"After being betrayed by her guild leader, she could not leave game. She wants relaxation, but could not log out. (She wants relaxation, but could not log out.) This part sounds weird, slightly. No clue why, just off. "She wanted relaxation, but could not get out" "She wanted rest, but could not log ou"

She moved her fingers around the interface, and clicked support, but could not contact a Gamemaster.

Opening her inventory, she cried. It was empty; they stole everything. She rushed out of the stone chapel and onto the dirt road looking for a person. (looking for someone)

After bumping into a few NPCs, she noticed there was no players around. Her heartbeat sped up, and her fingers where moist. (were, not where)

A guard approached Ellen and said: “Why are you naked?” She gazed at the NPC and said: “I lost my clothes.” The guard replied: ‘You are coming in for public indecency. Consider yourself lucky(,) you will get food and clothes for a few days(,) you bum.”

Ellen decided against fighting back and surrendered. She did not want a problem with the local NPC’s.

He then said: I will release you on October 7th.

Ellen responded: “What year?” The guard responded 312. (ALSO, THIS PART SOUNDS WEIRD. SHE RESPONDED, HE RESPONDED)

Ellen noted it was two years before the game started, and wondered if she was able to return home, or even find company in this world."

Check your grammar, spelling, and also, this is really annoying to read. Maybe less lines... make it blockier? Make the synopsis shorter. It may just be me, but its slightly annoying to read, too long.

    Acutelittletrap
    IMO, 80 % of the synopsis, from this part: She moved her fingers around the interface...
    to: ...The guard responded 312.
    should be put in a prologue or flashback or something.

    In the synopsis you should just summarize those dialogues and exchanges. Or just summarized the whole thing in one sentence: She's stuck in the game world.

    You probably assume your readers are familiar with the "transmigrated into a game" genre. Still, you have to provide some basic information about your setting.
    - The game's name
    - Mention that it's some sort of VR online game (it is, right?)
    - Introduce the MC, preferably starting with the name. You called her "she" and "her" in the first half the synopsis and then called her Ellen in the second half.
    - Summarize her main problem. Stuck in the game? Transmigrated into the game? Even if it's a mystery, you should call it something in the synopsis.

        I find that to be a novel way a novel way of doing a synopsis actually. But I still have to agree with @ImBloo
        The style can be left like this, but summarize it a bit. Use indirect speech, you can still add in details but not that much. Instead add those things ImBloo mentioned
        But I urge you to keep the synopsis similar. I think, if such a style should ever work, then it’s would be for a genre like this, as most probably are already familiar with the genre. Really interested in seeing how it will work out for you

          Acutelittletrap Remember the grammarrrrrrrrrr-
          Well, for me, the synopsis doesn't matter that much, I just read it for an outline of what will happen...
          Well, the guard part finding her is slightly awkward writing, I think, but good enough.

              NihilisticBeauty

              Thanks I'm trying =]

              Grammar = The devil. Little by little I hope to get to the promised land. Its hard for me to learn. =[

              To be 100% honest I don't know what an adverb vs a pronoun is.

              I learned english writing by seeing a ton of red marks on my paper, and just changing things around until they stop.

              So all the terms and stuff are way over my head =[.

                  Acutelittletrap adverb, an adjective used to describe a verb. Unlike normal adjectives describing a noun.

                  Adverb
                  he plays well.
                  Adjective
                  he is a good player.

                  Pronoun is a word that substitutes a noun.

                  He, she, it, I, you, we, that, those etc.

                      Hyowha I don't even remember much of what grammar is called anymore, I forgot what a adverb was until today.
                      All I know is, is that I can write gud. Without too many grammar mistakes or spelling errors.

                          Soo.I read the chapter. The main character (female) seems fake.
                          1. No Time passing in jail is mentioned so the character goes from massive depression over a betrayal, to altruistic desires to cast a heal spell on someone, to horny enough to "sex scene?" all in a day!!!! Put some time passage in here.
                          "After getting over her despair she noticed the other prisoner" type stuff

                          1. Where does the healing spell come from. Your introduction reveals all the characters items and stats are reset. It hints with the title you give them that they are entirely reset. So why do they have spells? This is something that reads as illogical and throws readers out of your story.

                          2. The guards. Is there only one guard? The patrolling guard shouldn't be able to become the jail keeper just because he arrested someon. He needs to finish his patrol. Are the guards stupid npc's ( requiring reputation to deal with) or human intelligent npc's (able to be reasoned with) the female.mc gains a reputation title. This leads me to believe that she needs rep to deal with the guards. But she has been reset so WHY would a guard let her out of a cell with 0 reputation. Moreover, why would a smart guard let a prisoner with an unknown amount of spells out of a cell on the prisoners say so.

                          From the looks of Your chapter you want to write a book about her surviving in the game? Or getting revenge on people who may betray her if she.ever trusts Them? Or try to get back to her old body?
                          The question doesn't need to be answered in an early chapter, however tour main character should identify some short or long term goals in the chapters in the future.

                            Write a Reply...
                            Web Novel Novel Ask