturier-sensei got to you. Be sure to read that attentively, cause it might just help you. I sure hope it won't break you. I tried to add my comedic style to it but... hum well you know.
Y.R. Honest review #3
Title: The To Do List
Author: Dark_Scholars
Chapters read: Until chapter 3
Story:
The plot as it was presented in your synopsis is interesting to me. How-the-very-ever, it doesn’t even make its entrance in the first three chapters. Which is very frustrating. I was looking for it but only found a lot of info on some old forest, a war, some kind of op guy, two boys that look like will hookup each others in the near future, etc.
Basically, your first three chapters are what we called “info dump.” It’s basically bombarding your readers with informations at every turn. Example:
Paragraph 1: Hey, there was that war with that guy there!
Paragraph 2: Hey, there was that tree and another tree next to it. BUT they aren’t the species!
Paragraph 3: Hey, there are a lot of storage rings here! In that one there are swords from a long lost empire, in that one… blablabla
Paragraph 4: Hey, there will be… blablabla.
I think you got it by now. Anyway, info dumps were a popular concept when fantasy started, but then dropped to favor more… hum “diving into the story openings,” but it is now knowing an unprecedent golden age with online novels. Which I don’t understand why. Info dumps are really hard to digest. Although, that’s my personnel opinion, I can understand that there are readers out there that like those kind of intro to a book.
However, to my mind, as a reader, I want to dive into the story, not to know what event took place a long time ago, not what that particular tree is, not what that guy has in his pants, and all that in one chapter! It is hard to read, and doesn’t make “me” wanna read more. So, I’d suggest you rewrite your first three chapters. Particularly your Prologue and Chapter one.
Make them more immersive. Describe what your character sees but not the HISTORY of what he sees. Use his five senses, what does he touch, smell, taste, hear and sees. How does he react to those? What does he think of his surroundings? How does he feel about it?
For example, instead of talking about the war maybe you could just explain or even better, show that he is sad or downright tired of playing hero. And that that particular war exhausted him, cause I sure didn’t feel that, but it was right in your synopsis tho. I’d recommand you use it early on in the story, if you did use it, I’m sorry, my mind wondered because of the info dump and I didn’t see it.
By the way, Webnovel automatically write for you “Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3, etc.” SO it brings me to my other advise. But take a look at this first.
Chapter 2: Chapter One
Chapter 2: Razel’s Awakening
Which is more appealing to you? Right, I won’t even bother telling you. So, becareful with those. Maybe I’m being nitpicky but that actually caught my attention rather quickly. I’m that kind of bastard ekekeke.
World building:
Apart from that, it is clear that this world is vast. An ancient war, artefacts from ancient times, reincarnation, a certain library, etc. How-the-very-ever, the way it is put together is a tad-very-bit messy. It might be clear in your head, because you got the story there, but I’d invite you to reread it and see the flow. Not the flaw like issue but flow like flowing water. To begin with, if you can rearrange your three first chapters and make it so they aren’t info-dumps, it’ll be much clearer to my opinion.
Character design:
Hum, Razel is physically well depicted and has an appearance that screams “mystery” to it. You did spend some time on characterization. How-the-very-ever (I’m starting to like that made up word), you don’t dive deep enough into his psyche. Which brings me back to my previous advise, use the five senses to SHOW what’s going on. And also, do tell what he thinks. And did I already tell you I’d advise to avoid info dumps? Yes? Ah well, then I’ll you again. Avoid info dumps.
Writing quality:
Alright so, it’s far from being the worst I’ve seen, so don’t worry I won’t charge at you like the incredible Hulk. In fact, I perceive a really good descriptive MIND. What I mean by that is you have the potential to describe things beautifully, with elegance, unlike my rough-stone-like writing style. You just lack the knowledge to do it. But fear not, because guess what? It gets better with time and perseverance. If you want to speed up the process you can take online courses. There are a lot of free courses out there. I’d suggest you look up the following issues online:
Punctuation: there is a clear lack of punctuation usage. A pity, because those can a real-life saver sometimes.
Tenses: Present tense and Past tense, see their usage and differences. However, I do recommend to stick to past tense at all times when you're writing. There are exceptions of course like during dialogs. But stick to it at all times. But first learn how to use past tense because I've seen a hell of lot of tenses issue.
How to avoid repetition (I actually don’t know if there are courses for that one.
You can also find some really interesting free excercices on… damn what was that site name again hold on… Ah yeah, Khan Academy. Look it up. It sure helped me. Tho I got sick of that training after a month I sure got out of it with a better grasp on our dear English language.
Anyway, that’s all I could think of. Pray tell if you have something to add or ask.
Read you later Darkie.
PS: You could have told me it was a BL.
Yoan_Roturier
Sensei, it didn't break me
rather I would say I am excited. Maybe it is the feeling of knowing what is actually wrong.
To be honest, a friend complained about the prologue and I have been feeling stumped, not knowing what to do because the prologue is about the ml, not the mc (a bl term) Sorry about not telling you about the bl. It wouldn't show in the first 50 chapters or much later, the novel is not primarily romance but slice of life.
About the info dump
What to do? If it is too little, the reader would have no clue, too much, it is a dump and takes them out of the novel. I really need to learn to incorporate it in slowly? How to do that or should I post a guide first like some books.
Thanks for the compliment 
First, I was told I need to spend more time describing, now I am praised for it. I have improved, it is exciting.
Yes, the world is really vast especially as there are two timelines.
Thanks for the review Sensei, it was worth the wait. I will try to fix it 
at my own end. Thanks again
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Dark_Scholars
Try reading about how to write the first chapters online. You'll be surprised by how much useful infos there are out there.
You can also read the openings of Webnovels famous books... although... some of them are... limited.
You can also read mine, however, it's not the perfect example of what should be done. I have my own writing style after all and made it quite... hum... fast paced.
As for your description, keep in mind that I complimented your train of thought. Your actual writing got blurred by grammar issues. If you can learn to fix your grammar issues then you'll probably do fine or even great.
Furthermore, I should add that prologues... are prologues. What you did my disciple is the first chapter. Not really a prologue in my eyes. Prologues are meant to introduce some clue to foreshadow a certain event, but it doesn't introduce the story as the first chap does. Humm, note that I might be wrong on that. That's how I use prologues.
So do switchback that title into chapter 1 kakaka.
Yoan_Roturier @MimiTea I think you guys are seeing the wrong cover (the old one). I'm really sure what's going on. Maybe refresh a couple of times? The new cover is supposed to have a girl falling into the sky. If it still doesn't change, I'll send a DM on discord.
@Yoan_Roturier @MimiTea Also, the reason why I re-designed my old cover was because of the stuff you guys pointed out. The cover just felt kinda 'off' for me. Here's the link again to see if it works this time.
Yoan_Roturier
Lol... it wasn't just the grammar. Trust me. I've read novels on this app for over 2 years and I have over 400hours of reading, so you can imagine that I've come across my fair share of books with bad grammar.
Funny enough, I'm one reader who will still read a story with terrible grammar as long as I enjoy the storyline. There was one such book. I kept reading till like 32 Chapters even though the grammar was beyond unbearable.
My curiosity was keeping me going. I kept asking myself... "Why are you still reading this?", but I kept on reading nonetheless.
So trust me. Grammar was not my only problem. The overall reasoning capacity was fundamentally flawed.
Yoan_Roturier
Lol... it wasn't just the grammar. Trust me. I've read novels on this app for over 2 years and I have over 400hours of reading, so you can imagine that I've come across my fair share of books with bad grammar.
Funny enough, I'm one reader who will still read a story with terrible grammar as long as I enjoy the storyline. There was one such book. I kept reading till like 32 Chapters even though the grammar was beyond unbearable.
My curiosity was keeping me going. I kept asking myself... "Why are you still reading this?", but I kept on reading nonetheless.
So trust me. Grammar was not my only problem. The overall reasoning capacity was fundamentally flawed.
MimiTea Weird. Here's the link, then: https://www.webnovel.com/book/non-player-character_20219961506365305
Arcana_Legends Okay I’m gonna go over 5 main points for your novel.
- Bulky paragraphs
Most users read on their phones, so it’s recommended to limit paragraphs to 1-3 on webnovel. 4-5 if truly necessary. It’s very hard to read and focus for the average reader because of that.
- Too much telling
There’s way too much telling, not enough showing. Starting from the prologue, it should be more description than telling the reader what the MC thinks. You spoil the whole mystery for them to try to guess at things. Same thing with the rest of the chapters. Way too much thinking in between each dialogue and action.
- Cover??
Why is there no text on the cover? A few authors can get away with this but it shows a lack of effort on the writer’s part, especially if the book is new/isn’t popular yet.
- No Conflict
A fight goes on at the end of chapter 2 and start of chapter 3, but it doesn’t equate to a story conflict. The question behind every story is “Why should the reader care?” In a villainess story, the villainess is out to get revenge. In My Vampire System, it’s a war between entire races. In Doomsday Wonderland, it’s first to survive then slowly to survive with friends. It’s a full length conflict that doesn’t end in 1, 2, or even 30 chapters. What is yours? (Rhetorical question) For the most effective first chapter, you need to dive right into conflict as soon as possible. Show the reader what’s exciting about the plot of the novel.
- Lack of Description
Coupled with the lack of showing, there isn’t much of a description anywhere. I get in the prologue that the reader may not know what’s going on, but in the actual chapters they should. I couldn’t visualize the classroom at all since you didn’t describe it. Having even 1-2 details here and there to describe the setting will greatly enhance the immersiveness of the reader.
Side Note: I don’t usually read ML books so I read from an objective standpoint. I hope this is helpful and not hurtful because there is potential!
Epyonnn I’m gonna critique it using a number format. Overall, I like it better than your old cover though.
- The Text is Distracting
The black box around the rest distracts the reader from the entire cover than to read the text and enjoy the art. It entirely overshadows the girl in the background, and I think you need to remove the box and just do some shadowing if necessary instead.
- Too Dark
The overall cover is too dark. It’s very hard to see the girl to be honest, and looking closer, I see that you drew her to be crying. But if I add it to my library, I can’t see that. I don’t focus on the art behind the text either because the black box overshadows everything. I hate to say it too because I’m also suffering from this, but webnovel readers prefer visually striking novels (aka vibrant colors) as opposed to darker ones.
If you could lighten or turn up the saturation (after removing the black box), it could turn out to be much better.
Hope this helps!
@Yulainei I read your novel up to the most recent chapter, and here are some of my thoughts:
Grammar is good, and there were just a few mistakes that can be fixed with a little proofreading.
I had mostly easy time following the story, but you introduced too many characters in the beginning without giving much description. In the end, I just imagined most of the people's faces as blobs (not that my imagination is that good anyway).
My biggest issue is with how the story opens. I haven't read anything from the cultivation genre, so these opinions are just from my initial impressions.
Firstly, the beginning is way too slow. Nothing really happened. The main character is born, and the families have a banquet, but that's it. You have fantasy, adventure, and action in your tags, but the only thing I've seen so far is fantasy (and a little bit of action from the two kids' duel). I know that you'll get to the epic stuff later on, but the beginning is just too stale. Additionally, give at least a little bit of explanation about the magic system and the cultivation system. A couple of sentences should suffice, and you shouldn't go too in-depth if you want to keep the air of mystery. When you're writing a fantasy, you shouldn't expect that the readers will assume the rules in your world.
Secondly (and this ties into the first point), the main character doesn't do anything. He gets birthed, but he's a baby, so what's he supposed to do? Sometimes, starting at the very beginning of a person's life will lead to a boring opening unless other people are pushing the plot forward. As a general rule when writing a story, you want to write it from the perspective of the most interesting character, and start in the most interesting part of the timeline. Necessary information about the past can be given through a flashback. Since the MC couldn't do anything, you made the supporting characters do stuff, but it wasn't anything exciting, unfortunately.
Remember that a good plot consists of three main aspects: a goal, stakes, and urgency (I learned this from a YouTuber named Filmento). To give a quick explanation, the main character needs to have an end goal that they are trying to reach. Since you're writing a cultivation novel, the end goal is already intrinsically there, but the characters still need to work for something in the short term. As for stakes, there are none in your story, since nobody is trying to solve any sort of problem in the world. Finally, there's no urgency either, because there's no metaphorical bomb that will go off if the main characters don't defuse it in time. When you begin a story, you should set up at least one of these three aspects of the plot, with the most important one being the stakes. I'm afraid that if you don't start off with a bang, the readers will get bored and will drop the story after a couple of chapters.
I don't want to call you out too hard on this, but your first four chapters are mostly fluff. Unless something ridiculous happens soon, most of that stuff can be cut out, and you could have started off the novel when the main character began his training.
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MimiTea so what I mean is that for instance the beginning prologue piece. It's very descriptive which works for that moment because it's a slow moment between lovers. So, it's beneficial for it to linger and to have gravity.
But for a lot of the chapter it's all deep description hitting every excruciating detail but if you really broke down the events of the chapter all the main character really did was get kicked out and ran to a wagon to get shelter. That makes a lot of those details feel like fluff when I'm reading them and instead of getting immersed I get lost trying to really understand what's going on and why. It takes away a bit from getting to know your main characters actual qualities and getting invested in her. The romance genre is more character driven in my opinion which means I need the characters to hold the spotlight and drive the action and so forth.
I tend to stray myself from heavy detailing surroundings unless it absolutely matters and instead focusing on getting out the beats of the story. Just my opinion of course I think the premise is fantastic and has tons of interesting avenues to explore. Hope this is helpful.
Arcana_Legends thanks!! 
