@Praefactuss I've only read two chapters so far, and the novel is pretty unimpressive. Let me explain:
1. Formatting
Split up your paragraphs. Remember that you should start a new one every time there's a new plot beat or if the subject changes.
The grammar and stuff are good for the most part, but proofread some more so that you can catch the tiny little errors. I tell this to everyone, and it feels like I'm beating a dead horse at this point.
2. Mid
I'll be real with you: the story is really average. It's your basic isekai/transmigration with nothing special.
What differentiates your work from others? What is it that will capture readers' attention?
So far, there's just nothing interesting about your story. I'll elaborate more on how to fix that.
(Side note: You forget to mention the MC's age in the first chapter, so I was confused when he revealed that he had become a fourteen-year-old. I assumed he was older and got younger, but according to the story, he was younger and got older)
3. What Makes a Scene
The core of a scene is that a problem must be solved. For example, at the beginning of "Re: Zero," the problem is that the main character, Subaru, is trying to help Emilia find a missing item while also trying to avoid dying over and over again.
In your novel, there's no problem that the main character is trying to solve. Sure, he gets transmigrated, but what's the problem? He just has to learn how to adjust, but there's really no tension anywhere that would make me want to continue reading.
Granted, I didn't read any further, so I assume the plot eventually starts rolling, but you need to establish at least some tension.
You see, it's not enough for the character to be confused about his own situation. Yes, that's a problem, but it's not big enough. You need to shock the reader (not to be confused with abusing shock value) to get their attention.
That's about it. Hope I could help.
And Pain, Let It Exist!
