- Edited
Hi David_Tieku One of the first things I noticed was Reborn Giant.Co and I loved it! Some other things are your grammar is really good. I found a few mistakes in the first chapter, but they didn’t detract from your story. You do appear to be struggling to drag your reader into the story.
What I mean by this is, if you provide more sensory words such as an icy touch, smoldering look, smooth mahogany, or simpler things like a cotton hoodie, and “A light breeze” (I got this one form you!). What sensory words do is pull on your senses as a human being. You want to use enough of these words in variation to pull your reader in but not so many that your reader gets annoyed or irritated. These words may also help strengthen your synopsis, but it’s already pretty good.
Here is an example where your starting to use sensory words:
“The room was very clean and bright, with white walls and a soft king sized bed. There were all types of gadgets littered around the room and a variety of flowers were placed on the balcony. A light breeze blew across the room, it's fragrance made people feel refreshed and comfortable. This room was more than a thousand times better than his previous dungeon of an apartment!”
This is an example of line where you can improve:
“Zhang Xiaohua opened his wardrobe and picked out clothes to wear he decided on; a pair of blue jeans, a black shirt, a hoodie and a pair of canvas shoes.”
This is an example of telling. You told that he picked out clothes to wear, instead maybe try something like this (showing or dragging your reader in):
Zhang Xiaohua opened his smooth mahogany wardrobe and grabbed a pair of soft blue jeans, a simple black shirt, a blue cotton hoodie and a simple pair of black canvas shoes.
I’m missing a few details to know if this is remotely close to what you picture. Such as, the wardrobe being wood, the color of the hoodie, and the shoes. I’m not sure if I was successful, but what I was trying to do was make it so you could feel and see the items you told me about.
Another place where you did well and I don’t think sensory words are need is:
He gave Cao Dequan 43% of his shares to allowing him to gain 48% control of the company and as a way of thanking and reassuring the investors he also gave them 3% of his remaining shares, allowing them to have 48% of the company.
You could also try bringing your protagonist into his story more. You may be able to do this by describing what he feels and thinks verse telling us as a narrator would. Your off to a great start keep it up! Also keep an eye on those distancing words.
