Vgnette Lacks of spacing! I'm not complaining cause I am guilty about that too.
It's a plot feature until 1/2 way through chapter 4
Vgnette The point of view thing. Ah, I don't know, it's just felt iffy and confusing. It's just like your eyes being yanked out and put into another person. For me anyway, or maybe...It's just my ignorance on how to write a first-person narrative.
I don't have the best transitions yet, but the other POV's are needed for the plot developement
Vgnette The mixed tenses. On one part the story used past tenses, and the other part uses present tenses. Like in chapter 3, the first part uses past tenses and suddenly in the middle part where you read the Heroine point of view, it turns into using the present tenses. It's inconsistent and if you ask me, I preferred to use the past tenses, it's more manageable and easier to maneuver.
Please, if you could go to the chapters you see this in via https://tiny.cc/WOI-All and correct tenses in chapter 1 to present (it's likened to a flashback that is being relived) and all after that to past (that's what they are supposed to be anyway) it would be very helpful, I just don't even notice that until someone directly points it out.;,;.
Vgnette And one more thing about the MC and the Heroine. They talked in Old British sentences when they themselves were from modern time America I reckoned. Because there were busses and the MC king father was shot by a bullet; Have they gained some knowledge to speak that way, or automatically talked that way? It's nowhere established or even mention once in the chapters that I've read.
They both read (past tense) light novels and have read multiple that have that way of talking, or such should have been assumed anyway since I said they were both lovers of light novels (or I at least think I added Carmen into that, but if not I will add it somewhere at some point as a flashback).
Vgnette The last thing I want to mention, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the story takes place in like fantasy middle ages, at least from what I've seen from the description of the city? And do they know statistics already? Like that woman explaining in percentage? If the science for that world is more advanced than I thought, then don't mind me. But, if what I said is true, then my suggestion is making it simplistic like rare, only a handful of people, something like that and try to make it consistent with the background of the world.
It's a unique mesh of a world... they have equivalent math and science, just don't focus on it (thus later chapter things with school), they are behind in technology... due to magic being able to fill the void (pun intended)... but their look is a crossbreed between ancient roam, and American old west as described.
Vgnette === I'm sorry for writing this long wall of text, It's just I really like your story I really do hence I wrote a long essay about it. Please, man, do something about the MC and the Heroine. ===
It is okay, it was very informative, and it helps. Via https://tiny.cc/WOI-All you can assist me in that endeavor if you would be willing to.;,;.