- Edited
@JKaiya
So there weren't many typos, or verb errors that haven't been pointed out already. The most interesting decision was the overall style the first chapter was written in. A lot of ellipses and thoughts of your main character. Although, he thinks in such a roundabout way that the first chapter starts to drag a little. We learn that he was a bad guy on earth, gets beat up, and ends up isekai'd in a word full of magic. And these facts get repeated two or three times before the end of the chapter.
What bothers me, was that he wakes up in the sewers (which are smelly and gross), and instead of trying to leave immediately (to explore or get some fresh air), he lies there long enough to understand his situation. That's the whole chapter. A whole chapter where he's just... lying in slime. I think that's a pretty big error in logic. I do like the narrator's voice though. It's an first person thinking style written in third person. Overall an interesting POV.
@QuidSevilla
There was just one sentence error "Take everything your eyes could see..." Could should be can. Dialogue is normally in present tense.
Other than that... the chapter is written kinda vaguely? The most interesting character, the dragon slayer guy, he's off to the side for some reason. I found myself not caring about the characters in focus. They were kind of one dimensional. I was getting a little frustrated reading about them when there's a better character just over there.
Your writing is good though. I like all the similes and metaphors thrown. You're good at adding a lot of color without weighing the chapter down. Although the chapter is written as dramatic and grim, the drama kinda falls flat because we know (well, we never really know, we're not in your head haha) that this story is about the dragon slayer. This chapter's entire focus just seems to introduce us to the kickass badass dragon slayer, but it goes on for too long. He's the dragon slayer, there's no doubt in our minds he's going to kill the thing he came on the quest to kill... But that's just my opinion.
@Zanzo99
So there are a lot of little grammar and sentence issues all throughout this chapter that I'm sure you already know about so I don't want to focus on that. Grammar aside, the biggest issue I feel is with the logic of the lead and his powers. At first, he thinks he's dead, then calms down and just knows the situation he's in. That's fine I guess. It's something I can forgive short term. It's just that... the system you gave him is super busted. You seem to know this so you gate it, hard. But I know, and you know, that since this person is the main character, he's going to end up the strongest person in this story. Maybe make the system simpler, and then he figures out it's busted? It's more rewarding that way imo.
@Tinalynge
I skipped the prologue because... it's the prologue. Another transmigration/reincarnation story. So far the only 'error' I've seen is the word "sanatorium" used similarly to "hospital." This isn't a real error though, you are using "sanatorium" correctly here, but to me, a sanatorium is a crazy house. The setting for a horror movie. While a hospital... isn't. You don't have to change the word though, it's fine as it is.
There's a logical error where you change the point of view in the middle of the scene. "When he looked up..." is the point of view changing. It's pretty sudden, and kinda jarring. I'm not telling you to fix it, just be aware that it's something you did. But overall, the writing is good without too many errors.
The chapter ends on a cliffhanger, which is pretty interesting. Now I can't just pack up my things at the end and move on to something else haha.
My story for Spirity: The Life and Times of Rosy Sue, Magical Girl. Feel free to start at chapter 1, and not the prologue. Doesn't really matter.
