Idowu_Mutiu I read a little bit of your novel, and every paragraph is one sentence for some reason. Also, some words are misspelled or just the wrong words to use in the context. Please work on grammar. I can't really give a good critique of the story if I can't understand what's going on.
Detailed Review Request Thread!!
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Just for future reference if anyone is looking for an honest review: I've been getting busy lately, so I'll only read your novel if it's formatted properly and has good grammar.
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Idowu_Mutiu
I agree with Epyonn, it is very hard to read. First the structure of your paragraph is too dense. And I'm reading on a laptop. Imagine readers who read on a smartphone. With such small screens, you're downright sure that it's gonna be suffocating to read.
Added to that the fact that you barely... nop actually you have just one full stop in one paragraph. So here are some suggestions:
Break down your paragraphs into three or four lines on a laptop screen. If you can make a huge ass paragraph but there need to be a purpose for it.
Use more full stops to separate your sentences. Commas, semi-colons, and emdashes are great and all but cannot bring the relief/breath of fresh air and separation of ideas that full stops do.
Careful about the tense you use. Past tense and present tense are mixed up. Stick to either past tense or present tense.
That's it from me. I just developed a bit of what Epyonn said to help clarify some of it.
Mayemura
Hi, so I got real quickly into your first chap and you got the same issue as our comrade one post above this one.
Your paragraphs are too dense. Break them up and you'll see an immediate improvement in your book structure. As for dialogs, try to distinguish them from actual descriptions by jumping lines.
Eg:
"blablablablabla" he said, while blablablabla.
Blablabalbla interesting descriptions, blablablabla.
"blablabalabla." he replied, blablabla.
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I'm sorry for doing this but I don't like to see what I'm seeing. Please at least reply to d_elfe who took the time to make an honest review of your first chapter.
If necessary, I'll make a list of people who do not uphold their promises and write it down on the first post of this thread. In other words a blacklist. I'd really hate to do that and play police but if that's what it takes to avoid UNFAIRNESS, I will do it.
So please, at least do respond to her. This doesn't apply only to you but to other people tempted to cheat their way out of a review SWAPP. If you agreed beforehand with the other party to not SWAPP, then it's fine.
I hope you don't take this personally. I know you might just be busy somewhere else but I'll be honest, you do seem suspicious by making so many promises then disappear afterward.
Best regards.
Can I have it as well? Recently, I rewrote mine because some readers were confused/had no idea what was going on... and that was a bad sign. I thought it was better to redo it while it was still early. I just wanted to know if I removed that or at least, minimized it.
But I can't do some detailed reviews... 
, so maybe... 7-day PS as a payment? Maybe, even two weeks.
Title: The Reincarnated Vampire Wants to Say "Hi"
Genre: Fantasy, Isekai
Synopsis: His friend kills him, then he reincarnates to another world, or the familiar phrase, "I got isekai'd". After the crisis, he finds out he's now a vampire bishoujo, a cute girl, but he doesn't have that hole... hmm, that "hole".
However, there are reasons for that. The secrets behind his existence can—
"So, you want to know why we're sexless beings? Instead, question me, all of us, including you; what are the origins of our existence? Who are we?"
The cover photo is not mine. Credits to the artist.
Source: Pinterest - Warfarin, Arknights.
Yoan_Roturier Thanks. I guess she's busy because she didn't return yet to this post, but I'm glad I'm not forgotten, especially since I really take time for reviews.
Cheers !
PS: I'm a she :D
d_elfe, Of course, you can suggest me, the more the merrier! After some reviews from you seniors, I realised that it was my first chapter which was creating a bad impression of my hard work. Since I am enjoying writing my work and got to know where things have gone wrong, now I can write more confidently! Thank you so much!!!
I don't know why but whenever you guys give me honest reviews, my excitement increases after each review!!! Ok now I have to do this, I have to do that, Woah!! This was a bit unexpected but still I am enjoying!
Epyonnn thanks, I'll work on it
@Dedz_ I've read five chapters of your novel, and I'm left with one question: what the heck is going on??
1. As Bland as Over-Cooked Chicken Without Any Seasoning
You tend to put a ridiculous amount of useless detail. I'm okay with waxing poetic every now and then, but most of your descriptions are bland and repetitive, sometimes even completely pointless.
Just like you, I also make the mistake of listing out descriptions. I've been trying to get out of that habit, but creating a vivid scene is an art that takes lots of practice. The best way to get better at it is to read more books and expand your vocabulary.
For vocabulary, I used to do this thing where I would read a book and look out for words that I didn't know, and then I would make a note of them. For example take this excerpt from the fan-translated first volume of Fate/Strange Fake, taken from HumbertoZero's Tumblr:
"A cleft.
That city, rising from the darkness of the surrounding hinterland, was certainly worthy of
being called a “cleft”.
It was not a disjunctive barrier, of the kind that might separate day from night; light from
darkness. Rather, it was a harmonious barrier, one that demarcated a boundary between things
of the same ilk. That was the strange thing about the city of Snowfield."
This is only the beginning of the volume, but it does such an amazing job of describing the city of Snowfield. Immediately, I spotted the words "hinterland," "disjunctive," "demarcated," and "ilk." I know none of these words, so I would look up their definitions and write them in a journal or in my phone notes. Then, I would write a sentence using that word. It sounds like some boring English class exercise, but trust me when I say that it really helps with vocabulary. I don't do it as much anymore since it sometimes takes me away from the reading, but it's helpful.
2. Fluffy Fluff Fluffs
Attention span is limited, so make sure everything in your story is necessary. I'm not sure how many words your first chapter is, but I can sum it up pretty quickly.
A dove flies into a palace, and we meet a queen who wakes up from her sleep. Then, the main character wakes up, realizing it was just a dream.
You spend such an enormous time describing the dove and the palace, but what was the point? Is there any significance to the dream? When I finished the chapter I was left feeling like that John Travolta meme where he looks around confused.
The same thing happens with the later chapters where you go on such long tangents describing stuff.
I'm a simple man; just get to the point.
As Shakespeare wrote, "Brevity is the soul of the wit."
3. I Got Reincarnated as a Genderless Vampire Loli
I'll be straight with you, the main character is pretty run-of-the-mill. He doesn't do anything that grabs my attention.
Sure, he gets brutally murdered, but why? And how? He gets reincarnated as a genderless vampire loli, but why? And how? Who the heck is this dragon? What is that random voice that started speaking? Where is the main character's hole? What is going on?
In a sense, it feels like you just slapped together a bunch of random plot points without any direction in mind. I'm sure most of this stuff will get explained in the future, but as of now, I'm left so utterly dumbfounded that I just have to sit back and contemplate life. On top of that, I don't even have any remote interest in the main character, which makes everything doubly uninteresting.
I assume that the first couple of chapters were meant to develop the main character and get to know him, but he just talks a little with his friend and other fluff. The story wouldn't change if you skipped to the reincarnation because at the moment there's no significance to La suddenly killing Bai.
Of course, everyone writes differently, but I suggest planning out your novel. It doesn't have to be anything crazy detailed, but at least make some notes for what you plan to do. "Discovery Writers" like Stephen King who barely do any planning can get away with it because they have practiced so much. King is a masterful storyteller who has spent years honing his craft.
I'm not saying your writing is terrible, I'm just saying that you tried to pack too much stuff. It's like make a burger, but adding ice cream, fried eggplants, and pencil leads into it.
In short, when you read through your novel, ask yourself the question: does this make sense?
That's about it. I hope my advice helped you, and feel free to ask any more questions.
d_elfe
You're welcome.
AAAAh! Damn... I'm... sorry about the gender thing...
Yoan_Roturier Thank you. It's my first time and am glad you gave me an honest opinion. I will do as you said
Yoan_Roturier Thank you. It's my first time and am glad you gave me an honest opinion. I will do as you said
Hello! I'm hoping for a good, honest review on the few chapters I have. If you want a "review swap", please reply with such. Thank you!
Title: Grease
Genre: Fantasy/Murder Mystery
Synopsis: Lilith Mauwa is suddenly murdered by a mysteriously vengeful man.
Reincarnated as a cyan cat, now with the alias Leah May, she works to uncover the truth behind her murder, and get revenge.
Link:https://www.webnovel.com/book/grease_20428770005194905
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Thanks, man, for pointing out my flaws that I'm unaware of! You're right, I should cut and simplify the descriptions. About the vocabulary, well, forgive me. I only use the words I'm familiar with.
I do have an outline until the end, but I still need to know how to deliver and connect them well.
About that dream, it can be an indication of future events, but not exactly this dream should be happening. It can be another way around or can be a lie. About MC's friend… well, I can't spoil her. Way too far for the storyline. I can't just state a single line in the 2nd chapter that this should be happening in the future. The two demon ladies should be a hint that something was going on or perhaps that random explosion on the planet's south pole. Maybe, I lack sentences about these things. I'll work this out.
Also same goes for the dragon, I can't state who exactly she is nor her history, that would be an info dump(I think). I wanted to this character full of questions like, "Who is she? Is she a dark lord in disguise? Maybe, she works in the maid cafe? What's her deal? Why is she teasing the MC?" Still, I need a craft and practice to deliver this well.
As for the MC… let's make him ordinary for a moment.
Once again, thanks, man! This is what I want to hear from others' opinions whether what I write is "ok" or not. Just as I promised, I'll pay you with powerstones 
.
Yoan_Roturier No worries !
So where does the pseudo come from ? Are you french ? I've not known a lot of people with sufficient self deprecative skills to call themselves Roturier :D
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d_elfe
Lol... you wanna know the story behind my pen name?
Very simple, I wanted something that blends. What's better for that than to be part of the crowd and not the nobility, thus Roturier.
Yes, I'm French. But I won't use that language here since it's an English forum.
Glad to meet another French author here. wave
Do enjoy your stay.
Lol... deprecative skills... does that have something to do with the name Roturier? That's not even my real last name hahaha. "I just HATE unfairness."
Dedz_ Yeah, I can see that you do have a purpose for everything that you put, but the story jumps from one thing to the next, and there doesn't feel like much of a logical progression. I feel that the over-description might the main reason, but try to focus on telling things from the main character's perspective. You don't want to shift from multiple perspective too much.
For example, I don't think it's necessary to include too many of the dragon's thoughts. Same thing with La in the beginning. You're writing in third-person omniscient, but keep in mind that if you hop between too many characters' heads, things start to get convoluted. Make sure that you only describe the most crucial of character thoughts. I forgot to point out this thing in my initial critique.
If you want to keep the dream inside the story, then that's fine. Personally, I don't have too many qualms about dreams in stories as long as they provide some value, and as long as they aren't too long.