https://www.webnovel.com/book/8-the-infinite_21367572206295505
I would love to get your take on my first webnovel. It's only a prologue and one chapter so it won't take long to read.
New to writing and need some constructive criticism
This is not allowed.
I think this is considered shameless promotion, but I’ll offer some quick tips after glancing at your story. Don’t read them unless you actually wanted constructive criticism! I’m not praising your story. In order to help your writing I am only talking about the bad stuff. It wasn’t all bad, but here is what I would work on improving:
- stick with one tense!
There was a little tense switching between past and present. You were mostly good on this, so it may have been a few typos, but make sure the story doesn’t go from present to past tense. I think in once paragraph the MC “raised his banner” then “the guard opens the gate.” One is past tense and one is present, so it makes the paragraph hard to follow.
- show don’t tell!
“I am so scared” is not very effective. Especially in a first person perspective (I, me, my, etc.), it can get boring when things are just stated. You can make it more effective with things like “my knees are shaking” which implies that you are scared without stating it.
- think about how you want to tell your story and why.
Your story is a first person perspective. That’s a bit unusual in fantasy writing, but not wrong. It is important to know what you can and cannot do with this.
Your narrator is a character! The main character. That means that the story is from that characters perspective and it can not change. You can’t share the thoughts of any other character. Things can’t happen without the main character being there. This is just because of that first person (rather than third person) approach.
Your story is also present tense. That means that foreshadowing is very hard. The narrator can’t know what’s about to happen or “what happens next” because they haven’t experienced it yet. Things are happening as the story is happening. This is different from past tense where the action happened “years ago” or something.
I say all of this because most fantasy writing is third person past tense perspectives. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing, but switching perspective mid story is really distracting to a reader. Therefore, please don’t kill of the narrator or do something weird like that. Also avoid something like “I never would have expected what happened next.” Last warning on this, you can’t have a “cut scene” that the main character doesn’t see where the villain gives vital information to the reader.
- grammar!
It’s something that you can fix with proofreading, but grammar is important. There are a lot of missing commas in your story that make your text not read correctly. Overall, your grammar is better than some other stories I have seen here, but it’s always good to be reminded that this is important.
- Be careful with your narrator thinking out loud
Because you are first person present tense, it actually makes some stuff I would normally scoff at more acceptable. However, some stuff is really not fun to read and shouldn’t be overused. Some of that is the narrators internal dialogue.
“Ahhhh how could I let him get away? What was I thinking? I’m so scared I’m going to pee myself!” All of this stuff can be in your story, but it shouldn’t be overused. Because it will get tiring to readers. I’m already sick of it in your prologue personally.
- wow, cringe.
This might be personal preference, but I thought your story was rather cringey. The whole scene about the goblin with a erection was really really unnecessary. I get it: he is one of those strange people who likes pain. The smiling was enough. Also, is everyone naked in this fantasy world? Why is that the first thing the MC notices?
Furthermore, the “I peed myself” thing wasn’t very effective. He complained about things being so scary that he might pee, then he did pee, but I never really read anything scary. This was actually cringey or just funny, depending on who is reading it. Very few people will think it is scary though.
This goes back to the show don’t tell thing. Write about what he is seeing, feeling, smelling, or whatever in a way that makes the reader feel it. Avoid flat out stating things or relying on talking about him peeing so much… this is the weirdest writing advice I’ve ever given now. Here is a crude example:
Ineffective:
It smelled so bad and was so scary that I peed my pants.
More effective:
The stench of rotting flesh burned my nostrils as I walked up the blood-stained stone steps.
Giving an image of what this horrible “Tower of God” looks like will make the reader think “wow that’s pretty scary” if you do it well. Just saying “it is scary” is too vague for a reader to picture anything.
shadowdrake27 Thank you :) I will try to fix the problems with past and present tense. I didn't even notice it, so thank you again for pointing that out.
I will take what you said into consideration but I just want to say that the character we follow in the prologue is not the MC but one of the antagonist.
I wanted to show what would happened if the main character would be captured by those lunatics. After all, what's more terrifying to a suicidal immortal than S&M slavers who would literally torture him forever. You may be right that I have gone too far with thir perversion, and maybe I should be more subtle about it.
If you had the time I would appreciate it if you would give me your take on the first chapter. Even just part of it.
shadowdrake27 I even enjoyed reading this 
shadowdrake27
Can you critique some of my chapters too? I feel like you'll make a great reviewer. So much insight 
The prologue is a separate thing from the story, so that is okay, but it doesn’t give a very appealing hook for the story in my opinion. This makes it seem like we will be following M2’s perspective as he gets tortured for three weeks in the pit of boredom or whatever. I did stop reading like two paragraphs from the end, so maybe you turned it all around there. Still seems like an odd choice.
At the very least I would recommend not making the prologue in first person. There is an easier transition between prologue and story in third person. This is because you can have the “same” narrator. In this format the writing style and descriptions should change to match your character. It’s doable, but for your first story, it’s a lot. Also, it won’t put so much emphasis on this one “antagonist” (in quotes because by definition this character is the protagonist of the prologue. You don’t get to define who is a protagonist vs antagonist. He may be a villain or bad guy, but the story makes him a protagonist by following his point of view and making him the “lead character.”)
I probably won’t read more. This just doesn’t seem like my kind of story. I might to try to give you advise. Helping new authors is fun to me, but I’m not going to fall in love with your story. Sorry, haha.
Thanks? I’m glad you like my advice/critiques, haha.
Is this better at showing and not telling? (Keep in mind that the antagonist in my story are supposed to be over the top. )
"I am here, the guards open the door and I go into the chamber of God with hesitant steps. The chamber of God is a circular room. The walls are covered from top to bottom in scenes of debauchery and torture. In the middle of the room sits a massive throne, mainly made out of cages. Inside them are god's favorite slaves, they're forbidden to utter any sound and their tongues are removed. Atop the pile of cages there is a big mouth made out of black stone and shiny silver for the teeth. The mouth is open so wide, it looks like someone broke its jaw. A big tongue serves as stairs and the seat of the throne. Looking straight at me from his mad throne, god seems filled with silent rage. He is wearing beautiful clothes colored black, white and a little bit of crimson. Atop his head, slightly obscured by his red hair, seats a black crown decorated with silver teeth. His eyes are many different colors at once, shifting and changing slowly from one color to the next. God's face always looks angry or disappointed, now it look so even more than usual. I crumble to the floor, yet still maintain eye contact with God. I can't pull away from his gaze, like prey hypnotized by maddening Beauty attached to a predator who will swallow him whole."
It's a replacement for this paragraph:
"I am here, the guards open the door and I stepped into the chamber of God with hesitant steps. The chamber of God is a circular room. The walls are covered from top to bottom in scenes of debauchery and torture. In the middle of the room sitting upon a magnificent throne God is staring at me with a menacing look. I crumble to the floor in pure fear. Losing control of my bladder, pee is starting to soak my pants. "
Thank you again for the in-depth critique, it's hard to improve in a vacuum.
It's okay that you don't want to read more, you already helped me alot and I know that not everybody is going to like my story.
Umm I tend to not take requests like this. If I do, 100 people will tag me asking for a review in this thread. Your faith in my critiquing skills are appreciated.
Should I have time, I’ll search your name and leave a chapter comment with a few tips on whatever story pops up. However, I’m not promising anything or agreeing to do it.
I think this is much better. You give way more imagery and less cringe. It allows me to make a mental movie and make my own opinions about the room. I determined it was scary on my own. The last sentence about being petrified by Gods gaze is really good, in my opinion.
My biggest suggestion is to replace “covered with scenes of debauchery and torture” with maybe one scene that you intimately describe. That will have more effect. It also will make the paragraph too long, so you might have to split it into 2-3 paragraphs. This could be describing a tapestry or painting that is disturbing. Something like a drawing of god eating someone’s heart or whatever crazy thing he does. You can tack on the words “and other scenes of debauchery and torture” if you want, but I think you need to paint an image of what that means.
There are also some grammar mistakes like comma misuse or missing commas, but it isn’t too bad. You can probably catch all of them with some proofreading. I can’t point out specific examples at this time, but keep in mind that a comma combines an independent clause with a dependent clause. It Can not be used to combine two dependent clauses (that would be a semi colon), unless you use a conjunction like and/or/but.
If you don’t know an Independant clause is the same thing as a complete sentence. A dependent clause is an incomplete sentence that is usually missing something like a subject which it “borrows” from the dependent clause.
shadowdrake27 https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/21195110906801905?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4318632508
Can please criticize mine as well
Like it’s my first time riding in Nashville and I want it to be good and I feel like my story is lacking a whole lot and I would need some tips to fix them
please do not hold back any criticisms you have be brutal as much as you need
As I said above, I say no to requests like these. Just because I helped on the original post, it doesn’t mean I want to review every story on Webnovel. I’m glad you want to improve, and if I think of it/have time I’ll try to help with a chapter comment on your story somewhere. However, no I will not critique your story for you.
shadowdrake27 thanks that means a lot to me