Epyonnn

  • Apr 25, 2022
  • Joined May 26, 2021
  • DaoistVeHBqL There are a couple of things I like to do.

    1. Plugin words into Google Translate.

    For example, I named one of the monsters in my novel "bergbeil" since "berg" means mountain, and "beil" means axe in German. The monster happens to be a giant T-rex with an axe head, so the name fits. You can use any language, and you can plug any random words. Once you get a translated result, you can also change some letters to make them sound the way you want.

    This process mainly works best for naming locations and monsters instead of people, but it can still work.

    2. Random letters.

    Basically, mash your keyboard. Here's an example"

    diufhsnoriawpntsoinm

    The next step is to split up sections on the letters.

    "diufh"

    "snoria"

    "wpnts"

    "oinm"

    From there, fill in some more letters or remove letters to make the random letters sensical:

    "Diuf"

    "Noria"

    "Wilphons"

    "Oynem."

    3. Name your characters after other characters

    This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you like a certain character, just use that name. You can also name your characters after real-life people.

    • @Yulainei I read through some more chapters, and your book is going in a good direction. There isn't really anything wrong that I needed to point out. Just make sure you correct the spelling errors and try to avoid massive encyclopedia entries when giving exposition.

      • @Mayemura I've still been reading through Yulanei's book, so I'll get to yours eventually. I looked through your first chapter, and there are quite a lot of grammar mistakes and some spelling errors. Try to start by correcting those.

        • @Yulainei I've only read the first chapter so far, and I have quite a few things to say about it. I'll probably do another review for the later chapters if there are any glaring issues.

          1. Prose

          Good word choices and stuff, but you tend to repeat certain words multiple times within close proximity of each other, making the sentences choppy. In the first paragraph, you used "rain" three times (I'm counting the instance of rain in the word rainfall). In the second paragraph, you used "up" twice. These are a nitpicky thing, but your sentences will flow much better if you use more word variation. This is why English has a million synonyms for almost every word.

          Another thing is that there are some incomplete sentences and some that are weirdly worded, making them hard to follow.

          2. Omniscient POV

          Be careful when writing in the third-person omniscient POV because things might get confusing if you switch to another character's POV. In the chapter, you switched from Nicolaus to the driver, but make sure that you clarify who is who. Give Nicolaus a distinctive feature instead of just calling him "that guy" or "that man." When the POV shifted, I wasn't sure who the speaker was, and who the speaker was referring to until I read a couple more paragraphs.

          Also, make sure that you don't reveal too many of the thoughts in other characters' heads, especially if they're not one of the main characters.

          Finally, you mainly write in the past tense, but sometimes, it changes to the present tense. Just stick to the past tense.

          Tragic Backstory

          Yes, Nicolaus may have a tragic backstory, but it doesn't feel impactful if it's narrated. Instead, it might be better to cut the narration altogether and just leave the MC with the feeling of rage and keeping it a mystery as to why he was angry.

          Then, in the next chapter, maybe you could have the MC floating through time, watching the events of his past life unfold before him. With that, it would really cement the reason why the MC will no longer tolerate people who mess with him.

          This is only one suggestion, and there are many ways to handle it. You can even sprinkle in his backstory while he in his new body.

          That's about it so far. I'll probably keep reading to see where it goes.

          • @Praefactuss I've only read two chapters so far, and the novel is pretty unimpressive. Let me explain:

            1. Formatting

            Split up your paragraphs. Remember that you should start a new one every time there's a new plot beat or if the subject changes.

            The grammar and stuff are good for the most part, but proofread some more so that you can catch the tiny little errors. I tell this to everyone, and it feels like I'm beating a dead horse at this point.

            2. Mid

            I'll be real with you: the story is really average. It's your basic isekai/transmigration with nothing special.

            What differentiates your work from others? What is it that will capture readers' attention?

            So far, there's just nothing interesting about your story. I'll elaborate more on how to fix that.

            (Side note: You forget to mention the MC's age in the first chapter, so I was confused when he revealed that he had become a fourteen-year-old. I assumed he was older and got younger, but according to the story, he was younger and got older)

            3. What Makes a Scene

            The core of a scene is that a problem must be solved. For example, at the beginning of "Re: Zero," the problem is that the main character, Subaru, is trying to help Emilia find a missing item while also trying to avoid dying over and over again.

            In your novel, there's no problem that the main character is trying to solve. Sure, he gets transmigrated, but what's the problem? He just has to learn how to adjust, but there's really no tension anywhere that would make me want to continue reading.

            Granted, I didn't read any further, so I assume the plot eventually starts rolling, but you need to establish at least some tension.

            You see, it's not enough for the character to be confused about his own situation. Yes, that's a problem, but it's not big enough. You need to shock the reader (not to be confused with abusing shock value) to get their attention.

            That's about it. Hope I could help.

            • Non-Player Character

              Blurb:
              “I’m glad I save you before you could die from your suicide attempt. There’s no need to worry; I’ve given you a second chance in life.”

              The last thing Claudia remembered was jumping off a bridge to end his own life, but now he’s woken up in the world of Serial Slain, his favorite MMORPG.

              For years, he had been playing the video game, eventually reaching the top five of the North American leaderboards. He had no real-life friends and seldom spoke to his family, so Serial Slain was his only solace in life.

              But one day, he loses his only in-game friend, he gets betrayed during a dungeon raid, and he loses all his progress, including every level and item. With no other purpose in life, Claudia committed suicide.

              His attempt was a failure, and it rendered him paralyzed and cognitively deficient. Luckily, a woman named Virgil gave him the chance of a lifetime by hooking up his brain to a fully immersive VRMMORPG, Serial Slain 2.0—a new update to the original game.

              Now, as a Tester of the new VRMMORPG, Claudia must defeat the final boss or risk returning to the reality that he hated.

              Just when he thought he was living his ideal reality, he soon realizes that even the video game world has its fair share of sorrow and suffering.

              Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/non-player-character_20219961506365305

              cover

              • Yulainei cool, good luck! I'll give it read once I get finished with the one I'm doing right now

                • @theanneleen I've read up to chapter three. It's not bad, but it's not my type of genre, so I didn't feel like reading any further. Anyway, here are my thoughts.

                  1. All Hail the Queen

                  What exactly is the Queen in your story? Is it the person with the most influence in the school. If so, what can they do with that influence. What makes a queen? How did Luna become the Queen in the first place?

                  The schools where I come from don't have Queens. In fact, nobody really rules the school at all (other than the principal and staff, of course). There are some "cool kids," but it's not like they have any influence on the student body.

                  You need to make sure that you explain the significance of the term Queen. You can't just throw the word around and expect people to infer everything. Consider creating a scene or two about how Luna can use her power, and maybe a short flashback of when she used to go to the school.

                  In addition to this, you also need to develop the social hierarchy in the school some more. So far, we've only seen the high-classed individuals, and they really haven't done much. Is there even any reason to be a high-classed student?

                  So far, Luna doesn't really have any motivations for becoming the Queen again, other than she used to be one. What's so good about being the Queen, other than you have social power?

                  You've done a good job at introducing conflict with the Transferee, but Luna needs to have her own motivations in mind. So far, she's mostly reacting to the circumstances around her, trying to cover up her past and trying to deal with the Transferee.

                  2. Proofread

                  There are many little mistakes that you could easily catch if you proofread some more (I usually end up reading through my chapters three times). Two should be fine if you're short on time.

                  Also, some sentences are worded confusingly. Try reading some sentences out loud to see if they flow well.

                  Finally, you tend to switch between present and past tense during narration. I think that your main tense is past, but it changes every now and then. If you plan on fully writing the story in the past tense, there isn't much of a reason to suddenly change to the present tense.

                  That's about it. I didn't see anything wrong with the plot so far other than the whole Queen thing. I hope I could help.

                  • SEP1A I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, but it's just harder to write in the present tense, and some readers don't like it. Do what you think is best for the story, since the tense is up to the author to decide.

                    As for the intimacy part, I don't really feel any different than if it had been written in the first person or in the past tense. I don't know if that's just a me thing.

                    Since I don't have much knowledge on the effects of tense, try looking up the pros and the cons to see what suits your story best.

                    • SEP1A this is a little thing I forgot to mention, but past tense is the standard for almost all novels these days. Though, I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to go through your entire novel to change every single verb.

                      • @SEP1A I've read up to chapter 9. Here are my thoughts:

                        1. Footnotes

                        Don't completely rely on footnotes to give exposition. Always assume that readers skip over it.

                        For something as important as Veren, you should give some information about why Noe named it that and what it is within the chapter itself. If you leave the definition at the bottom, the reader will be confused until they reach the end of the chapter.

                        Same thing with Gremlin, but you really only need a small sentence to describe that.

                        For stuff like autism and nehruma, it's fine because most people already know what autism is, and not knowing the meaning of nehruma doesn't really affect the story.

                        2. Roundabout Wording

                        For the most part, your prose is quite good, but there are some points where you tend to describe things in too much of a roundabout way.

                        For example, in chapter five, when you described the showers, I initially thought Noe and Eris were in a cave, and there was a waterfall. Try to be a little more literal, so the setting won't be too confusing to visualize.

                        3. Scene Breaks

                        There are a few places where the scene completely changes, having a different time and location.

                        Most notably, in the second chapter, "Warmth," you wrote, "'We'll be fine on our own,' she clutches Noe's burning hand."

                        After that, the scene shifts into Allery bullying Noe. Keep in mind that if you put extra spaces between paragraphs, webnovel will automatically delete those in the published chapter. Try using asterisks or dashes to indicate scene breaks and avoid confusion.

                        4. Abdormal

                        At first, I thought it a misspelling, but then I read the paragraph comments.

                        Make sure that you actually say in the story that there's a reason why Allery says that. For example, one of his buddies could point out the error, but Allery snaps at the other guy, saying that "abdormal" is the correct spelling or something like that.

                        You can't just write a spelling error and expect readers to infer that it reflects the speaker's character.

                        5. Blank Faces

                        I'm having a hard time differentiating Lancaster and Terry in my head. I can visualize Bodhi, Eris, and the other characters because they have defining features, but Lancaster and Terry blend into the same person in my mind.

                        Try to give them some defining characteristics that you mention every now and then, just like Bodhi's glasses.

                        6. Synopsis

                        It needs some work. Try to explain some of the magical aspects of your story and the main conflict.

                        Refer to https://blog.reedsy.com/write-blurb-novel/

                        7. Initial Tone

                        The prelude sets the tone for a post-apocalyptic sci-fi story with a hint of thriller and military. But then, the story shifts into a fantasy school with magic, ghosts, and monsters.

                        An easy fix would be to mention the fantastical elements in your prelude, or you could cut it altogether since it wouldn't affect the story that much if you sprinkle in some exposition about the world.

                        That's about it. Hope I could help.

                        • @half_blinde There isn't much to the story, so I'll give a critique on what you got so far.

                          1. Mystic Eyes of Exposition

                          As much as I hate exposition, it's a necessary evil if you want the reader to understand the story. The trick is to balance the deadly line between not-enough-information and too-much-information at a single time.

                          You put a brief explanation of Occulos as an auxiliary chapter but don't rely on that as your sole way of communicating the magic system. Always assume that people haven't read that chapter.

                          Also, the auxiliary chapter doesn't answer everything about the magic system. What can people do with magic? What can people not do? Are there any limitations? Does magic affect the economy? Does it affect the jobs that people have? Since it's an auxiliary chapter, it's fine to go ham with an entire wall of exposition, but make sure that you still convey everything within the story itself.

                          Even though the story is only two chapters thus far, but you should have given at least a little idea of what magic can do. You also didn't explain what "aer" is. I can infer, but when it comes to magic systems, the reader's enjoyment is directly proportional to how much they understand the magic (loosely paraphrasing Brandon Sanderson).

                          The opening scene of Lilith dying could be much more impactful if the Magenta-eyed guy used some crazy magic. Spectacular fight scenes are one of the bests ways to open a novel.

                          2. Greeeeeeease

                          I'm sure have a good reason for making the title Grease, but I immediately thought about that one '70s movie with John Travolta when I saw your novel. If possible, try to avoid naming conflicts. This is mainly a minor thing to avoid confusion.

                          Also, your novel is labeled as a fantasy romance...? So is it like Beauty and Beast, but Beauty and the Cyan Cat? I thought your novel was a revenge thriller.

                          3. Reincarnated as a __________

                          We've got Reincarnated as a Slime, Reincarnated as a Spider, and Reincarnated as a War General Loli. Now, we've got Reincarnated as a...Cyan Cat...?

                          Reincarnation has become so saturated that most novels will have to have some sort of twist if they want to make sales. In your case, that twist is being reincarnated as a cyan cat. But why? You might have a good reason that you'll reveal later in the plot, but as of now, I'm left thinking that the concept is pretty dumb (no offense).

                          I don't want to bash on the concept too hard because I don't want you to rewrite your whole novel if you can avoid it. But, it's still in its early stages, so fixing up some stuff shouldn't be too much of an issue.

                          Also, this is a personal nitpick of mine, but I hate it when reincarnation happens for no reason. This doesn't always mean the story is bad per se. For instance, I really enjoyed "Mushoku Tensei." Still, I'm having trouble figuring out how you'll make a cohesive revenge thriller from the perspective of a cat. You can always prove me wrong, of course, and blow me away with an amazing plot, but it would make more sense if the reader knew why Lilith is now a cat.

                          3. Two-sentence Synopsis

                          Your synopsis is too short. You've successfully established the main character and the main conflict, but not the setting. Try to give some more background information. I put a link at the bottom for help if you want.

                          4. Empty Room Syndrome

                          When you don't give enough information on the setting of a scene, the reader will end up imagining an empty room. That's what I "Empty Room Syndrome." In your case, it's more of an "Empty Worldbuilding Syndrome." I have no idea about the world's technology, society, architecture, and all that stuff.

                          Of course, you only have two chapters, but at least describe what time period this is. If you don't establish the time period, some people might imagine it as a classic fantasy world, while others will view it as a modern-day society. As of now, I can't tell which what your novel is, but the main character mentioned a "hidden-camera prank," so I assume the technology is modern.

                          Reference material:

                          This is extra stuff to help you out:

                          Exposition:

                          Writing a blurb/synopsis: https://blog.reedsy.com/write-blurb-novel/

                          • Dedz_ Yeah, I can see that you do have a purpose for everything that you put, but the story jumps from one thing to the next, and there doesn't feel like much of a logical progression. I feel that the over-description might the main reason, but try to focus on telling things from the main character's perspective. You don't want to shift from multiple perspective too much.

                            For example, I don't think it's necessary to include too many of the dragon's thoughts. Same thing with La in the beginning. You're writing in third-person omniscient, but keep in mind that if you hop between too many characters' heads, things start to get convoluted. Make sure that you only describe the most crucial of character thoughts. I forgot to point out this thing in my initial critique.

                            If you want to keep the dream inside the story, then that's fine. Personally, I don't have too many qualms about dreams in stories as long as they provide some value, and as long as they aren't too long.

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