LukasNPC second thing is, your story starts off with character description, but it’s awkward. Look at how Jk Rowling introduces the dursleys and then look at your description of your MC. What you want to do is not to describe only the physical characteristics, but also do it in a way that is relevant at that point in the story.
Giving A Review Swap with Exceptions
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LukasNPC I’ll also avoid writing things like 50cm/20inches, and instead, just say stuff like, it was about the length of a ruler and a half. Something general instead of trying to get both measuring systems here, or say it was about the length of a medium sized cat.
Oh, and 50 cm is 20 inches, not 30.
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There’s some spelling/grammar mistakes you can catch inside your novel. I think these days, Google docs has a really good spell checker so if u write your novels on Google docs first, you can check your spelling. That being said, I read your novel, and I think I’m going to refrain from giving it a review so far. Unless u want me to give u a 5 star review? I can.
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I think for your synopsis, it should be:
Character name is a young vampire….
And saying will her mom reincarnate again… it’s a bit of weird question, even if reincarnation exists in ur novel.
Basically, the two extra questions: will she love again, and will she reincarnate again… I think your synopsis would still work if you leave them out: + you only see those two sentences on phone if u click the arrow, so basically most people only see the first part of your synopsis.
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Grace_Harley1
edit: gonna preface all my comments with this, I probably sound unnecessarily mean, but I'm only focusing on critique, so it may sound negative...
your novel reads like something out of wattpad. Just keep in mind some of the common tropes… and making your character immediately the center of attention while she has a dark, troubling past is not a good way to start. It’s a bit too cliche… like ive been reading wattpad romances since I was in middle school, y’know. Please try to make your character likable by giving them a flaw, and I don’t mean the overdone trope of: ew stepmom. Maybe even make it so that people have valid reason to look at her, not just “she’s pretty”, but maybe: wow, I heard she talked smack directly to the principal, y’know kinda in awe, or in envy, “she’s not even that pretty”. “She’s proud” is kind of weak.
Also hacking???? I get in movies, they make it look so easy, and type type, but actual hacking is like: ooh, found a loophole, let me think of some code to exploit it: a couple hours later, got it. Most hackers would not hack into something unless necessary because it would reveal the loophole they used to access the files/stuff. If one of my friends made a dupe script for a game; they would definitely not be revealing it or needlessly showing it because it could get patched.
Also, why is she the special one: the only one that can hack into the school data frame? No one else? You’re making your character the center of attention, the prettiest, a vampire, a hacker, and what else? While these things can work together, if you put them all in one chapter, your character quickly becomes cliche. Maybe make it so that hacking is one of the secret talents, like the principal addressed everyone in an assembly trying to figure it out. And then she says to herself, oh, yeah, definitely not me. sweating. Also a more interesting reveal.
The other problem is that the flaw is that your characters flaw is making her unlikeable. I said there wasn’t a flaw before, but I mean there’s not a flaw as in what she cannot do well. Her flaw rn, is talking back to people who aren’t bad people (so far) and also pushing away people who do care about her… like the way she talks back is like, I did something wrong, but I’m still gonna act sassy about it, which is quite unlikeable in the real world. Instead, you can make her a bit witty in her sass, or at the very least, not just: “mhmm, yeah no.” Rolling eyes, sarcasm. You can make her: “hmm, do you hear that?” “It’s the sound of my eyes rolling.” Kind of like Azula in the last air bender. She’s obviously a little devil, but still hilarious, which makes her likeable.
The problem with this type of character trope^^ that you have going on, is that obviously, OTHER people have issues, not just your main character. Unless your MC is an orphan who lives in a cardboard box, I can guarantee people in the same school, heck even in her life, have something really bad going on, and her acting self-centered/attention-obsessed, all this together, is only going to harm her. Again, she’s a supermodel and can sing now, as well, and she has people who love and support her, and she’s wealthy.
See how those are all external factors that supposedly make her great and awesome? But those are all external, and characters need to have internal substance to be liked.
“And yes, her stepmom is racist too.”
Do not put that type of character description out. That’s something that should be shown, rather than be told, because it makes it seem like we’re being told: she’s racist, hate her. Instead of her doing something actually racist and bad so we HATE HER.
And she already has 3 guys fighting for her, plus one of the guys has abs.
edit: make that 4 because by the time you said Arlo was a ceo, I was like, he’s ML isn’t he…
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Reading yours now, would really appreciate it if you took a look at mine too, I really feel like I'm taking a shot in the dark here without much feedback
https://www.webnovel.com/book/life-reader_25308161106785605
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you know how before reincarnation in a lot of FL stories, the character is all naive, or stupid, or shes perfect but she makes a dumb mistake.
The only way I could see your story work is SHE's PErfect, but oops, she makes a really dumb mistake and suddenly her life comes crashing down: scandal, drama, etc. and now she has to regain trust from people she takes for granted, but ML stands up for her and is there for her, also she learns to be less superficial and kinder in general, but also smarter.
I'm going to refrain from reviewing yours unless you want me to write you a five-star review, which I can do for free if you want.
got two more to read. I'll be right there.
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cliche title which makes it easy to search for, but also easy to forget. Keep that in mind. This is why light novel titles are so long: so they have something memorable, and cliche at the same time.
If you have anything that you dislike about the beginning, aka first few chapters, know that I had some edits done, where I remove A LOT of unnecessary stuff and add more interesting plot points, but I haven't gotten up to updating it on site.
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Why do we care that he's getting a system at the beginning? Notice how we do not care, whereas in Solo leveling, the MC actually has a reason: he gets backstabbed, some ancient dungeon magic, and boom, aka a prologue or at least a truck kun, y'know.
In this case tho, the mc is kinda perv, which is ok, but it reads like "I don't talk to girls or see them as people," and it just so happens the system is a subservient girl who calls him lord and master, what's next, is he gonna #### her?
Now, it's ok to have a perv mc, as long as it's done well. It's ok to have harem if it's done well. For ex, tales of demon of gods, because the mc can be perverted at times sure, but you can tell he genuinely loves 2/3 of those girls, we do not talk about the last one, because she's ew, cough anyway.
Also, it was a bit difficult to read the first chapter, a tad bit confusing. There's some typos/grammar stuff that makes it a bit hard to read ig.
Also, it's not my vibe, because the thing about villains in novels, is that they read like people that would piss me off so I don't really like reading novels with evil characters, mostly because unless your evil is "killing is fun, being shameless" I think I'll mostly just get annoyed because those people in real life would be annoying to be around.
In a sense, the type of evil your character is rn, is "mentally weak", "easy to anger" type, y'know the type of people who get angry and want to display their power to others. No matter how strong they are, the second a person questions their authority, they have to TRAMPLE It, even though "mentally strong" people would just smirk and prove them wrong with their actions, if u catch my drift. I get its because of the system, but yeah.
I finished with yours. I thought it was entertaining. I especially enjoyed the little puns/play on words. There were a few sections that might have had typos or were just unclear to me, like the 66'666 number in the prologue or other instances that I can pick out if you'd prefer.
Overall, it's an enjoyable concept with interesting enough characters. If I were to give you something to improve upon, it would just be overall clarity. Whether it be typos or just sections that seem almost interrupted from the general flow of the story, I think there's room for improvement there (though now that I look at it again, it seems to get better in the later chapters as well). I can leave a positive review as well if you'd like
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Oh lol I just commented on that, didn't see this before my bad
TallyArtist oh, pick those out. I would love to see some of those unclear parts.
The 66'666$ is just a joke. No price tag works like that. Flip the number upside down and you get $999.99
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lots of potential, problem is that ur genre is really unpopular. GL is like not read by a lot of people, because while bl has crossover from girl's demographic, not many guys read GL, so it just has less audience. That being said, the title also doesn't catch my eyes. My title kinda sucks too, but I'm too lazy to redraw my cover or rebrand lol, maybe you could name it, "Love burns like Tinder". Also not a fan of pov switches in the first chapter, which is ironic, since I do it too, but anyway cough.
AuHNG
I see, I wondered about that, since I thought it would make more sense upside down, but it wasn't clear.
As for non-clear moments, in chapter 1 where you go from a confused state of where he is to the acts of a play that seems unrelated, and then in a classroom? Looking closer now, I think you made that part a dream, but the swap to the dream seems unnatural. Another way you could do this to have the same effect of "not knowing if its a dream" but wanting to be more clear would be to take out the beginning part about the ai, and just start the story there
That way it would go from dream-reality and the reader's expectations would change, especially with the prologue. Now, it goes from real-dream-real, and I think the swapping of dream to real only really has an impact once.
Also, reading closely I get the part about semicolonc now, but at first glance, the :-l just looked like the number -1, with the colon before it just introducing the name.
Hi guys. I'm ready for a review swap. Here's my linkhttps://link.medium.com/u7Ider5GCwb
