Epyonnn Thank you! I did try to express in the latter chapters that the problem at first was the protag's character but I guess I need to make it more apparent. My inital plan was to start dealing with the protagonist's personality since most novels I read about shut-ins just basically transform the whole character after they transmigrated.

I appreciate the input and will work on it, you're doing good work here! Again, thanks a lot!

    @Yulainei I've only read the first chapter so far, and I have quite a few things to say about it. I'll probably do another review for the later chapters if there are any glaring issues.

    1. Prose

    Good word choices and stuff, but you tend to repeat certain words multiple times within close proximity of each other, making the sentences choppy. In the first paragraph, you used "rain" three times (I'm counting the instance of rain in the word rainfall). In the second paragraph, you used "up" twice. These are a nitpicky thing, but your sentences will flow much better if you use more word variation. This is why English has a million synonyms for almost every word.

    Another thing is that there are some incomplete sentences and some that are weirdly worded, making them hard to follow.

    2. Omniscient POV

    Be careful when writing in the third-person omniscient POV because things might get confusing if you switch to another character's POV. In the chapter, you switched from Nicolaus to the driver, but make sure that you clarify who is who. Give Nicolaus a distinctive feature instead of just calling him "that guy" or "that man." When the POV shifted, I wasn't sure who the speaker was, and who the speaker was referring to until I read a couple more paragraphs.

    Also, make sure that you don't reveal too many of the thoughts in other characters' heads, especially if they're not one of the main characters.

    Finally, you mainly write in the past tense, but sometimes, it changes to the present tense. Just stick to the past tense.

    Tragic Backstory

    Yes, Nicolaus may have a tragic backstory, but it doesn't feel impactful if it's narrated. Instead, it might be better to cut the narration altogether and just leave the MC with the feeling of rage and keeping it a mystery as to why he was angry.

    Then, in the next chapter, maybe you could have the MC floating through time, watching the events of his past life unfold before him. With that, it would really cement the reason why the MC will no longer tolerate people who mess with him.

    This is only one suggestion, and there are many ways to handle it. You can even sprinkle in his backstory while he in his new body.

    That's about it so far. I'll probably keep reading to see where it goes.

      Epyonnn thank you so much bro... Indeed, but the driver is a main plot in the story. xD

        Grand_Void_Daoist

        Edit (after thinking a bit more about it):

        What's your take on it?

        I'm thinking about leaving this "unlocked" for now. Creating a new thread might be a bad idea since it's not a pinned thread. People who need help with their novels still come by from time to time and I fear that it might be jarring for them to create a new thread. At least for now. Maybe next month tho.

        Moreover, it's not that popular either. And I think I should change the title to "Detailed Review" instead of "Honest Review" since it does discredit the.... original "Review Swap Thread." But... I don't know how to do that xD.

            Jo_J yeah no problem
            I just want to see how I can make my novel better

                Title : Ghost Busters

                Genre : Urban(Male-leading)

                Synopsis : A guy going by the name of Felix joins the team known as 'Ghost Busters' because of an invitation. A team consisting of 6 members.

                Nobody knew his past, nor his personal info. Even his name Felix was an alias created by himself. What was about to come? Was the decision to invite him was correct or everything will crumble?

                Felix embarks on his journey along with his new team to unveil the secrets and mysteries of the world, including his own past too.

                However, there was another secret to it. Something related to him. Something which defied the laws.

                Join Felix on his journey to explore the eerie, unreal, and perilous side of the world as he uncovers the mysteries one by one.

                Link : https://m.webnovel.com/book/ghost-busters_20322367305200405

                Alernatetext

                  @Mayemura I've still been reading through Yulanei's book, so I'll get to yours eventually. I looked through your first chapter, and there are quite a lot of grammar mistakes and some spelling errors. Try to start by correcting those.

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                      @Yulainei I read through some more chapters, and your book is going in a good direction. There isn't really anything wrong that I needed to point out. Just make sure you correct the spelling errors and try to avoid massive encyclopedia entries when giving exposition.

                        9 days later

                        @sammielane448
                        I'll post my honest thoughts here because I don't wanna have people in review swap asking for the same treatment. As for why I'm doing this for you, it's because you took the time to point out some interesting stuff.

                        Novel: Ember's Crown
                        Author: Clone_v2

                        First of all, I think the idea is interesting, but the way you write is a bit complex for a platform such as WN. Note that I personally don't have an issue with it. It's just that people from non-English speaking countries read on this platform and they form the bulk of WN readers. Their English isn't at a native level. That's why the most popular novels on this platform mostly have simple wordings and phrasings and blablabla.

                        So here are some suggestions to make your story more appealing to the guys here (basically a summary of what I left in your paragraph comments):

                        • Dialogs are hard to read sometimes. Not the content but the visibility/readability. You use ' to open your dialogs instead of ". I don't know if it grammatically correct, but I suppose it is. However, it is a common practice on this platform to use those brackets ". The reason is quite simple, it's because they are more visible. I sometimes surprised myself mixing your dialogs with your narration. Either because you forgot to close your brackets or because the paragraph was quite packed. Which brings me to the second point.

                        • Be careful of huge ass paragraphs. As I implied in my paragraph comments, it can be hard to read those kind of paragraphs on a smart phone. And I'm pretty sure that a lot of people on WN uses the app to read. So you might lose some readers this way.

                        • Your beginning was a bit jarring despite the interesting and rich setting. This problem might stem from the introduction of several characters in your first chapter that seem essential to the story. The issue with it, is that readers don't even know about your world and MC yet that they already have to learn about new chars. I think this should be more progressive. Note that I was also worried of that issue in my first chapter of "Ragnarök: Fimbulwinter Saga." However, it doesn't mean that you can't introduce multiple chars in your first chap. It's just that, I think, you shouldn't shift the focus so much. Towards the middle and the end of the chap, we shifted from one char to another. It was jarring because I wasn't familiar with those.

                        • Something else I noticed is the change of POV. From 1st to 3rd. Do be careful with that.

                        In conclusion, there is no problem with the story itself. Just the execution of the flow was sometimes jarring.

                        Hope it helps you improve your story.

                        I'll read you later mate.

                          Yoan_Roturier Hey man, thank you so much for your review. It's helped me go through some of the major issues and edit for better effect and consistency and improve my writing generally.

                          One thing that you said, however, I'm still fighting. XD In the UK, single inverted commas are the traditional means of indicating speech in a novel, I've seen that trend diminish a lot over the years, mainly due to our cousins over the Atlantic's global influence, even still, I'm hesitant to let go of this one tradition. XD

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