Perizou I'm pumped to read this! I love the synopsis; it's like a mix between Only I Level Up and Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Chicks in a Dungeon, but with a female protag and that hard-come-by slice of life feel. It'll be a hot minute before I have time to review it, but I definitely will. I wanna read it in general! :)
Seshata
- Joined Jan 24, 2020
GoodHunter Wow, thank you! I appreciate this candid and thoughtful feedback. Being "info-dumpy" is actually one of my greatest concerns with writing via WebNovel. Normally when I write novels, I start off super info-dumpy just so I know all the important stuff and can find it again later. Then, once I get further along in the story or when I finish a full draft, I edit out probably 90% of the exposition, and the other 10%, I move to include in small doses here and there throughout areas where it really matters or fits better.
I've never written by the seat of my pants like this before, and it's rather terrifying. It's good for me, I think, to have to be so mindful about "what is TRULY important right this second" at all times, and it's definitely good for me not to have the chance to edit all the time and spend weeks on a single chapter making it as perfect as possible.
Buuuuut I am learning as I go, so it's good to hear from readers what aspects I'm over-writing and over-thinking.Thank you very much!
Her_Shadow Hahahaha honestly, I'm excited to read your story even more given this hilarious response. "hack away at any words that seem too clunky" is my new favorite expression. :)
And ooh yes, good luck with Clinical Psych! Those PhD programs are notorious for low acceptance rates. It's a pain the ass, tbh.
Also...OXFORD COMMAS FOR LIFE, MOTHAFUCKAAAAAS. I have intensely strong feelings about the vital importance of the Oxford Comma, and I will carry my stance to the GRAVE.
SrtaA You are so very welcome!
First, take all my words as light advice and not gospel! I haven't read the whole story (or in your case, chapter 2), so my advice is purely for that first chapter in isolation. The fact that you talk about what happened two nights ago in the very next chapter is perfect! That's all I wanted, just to know that we'll get to the bottom of that mystery early on. I'm completely pro starting mid-action--great instinct on that!
Also, I have a very similar problem with vocabulary, which is the only reason I pointed it out. I get called out all the time for words I think are completely standard vocab terms that everyone knows...only to find out that apparently no one knows them, and I'm a lit freak, haha. Always be true to yourself as much as possible, but try to temper that with being true to the specific readership you're trying to engage. You don't want to alienate your readers by making them confused or making them feel like your story is out of their league, simply because they don't have the background to understand the language. (Again, I'm telling you this, but it's definitely something I need to keep in mind myself, and I often struggle with it!)
And as for the "avoid saying things directly" cultural norm, it's definitely very prevalent throughout the world, but yes, it doesn't translate well in English. The English vocabulary is vast and colorful, and we sure love our adjectives and adverbs and modifying phrases, but plot is driven by movement. When we talk around that movement, we lose our focus and the plot becomes muddled. It's a difficult writing style to overcome, but you're on the right path, and I know you're talented enough to write impactful, engaging stories!
Keep up the awesome work, and good luck!
Arkinslize
Can I just say that the English skills of the non-native speakers on this site are so impressive to me? To be fair, I'm American, and therefore used to people who barely speak one language and manage to mangle that even after a lifetime of learning. I would be happy to read the first and last couple chapters and let you know what progress I feel you've made!And thank you thank you SO MUCH for your kind words regarding my novel! I actually have a problem with using words people don't know and thinking they're perfectly ordinary words, lol. My students tease me for this all the time, so it keeps me on my toes. ;)
Azzack I'm super happy to read both of these and answer all your questions, no problem!
Also, I'm sorry your mom wasn't supportive of an arts degree; that's unfortunately all too common. It incenses me! Not that I have anything against statistics or bio or business or what have you, but how anyone could believe the arts are not just--if not more so--important for the cultivation and continuation and EVOLUTION of the human race and society freaking baffles me! The power of storytelling is literally the most important aspect of human history that has led humanity to its current state. Every horrible era in human history is marked by periods of anti-arts, anti-creative thought sentiment and laws, and every era in history in which humankind made leaps and bounds into the future and into a more cohesive, caring race is marked by society placing an emphasis on creativity and the arts. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS!?
Ugh. Sorry. Rant over. Moral of the story, I am so proud of you for sticking to your passions even in the face of adversity and others doubting you! Keep it up!!!
burntpotato Sweet, thanks! Added to my list!
Chitawulf Your profile pic is ridiculously cool! I am in awe of anyone capable of visual arts. I used to teach high school, and the absolute best part of my job was all the original works and the fan art kids would draw for my walls. I have kept every piece, and it's now split between my office and my writing space at home. I'm sorry it drives you insane (ah, the wonders of art), but you def have talent! :)
Her_Shadow
Hello! Good luck with PhD applications; that's such a nightmare experience! One of my best friends spent months applying to Clinical Psych PhDs last year, so I'm all too familiar. I'll be sending you positive good-luck vibes!And good question. I actually have an MA in English with a specialized license for English Education, and I have an MFA in Creative Writing, which is a terminal degree, so I can teach at the university level. I'll be heading back to school for a PhD fall 2021, though, which will allow me to expand my curriculum to include folklore and anthropology studies. I also have two BAs, because why not? Haha, essentially, I'm a school junkie, tbh.
Graduated from Spalding University's School of Creative and Professional Writing (highly recommend for anyone interested in an MFA! One of the best experiences of my creative career/life!) and from Harvard University.
Re: your grammar comment: AHH SO TRUE. I feel it's really easy for well-read people to know when something's wrong or off, but it's an entirely different skill set to be able to accurately explain WHAT is wrong. It requires a specialized vocabulary that's sometimes difficult to come by. It also seems like many people are savvy enough to tell when grammatical construction is off in someone else's writing, but they can't see the same faux pas in their own.
And YES YES YES! I absolutely believe all art rules were made to be broken. My fave quote regarding this is: "Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist" -attributed to Pablo Picasso. What I love about WebNovel and other platforms like Archive of Our Own is that it grants the freedom to artists to take liberties and press boundaries and experiment freely! What those artists need to do this successfully, however, is that initial grounding in the fundamentals. You can't break a rule like an artist until you know it's a rule to begin with!
Super excited to read your story, btw! A Psych master writing about sadism--HELLS YES SIGN ME UP. :)
ihateyounot Bahahaha, careful what you ask for. ;)
And thanks! I love seeing writers come into their own, and there are so many GOOD IDEAS floating around this site, I thought it would be awesome if everyone could get their stories out in the universe in a way that everyone could enjoy! I hate visual art because nothing I draw ever looks like what I'm imagining in my head. Drives me nuts. I had a feeling several authors feel that way about their stories. They have these amazing ideas, but when they try to write them down, the story doesn't flow as beautifully as it does in their minds. I'd like to help make those lofty dreams a reality. :)kazesenken I am stoked to finish it. I'll give you my thoughts via Review when I'm all done. And you're right; you do a great job conveying meaning. The "pretty" will come with practice! :)
SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)
First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.
Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.
Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.
In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.
Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.
"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.
"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.
Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?Great opening in terms of story!
Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.
Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)
SrtaA First off, I enjoy your title! I like that the maiden is the mischievous one, and it's the prince who has to sleep his life away. I don't know if that's what your book is actually about, but I like this subversion of gendered tropes! :)
First off, simple fix that again helps EVERYONE: in your first sentence, "Firm knocks ... made Alexa startle in anticipation" -- try to avoid "helping" verbs that dilute the power of your main action words. Startle is a great word, evokes a clear picture and emotional state. "made startle" doesn't really make sense, and your real action "startle" is lost in the rest of the sentence. "Firm knocks at the carriage door startled Alexa and Lady Cordelia." We don't know anything about them yet, so you don't need "the other maiden" here; it just muddles the opening line and slows it down. Also, I'm not positive you can "startle in anticipation." I would go with startle here, and then explain Cordelia turns toward the door in anticipation or something.
Magnus von Wutenfall is SUCH a name omg. Love it.
Alexa's personality is well-established in that first line of dialogue. And her curiosity shows through when she peers outside. Also, "A handsome face showed up." is a fabulous, funny one-liner para.
In general, some of your sentences could be pared down a bit, just to help with the flow. For ex: "peered to the outside" should be "peered outside" ; also, "Alexa's violet eyes met the Prince's golden ones immediately. What she saw was the immediate shock in those eyes." should be "...(keep the first sent)... Shock widened his leonine gaze." (or whatever.) Moral of the story, we don't need two "immediate" anythings, and we don't need "what she saw was" because clearly she saw it, you just told us her eyes met his his, and that's what eyes do.
Love the mercenary and the "honor is to be lost" line, plus the "bastard" line. Your short, pithy sentences are hilarious and great at characterization.
"Concatenate" -- Bold choice. Doesn't quite flow with the story, might be a bit too intense a vocabulary term for the genre, since it's usually used in regards to coding. Also, I had to look that up to make sure I actually knew what it meant, and I have 4 degrees. Your average reader probably doesn't know that word off the top of their head. By all means, use advanced vocab and hold high expectations for your readers, but try to limit the really difficult words to times when no other word is as good.
"Le mot juste" is a French phrase that essentially means "the perfect word." It's this idea that sometimes, authors find the absolute perfect word for a sentence or an idea, and when it comes together, it forms the most perfect sentiment. I don't think concatenate is "le mot juste" in that moment. Instead of perfectly flowing within the string of words around it, it stood out too much and hurt your flow.
Okay, General Thoughts:
Pros: Interesting historical period setting, great characterization of Alexa and Cordelia. Strong visual descriptions. Cordelia's description para was especially strong. Lovely vocabulary/diction. Some really funny lines. Great high-stakes ending for a first chapter. Solid build-up of the initial mystery--Who, or what, is Alexa? Why do people either hate or love her? Why does everyone think she may have assassinated a prince?Great opening in terms of story!
Cons: Story-wise, the only light issue with the first chap is that the mysterious accident "two days ago" is more intriguing than the current predicament. I'd suggest including a few more details about what happened to her hands, how she saved people, who she was fighting, etc. You don't need too many or anything, but a few more details would help slake the hunger for backstory I was feeling.
Grammar-wise, few small issues. As I've already mentioned, sentence structure is sometimes a little wordier than it needs to be, or rather, ordered a bit strangely to mess up the flow. Watch your prepositions like "out" "of" etc.
For ex "watchful of the noble couple's clash of glances" is a bit awkward. Stick with "watching the noble couple's clash of glances"; "instinct of preservation" = "preservation instinct". Changes like this tighten up the language so the reader doesn't get bogged down so often.All in all, intriguing opening and all the makings of a fascinating tale! Keep up the great work with characterization, imagery, and diction; with a few tweaks to sentence construction, you'll be all the stronger a storyteller! :)
That's a wrap for today, folks! Sensei will be back in tomorrow morning. Thank you for trusting me with your words. I'm loving all these stories, and nothing is more satisfying than hearing that people are getting something out of my feedback. You've all made me a happy teacher. :)
StenDuring I thought as much. I actually don't have an MA, to be clear, just studied English Language and Lit undergrad, as well as comparative folklore, mythology, and world religions (which was pretty much just more comparative lit, haha). You're spot on about the diff bw my MFA critique style and MA Comp Lit analyses. Comp essays were fun most of the time, when the prof didn't require a specific thesis anyway, but I def find writer-centric analysis waaaay more enjoyable. Grammar nerd life. ;)
I think it's funny so many people are surprised people with higher-ed degrees and jobs in academia would be on webnovel. Who spends more time online reading rando stories and binging tv than students? We've been students longer than anybody! lolkazesenken Lovely opening to a short story! (but also could easily be an opener for a novel!)
First major take-away is: You Are Smart. No, seriously, you have completely gained my trust as a reader that you are intelligent, know what you're talking about, and will provide me with a story well-thought out. Even without the auxiliary chapter, I can tell you're either actually a scientist or intimately familiar with scientific processes and higher education. As a nerd myself (and most of your most avid readers will likely fall into that category as well), I am greatly relieved and satisfied when a "nerdy' character is actually a nerd and actually intelligent. I've read too many "scientist" romance novels that have exactly zero science in them, and it makes me cry.
My biggest piece of advice for your writing is to tighten it up. You have a habit of using more words than your story requires, especially prepositions and adverbs. Let's look at your first sentence:
"One might be wondering why a girl like me was holding onto a set of mirrors, carefully positioning them so that I could get a good glance at the guy across the room."It's a funny opener and does what all good beginnings should do--it raises questions for your story to answer. But if it were a tad shorter, it would add to the pithiness of the humor. Ex:
"One might be wondering why a girl like me was repositioning these lab mirrors to get a better view of the guy across the room."
The "holding onto" is unnecessary because if you're positioning them, then clearly you're touching them or controlling them in some way. "repositioning" as a verb makes the "carefully" and "holding" part unnecessary because it shows us the MC is purposefully moving something already set one way so it will be serve another purpose. "so that I could get" becomes "to get" -- most of the time, if two things mean exactly the same thing, go with the shorter version.This is not me saying that shorter is always better, just that you should only add words when they specifically add to the story, esp when they add to characterization or setting. Adding "lab" to the mirrors, for ex, gave us a little more understanding of the setting but also what she means by "girl like me": science girl who works in a lab.
Later, there's "After only a brief statement, I felt my heart tighten suddenly."
First, try to avoid "I felt" or "it seemed like"; just skip to the real action. "My heart tightened."
"after a brief moment" and "suddenly" are redundant. You only want to use adverbs like "suddenly" "instantly" etc sparingly, and only when there's no other way to tell an action is coming out of nowhere. Here, you don't actually need EITHER the first section or the suddenly, because we heard the same brief statement as the MC did, so we already know it was brief.
Instead: "My heart tightened. The sound of intelligence drifted into my ears like a ballad." (cut being played; again, obvious).
To be clear, YOU ARE HILARIOUS. The fact that she's freaking out and hearing intelligent thought like a ballad all because a guy was talking nerdy in her vicinity is comedy gold. I'm only offering suggestions to make what is already really good, really solid writing, just a bit better!In terms of adverbs, (and this is for everyone out there), take the time to think whether an adverb is necessary or just lazy/easy. For ex: "I hastily turned around" -- in this case, I'd call hastily the easy way out, and request you find a replacement verb strong enough to stand alone. "whirled around" or something. Furthermore, "turned around" is one of those descriptors like "look around" or "turned my head" that most writers don't need but overuse. If she "rushed away to her workbench" we can assume she turned that direction first before doing so. In fact, we'll only think otherwise if you specifically tell us she forgot to turn to look where she was going because she was still ga-ga over Hunky Scientist, and she crashes into a worktable or something.
Also in that sentence you have the character "turn around after grabbing a random wrench"; you want your action to follow chronological order (unless your MC is crazy or an otherwise unreliable narrator). So you'd start with the grabbing the wrench (or maybe even start with the emotional reason behind grabbing the wrench "in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping")
So this original sentence: "Nearly forgetting what I was doing, I hastily turned around after grabbing a random wrench from the nearby table, in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping."
Becomes this: "Flustered, I've forgotten why I'd come over in the first place. In a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping, I grab a random wrench from a nearby table and rush back to my workbench, face burning."All in all, this opening chap is highly enjoyable, super entertaining, and demonstrates a command of language and knowledge of the subject material. With a few light tweaks, mostly tightening up the language and replacing non-imagery-focused descriptors (like adverbs, prepositions, etc) with descriptions of imagery or characterization, your story will better highlight the parts that make it engaging and fun.
:)
Link works great! First off-AHHH WHAT A PRETTY COVER! I know that has nothing to do with grammar feedback but AHH IT'S SO PRETTY.
FANTASTIC opening lines! They're short, pithy, and do that perfect job of not only telling us the setting and describing the MC's immediate environment, but they also characterize part of the MC's personality. And then BAM, STAKES! "It's this or death." Great! Solid opening!
Haha "infamous Empire of Peaches" is not a phrase I expected to see. Love that juxtaposition between something lovely and innocuous like peaches and a dude getting his head chopped off with an axe.
The interaction with the brother is really strong. Great dialogue, great pacing to add tension/drama, and great imagery that shows us how terrified and overwhelmed the brother is.
Tiny critique--unlike most authors that should be using a few more commas, you have commas in places they don't belong. Corrected: "Our castle was ransacked." "Family heirlooms were torn from our walls and swiped from our cases." "Same with our precious jewels and horses"
If you want to use commas stylistically, try this: "Our castle, ransacked. Family heirlooms were torn from our walls, swiped from our cases, all to be sold who-knows-where."
Also, watch out for commas creating run-on sentences. "we can't afford to slow down; it gets dangerous at night!"
You do a good job of switching tenses, but make sure when you switch back and forth, you make it abundantly clear whether we're in the past or the present. For example, when you switch back to the present with "He's such a good dog" it's little confusing. Instead, try, "As I pat his sweet head, resting on my lap in this infernal carriage, I whisper, "Good dog." I'm thrilled to have him with me, one small piece of familiarity in a world of strangeness, but I wish he were with my mother and brother. They're traveling north, now, banished past the outer edges of the Empire. Banished, but still alive. I just hope they remain that way. The winters there are harsh and unforgiving."
See how this is a little clearer and brings us back to the present? You generally want to avoid paragraphs that "time travel" (verb tense shift) mid-way, since that's confusing to the reader. And when you zoom forward out of a memory, you want to ground the reader in the present with solid details (like the dog in the lap in the carriage we've already heard about).
This is for EVERYONE: Please please never use "got" unless it's dialogue, and even then, only if you MUST.
The correct version of your sentence is "I hadn't gotten a good look at him"As the story continues, you have a few more syntax (sentence structure) errors, usually comma-related. If you have two full thoughts (two independent clauses), use ; to combine them instead of commas. You don't need "had" so often either; most of the times you use "had" you could have simply used the past tense verb alone.
The details and backstory are wonderful, however, and do a splendid job with characterization and world-building. I love that the carriage driver has such a rich, complex history and his own character arc. Even the horse is an active character in this scene! That's great! The line "Red slowed to a trot, as if he wanted to hear his master's story, too" was particularly strong.
VERY STRONG CLOSE!
You expertly wrap up all the details we've learned so far, recap the important bits, close out the old world and introduce us to the new. Your story is intriguing, well-paced, well-introduced, and super fun! I can't wait to keep reading it, and I'm sure your readers felt the same! :)