Hey @AwesomeSingularity , I just left my review on your story (apologies for the delay. Work got in the way. ) Anyway, I'm not exactly sure on how to help, but if you're a redditor, there's a sub for writing aka: r/writing where some authors/agents/publisher post and share their experiences. There are also a lot of other reddit communities for writers you might want to check out.
Also, I start with a rough outline of events/conversations that happen in a chapter. While writing you can add more details or remove some (repetitive or unnecessary details). It sounds boring, but for me it isn't... But I guess that's because I usually pretend to be the characters in the scene I'm writing while talking to myself like a lunatic.