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LexieM3 I’m just going to sleep right now, when I wake up, I will check it out.
Btw, the synopsis is a bit boring. It’s too basic. I’ll explain later what I mean.

LexieM3 read the comment on chapter one please

Also sorry if I seem too judgemental, this is the way I am. I dub it, {the zhen_xin hammer}
And I do not plan to make a star review...yet. Maybe I’ll see how the next few chapters goes first.

LexieM3

First of all, work on your synopsis. It’s not exactly bad, but it’s too basic. It doesn’t catch my attention.
Many misunderstand the use of a synopsis in a book. A synopsis is not a summary, it is something that should lure the reader in, which is even more important when you write online. Try giving us less, but make it more interesting. Make me look forward to reading it. I want to feel what emotions I can expect by reading it.

Now, the first chapter. It tries too hard.
The trick in a tragic backstory is not about how sad it is[]. Tell you the truth, it’s not hard to make a tragic story. Add some pain, add some death, add some loss, and you have something sad.
[]The magic lies in how you deliver it.
And the worst way to do so by laying it all bare in the first chapter. Reading about the MC and her torture, I did not feel anything in particular, in fact it made me bored. I don’t really care about her, I just met her. Sure, she’s had a sad life, but in a story, it’s not that big of a deal. More than anything, it may be signs of a Mary Sue, a character who’s all great, but you add a sad background as her ‘weakness’ and make her ‘sympathetic’.

Then how do you deliver a sad background, you may ask.

We’ll, first you get the reader to care about the character.
One piece is a very good example for this. It currently has more than 833 named characters, all with their own unique quirk.
The trick, Oda, the author uses is to first introduce the character. Give him a personality, and then have them join the story. Only when the characters had an impact on the plot, or when the story warrants, does he reveal their background and explain why they are they way they are. You literally learn the Mcs background in only ep 400.

This point directly correlates with another point I want to make. There’s too much exposition. Info dumping.

You may say again, but we have stuff happening, the fights, the deaths.

Yes, you are correct, but they are written in a way that is so crammed together that it read more like a summary, instead of a story. Everything described in on chapter could be a book on its own, that’s how much it was crammed. Try starting with some action, and then explanation later.

Imagine starting the story with the MC already sitting in the police room. She, a young girl, is covered in a blood. You hear she was involved in some murder, whom she is the suspect of. The police interrogate her in a style much more fitting for adults, and she is unperturbed by their actions.
If you started like this, the story would be more interesting. It gets into the action. Makes the MC interesting and mysterious, and most of all, makes the reader wish for more.
Then only later, you reveal that they are vampires. If you want to set the somber mood, make the MC kill the cops unexpectedly. It not only doubles down on the surprise of the reveal, but also describes the MCs personality, foreshadows her background and leaves the reader wanting for more. In the end, you can name drop her, saying the only sentence, “my name is Abigail” just like you did in the first chapter.
It would not change the actual plot, but the pacing, flow and intrigue would be a lot better.
Of course, that i should only one way of writing, feel free to find another one.

Also, that’s more of a stylistic issue. Add some space. Nothing makes a reader click faster away than a wall of text.

Now, these points may be rough, but it doesn’t mean your story is any way bad. The grammar is good, and the sentences are readable. I can tell you are trying to develop your ow writing style, and I can only urge you to keep going!
The story will definitely be interesting in the long run, it has potential, the motivations are clearly defined and the characters are well thought out. Unfortunately, the first chapter has turned me away from continuing