‘KILL. KILL. KILL.’

The insides of Yamor burned with fury as he raised his cutlass and charged towards a group of humans nearest to helm. His sockets burned with flames of vengeance and flames shot forth from his mouth, bringing an end to many who blocked his way.

“Captain, look.” Billy pointed at the charging Skeleton Demon and alerted his captain who was fighting off several other skeletons at the moment.

Turning his head towards the direction his subordinate had pointed at, Hosak squinted his eyes. The charging skeleton demon wasn’t ordinary. His eyes sockets glowed with red light whilst the normal demons glowed with blue and his most notable feature was the flames that burst forth from his mouth each time he screamed.

“Guess I’ve to use it no matter what..” Sighing internally, Hosak closed his eyes and recited a spell. The skeletons seeing an opening slashed at the human in front of them, the shriek of victory leaping out of their nonexistent throats even before they diced the human apart.

Restraining his fear, Hosak recited the last of the spell and a dark veil of light covered him entirely. The swords which were supposed to dice him to pieces hit the fog and rapidly corroded. Soon, the light faded to reveal a Hosak who was now clad in black armor and on his shoulder was placed a giant sword the shape of a rectangle.

“You forced my hand, remember that.” His voice was now hoarse and deep whilst before it was smooth and elegant. Swinging his sword, the 5 skeletons in front of him were decapitated and immediately turned into dust as they seeped through

    HEHAASS
    I think I have no idea the context and would like to see it in context. I also think we need more cool pirate stories with wizards.

        Lilliny Any tips to improve on my writing and grammar or do you think it's fine?

            Good. Very good.

            But if you want me to nitpick then here's a few things.

            1. His sockets burned with flames of vengeance.
              -I think it would be better to stick in tangible things in description. Readers would have a hard time imagining flames of vengeance. If the character's eyes and mouth are burning then you just have to state they are burning. If he is charging because he wants vengeance, then you should separate that. If flames of vengeance is a skill or a spell then you must capitalize it.
            2. Bringing an end to many who blocked his way.
              -Again, quite vague. If those people died then you must describe how they died. It brings readers closer to the scene. For example, 'Burning the three men who stood in his way. They screamed as they waddled their arms and then they fell, charred skins peeling from their flesh.' Or if you don't want to focus on their deaths, just say 'Burning the ____ men who stood in his way.'
            3. Billy pointed at the charging skeleton demon and alerted his captain.
              -You should trust your readers. Billy pointing at the thing and saying what he said is already considered 'alerting his captain'. A better way of phrasing it would be, 'Billy pointed at the charging skeleton demon. "Captain, look" He said to his captain who was fighting several other skeleton demons.'
            4. The omniscient point of view is really distracting (at least for me. Personal preferences). Most novels nowadays are written in third person limited or first person. You should pick a single character to focus on, either Billy, the captain or the skeleton demon. If all three are important, then you should at least separate point of views by line breaks.

            Well those are only my opinion. They might not be right.

              CreamAndCookies Thank you for your suggestion. I will take it to heart. I will post another draft later this evening (it's 3 here now. Going to post it on 6) and hope you can pick out even the smallest of mistakes and you can give your preferences too. Thank you. I do hope my grammar is good enough since I have spend months improving on it.

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