NewCultivator My bad! I must have read too much into Allan's erotic bloodlust. It's my fault for drawing such broad conclusions from small similarities like that. Like I said, I can see you've been steadily improving with each chapter, so keep it up!
Zakyrie
- Apr 21, 2023
- Joined Jul 9, 2018
NewCultivator I read to chapter 7 and while it does have an intriguing premise, I don't like the direction you've chosen for the story so I'll have to pass on this offer. My comments are below.
It looks like there are some sort of vampiric race(s) that may (or may not) have been written into existence by the main protagonist (Cyril) as a sort of meta-reality, and that there is a power struggle between a faction that wants chaos (led by a lady called Allen) and another faction that wants peace (led by Carter). As to whether or not those individuals have a system of their own is still unclear - perhaps only the MC has his own system and with the latest upgrades (mind reading and action prediction etc) he is supposed to be OP but doesn't really have a goal of being a hero or doing anything heroic at the moment, especially since he is still stuck in level 1 and doesn't know how to get past that -maybe he needs to suck blood?
I absolutely loved the air of mystery in the first chapter. The ability to view other people's statuses and then use the daily changes in LUCK to predict unfortunate events (like death and injury) was super interesting and I've never seen anything like it before. I might even steal this concept for my own writing later on!
But the weird bloodlust (literally, I want to eat your blood) shenanigans by the girl called Allen doesn't make any sense and has an immature vibe to it, although the lady might be quite young as she has the physical age of a 15 or 16 year old. Given her mental age and disposition, how could she possibly be the leader of the chaos faction? Or be its primary instigator?
That said, the tension in the train was very interesting although the disjointed narrative that jumps between present action and flashbacks of the MC's system-related discoveries was quite jarring in the 2nd chapter. And from the 3rd chapter onward things started to take more of an 'angsty urban fantasy' route instead of what I actually wanted: a supernatural thriller with a system.
It also seems like English is a second language for you - if that's the case then you've done a good job of writing prose and I can see that you're steadily improving with each chapter. With a bit of editing you can really bump up the quality of the writing. I think you should keep practicing prose and continue this story in the direction you've decided to go in since I'm sure there are plenty of readers that would like to see a modern god-like vampire fantasy with a hero MC that has a system.
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dragon345 I went ahead and edited the first chapter as a sign of goodwill: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14OLwTH2xXpXSdVS0CuekRvFOd0zEJ9sEQSL2crgWmQs/edit?usp=sharing
So, first off, the story isn't really my cup of tea, since it seems to be a slice of life in a supernatural setting with lots of romance. Whereas, I'm looking for something more gritty, and action-oriented. Like an apocalyptic thriller, or a morbid comedy... basically something that can match the serious tone in my own writing at the moment.
And secondly, your story needs more than an editor. You should take a short course on grammar and sentence structure to familiarize yourself with prose, because while you have a good imagination and a nice flow to your writing, basic formatting is a big issue starting from chapter one. In particular, separating dialogue into lines of their own, shortening paragraphs by grouping related scenes together while sifting out thoughts so that they stand alone.
And, as the reviews of your story indicate (and the little that I've read so far shows), you need to stick to a single point of view at a time, and stay in the past tense when narrating in the first person POV.
You should focus on posting only second drafts of your work, because as it is now, what you've posted is more like a rough draft that is in need of not just basic formatting, but actual polish that only you as the author can provide.
The synopsis of your novel needs to be completely rewritten. To be honest, I'm not even sure why you wrote it that way, because it describes the characters instead of the plot, which should be your focus when trying to lure new readers in.
Btw, I was a little confused when an old lady in the first chapter (Mrs Brown) was watching TV when there's something as fascinating as a mermaid frolicking in a lake on the outskirts of town... but I guess that's just me.
Best of luck in your writing!
And thanks for replying, I hope you find an editor that will help your story shine!
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Peaches Those are good suggestions.
Linking to other sites where you work is published that does allow you to post Patreon links is another nice work around (although nothing beats the mobile experience for Webnovel yet).
Bitly is a decent url shortener that you can find here: https://bitly.com/ or here: https://bit.ly
- Edited
Recently, Webnovel has been censoring Patreon links.
I first noticed this in one of my favorite stories: Chrysalis. At the end of each chapter he places promotional links in the author comment section. Now, if it were simply all links in general I could be more understanding, but the discord link he posts is fine, while the Patreon link alone is censored. WTF!?
TBH, I don't care what their reasoning is, it's just plain stupid.
It's like they don't want authors to find any other means to support themselves other than contracting with them. And if that's the attitude they have, then why even allow the existence of fan fiction on this site?
Obviously, fan fiction can't be contracted for copyright reasons, so the ONLY way for them to get support is through some form of monetization like Patreon. Luckily links that were posted a long time ago (and presumably, this applies to every synopsis as well), have not been affected.
I agree with some commentators, that it seriously isn't smart for Webnovel / Qidian to make decisions without clear communication and without consulting the community first. I'm 120% sure that they consulted approximately ZERO authors when they came to this decision.
While I doubt authors that aren't contracted will leave the platform just because of this, they will without a doubt prefer platforms like Royalroad and ScribbleHub that actively encourage such monetization - they have paypal / donate buttons baked into their platforms.
Those same authors will find workarounds, for example: shortened urls. Google has a free service you use can to do this; for those interested: https://goo.gl/
I would love to be proven wrong about this and will happily eat my words if this policy changes (or turns out to be a programming mistake or some kind of error).
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Hey, am not a translator (can't speak any Chinese), but I can help you edit your work in English in exchange for feedback for my own writing. I think a Chinese perspective would really help me flesh out some of the more esoteric concepts in my story.
The Spirit Games: https://www.webnovel.com/book/12740030906010105
Btw, if you really want to go the translator route, you should probably write out some chapters in Chinese and post them online first, then post a link to the 'raws' in the forums in NovelUpdates, where some translators hang out: https://forum.novelupdates.com/
You might need a lot of chapters to get a committed translator interested.
Good luck!
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I would like to get some initial feedback in the form of an ongoing conversation instead of a one-off review, in exchange for regularly editing and / or critiquing another author's work.
I prefer reading Eastern Fantasy (Xianxia or Wuxia), System (Game-like), Historical, Horror, Magical Realism and Romantic Comedy stories, so if you're in need of an editor and write in any of the above genres and are prepared to give somewhat detailed commentary (at least 200 words per day) for my story, to help me improve my writing, then please get in touch so we can partner up.
TLDR:
What I offer: I can do editing (as a native English speaker) and critiquing to help you with your work.
What I want: A penpal! Nothing fancy - just a little back and forth about what you like / don't like in my story, with occasional discussions on future plot points along with any tips or advice you might have to help me improve.My story: The Spirit Games (TSG) - https://www.webnovel.com/book/12740030906010105
My Discord ID: Zakyrie#9137
NB: My story is an original Xianxia tale with loads of action, a bit of romance and a lot of magic. There will be no adult content, so I'd rate it at PG16.
Thank you! You're a life saver!
Please share a link (preferably via imgur) of the Webnovel Logo (the one with the image and full text) in png or pdf format (because removing white backgrounds in jpgs is tough).
I couldn't find it myself on the forum or online (at least not in good quality and not the full thing). Hopefully other authors can use this thread too.
IMPORTANT NOTE: From what I read in the forums, users shouldn't attach the Webnovel logo or Qidian logo on book covers that use artwork that they don't own the copyright to.
I took my cover art (a photo) from Unsplash.com (totally free, no credit required).
I need the logo to update my cover art. So, someone out there in the webosphere, please help! And thanks in advance!
Link to my novel: https://www.webnovel.com/book/12740030906010105
Thank you everyone!
I've decided to go with the second photo.
Super appreciate your help and support!
Please help me choose between those two covers.
Optional: and please describe why you made your choice.
Thanks for your feedback!