I didn't post these on the stories directly, as I thought it'd be unfair to rate based only on 3 chapters - I read 3 chapters each.
Overlord_Venus I like that you focused on characterization before plot - I can never care about a plot or world without caring about characters; but I think the story would benefit from more complex characters. The prose is straightforward, which is fine, but there's a few low-grade cliches (or overused phrases) - "rich life experiences", "cozy dreams", "lovely little grand-daughter." I did like "beat them out of their dreams", it's just using "cozy" to describe dreams is something I've read hundreds of times.
The dialogue is realistic. The plot is fine, the Sentinelese tidbit was amusing since I also know about them. That you focused on personality before describing appearance is good. I always say that if you want to make me care for someone, don't tell me the color of their eyes - tell me what those eyes see.
For Prakash & his wife, it feels by chapter 3 I've only gotten the basics; Prakash wants a daughter because he's jealous of the attention & his wife is dominant. I'm unaware if this expands later, but I'm left asking: is this indicative of deeper problems with their marriage? Is he the type of guy that has ever been tempted to look elsewhere, or is he too stalwart to cheat - or does, perhaps: "her intuition always made him uneasy; it gave him an uncomfortable feeling that if ever he had some dark secret she would sense it immediately. That, more than morality per se, had kept him from yielding to temptation."
You don't have to give everything in the opening, but something like that (er, but don't copy it since it's from a real novel, haha) would give a more complex character & make me interested. Think not only of the first layer, but the 2nd & 3rd, so to speak.
Jeysss It's plot-based - I prefer character-based, but I'll try to be helpful.
So, I also write fights, but I'm not certain on the fight prose. I don't know how to show what I mean without excerpting from an author who has good action prose, Mickey Spillane, but compare:
"Feeney Last wasn't easy. He ripped out and came in to me with both fists before I could get my coat all the way off. I caught a stinger on the cheek and under the chin, then smashed a right in to his face that sent him reeling back to bounce off one of the columns. [...] He braced against the pillar and lashed out with a kick that landed in my gut and turned me over twice."
The Blood Summoner: "The attack was parried by the handle of the ax, and countered with a giant arc swing, sending the boy back to avoid the fatal blow." A more MS-ish style might be (roughly) "His blade was fast but his foe was quicker. The handle of his axe flashed up to block and lashed out with a swing that would've torn the boy in half if he hadn't swept back."
I don't mean to suggest writing exactly like MS, though - action prose is difficult and it's best to find your own style. I have my own, but it's nothing like Spillane's. Few tips I can give: don't care about proper grammar during fights, care about conveying the action. Note how MS (a best-selling author in his time) uses multiple "ands" with no commas to keep the pace up. Try not to use needless adverbs/adjectives - if a reader can imagine fine without it, cut it. This is good practice in general, but especially in action; modifiers are lard.
Anyway, if anyone wants to post a review on my novel, here's the synopsis: "After the end of the Cold War, superpowers taking the form of bacterial colonies on one's heart begin appearing around the world. A new class of law-enforcing "hosts" is established over the next decades, given legal immunity to deal with violent criminals however they choose. In modern day, Mia Schultz is a young socially awkward lesbian. She's attacked by an unknown man and given the power to control a swarm of fire scarabs named Worldwide, and as she begins her new job at Urasaria Academy, she's soon pulled in to a mystery on Worldwide's true origins."
It's an LGBT+/action novel, but I have about 35% male readership, who presumably like Mia violently murdering criminals or that she's 6'1" in boots. I'd maybe compare it to the Spiderman trilogy where it has a plot, but you read it for the character drama. My only warning is that Mia is very awkward in the first chapter, but improves by 2-3.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/15156703205207605
