shadowdrake27 Tysm once again!!! The story probably won't end up being suppppper long (the 500 chap webnovels seem actually insane), so hopefully there will be enough content to go around -
Blurb Review
RachelRuth SrtaA @shadowdrake27 Nekonigiri001
Thank you for your words.
In all honesty, this is actually the summary of the first draft I made when I thought of this novel a few months back. I will work on a new one as soon as I get done with my exams in a few days.
I am also pretty confident in my grammar now, these last few months I have practiced much on my grammar, and even proofread and edited some really good webnovels. Now I also have a defined outline for my novel and I know what I need to focus on.
Also, in my novel, I put the system too, but it isn't here because I wasn't sure about having a system when I first wrote this summary. I will add more stuff and organize the summary well this time.
And once again, thank you for taking your time.
Hello guys, after your response I couldn't help but sit and think about my summary. I have now come with a different, more informative, and hopefully grammatically correct synopsis.
#WPC 148
Twelve Tokens. Each holds the power to overturn the Heavens.
Four Emblems. Each summoned by possessing different Tokens, each holds the power to make their possessor the Heavenly Kings, rulers of the Middle Heavens.
One God Emblem. Summoned by possessing all Emblems, declaring its possessor - the ruler of the Heavens, The Heavenly Emperor.
The Heavenly Oracle Sect has prophesied the rise of the Emperor.
Crown Prince Ye Tian Yun, the so-called Future Heavenly Emperor, Summoner of Throne and Heir to the Great Ye Empire, after spending seven years to possess the Emblem Of Luck, was ambushed by the God’s Legion, the real protagonists of the Era, on the battle for the Throne of Middle Heavens at the Hundred Realm Refining Stage. With mortal injuries and no chance to escape, he was beheaded by the true MC of the Era and possessor of Emblem Of Time, Wang Yao
However, turning the wheels of time, he has returned to the past when he was fourteen years of age!
From that very moment, Ye Tian Yun, with the knowledge of the future, decided to right all his past wrongs, kill every member of God’s Legion and possess the God Emblem.
However, before he could start, he heard a prompt,
"Ding!”
[Initiating System]
[Loading 0%.... 10%... 37%... 75%..100%]
[Initiation Success]
[Dear Host, you have unlocked the Emblem System]
Thank you for your time xd
LVTeacherman
The creature chuckled, his voice echoing within the empty walls.
"What do you wish for? Youth, Immortality, Wealth, Power, You can be the one above all, I can make you Heaven's favored child." His voice was bewitching, tempting one to the depths of hell.
Seeing Zane subtle frown at his last word, amusement flickered in his gaze, "Or would you rather subdue and overthrow the heavens, you just have to wish for the power"
Zane looked up, his eyes spoke of deep and suffocating emotions, "I will rather the heavens forget me instead"
What do you think
Dark_Scholars I like the first half a lot. A whole lot. I would rework everything after depths of hell. It doesn't have the same punch. But damn... that first part?
- Edited
Maybe the whole system genre is just not my thing, but I’m not that intrigued. You do much better than your previous one and added a lot of detail. There are a lot of good things, so I’ll start there.
I quite like proper repetition. Your first four paragraphs do use repetition well to layout a structure for your system: one must get three tokens to summon an emblem, and all four emblems to become a god. That is how it reads without having to say it in a direct/boring way. There is a plot forming here.
Your character introduction is much more fleshed out too. There is a perfect lack of the words “what not.” I think it comes across much more effectively. We know who your MC is, why he was important, and that he was killed then sent back in time. Its a pretty good intro for all of that.
Now, let’s focus on what I think can improve. I’ll cover three quick things. First is details, second is grammar (it never goes away), and third is general story issues I see.
Okay, details. These trip a lot of people up. On your first attempt, I wanted more. On this attempt, I got too many. The details about the world, plot, and main character were good (as I mentioned above). Where things got too much for me is all the stuff about the different factions, battles, and places that you throw in.
It’s so much that it’s overwhelming me. Sort of like, “there is so much here I can’t remember it all, so I’m just going to skim it.” Your blurb needs to be a quick and easy to follow teaser. The amount of information needs to perfectly balance being enough to get a taste of the story without being so much that I start to not care or lose things in the details.
@Tangerqueen has a great example on a story with a similar story concept right above this. They give enough details to make me interested without overwhelming me. For example, I know their MC plays a MOBA game (it’s named but I don’t want to look it up) for ten years and never wins a championship; however, I don’t know what team he played for, why he lost, or who his team mates were. Those are important details in the story perhaps, but they are needed to understand the concept.
I would also avoid saying things like “the true MC of the era” or “the real protagonist.” I get that this is preference that is not popular here, but it doesn’t make sense to me. You could say, “a rival for the throne” rather than “the true protagonist” and have it make more sense in my opinion.
Grammar is a tough one. Your second and third paragraphs are basically one big run on sentence. I am not gonna break it all down unless you need to too, but some of those commas need to be periods. A hyphen (this thing “-“) is not used like that. I think you are trying to use an em dash (this thingy “—“), but even then it’s wrong. An em dash has to replace a comma. Since a comma shouldn’t be in that location, the dash shouldn’t either. Basically, I’m nit picking here, so I’ll stop. Just proof read it over once you finish it to catch the little things!
Oh, my story questions. This is a fantasy, so I get anything can happen, but these things didn’t make sense to me. Also, not all of these need to be addressed in the blurb. Some of them might just be answered in the actual story, not here. I’m just asking to make sure you are thinking about these:
How old was Ye before he died? Since you never really say, we assume he is older. However, you make him sound like a rather young ruler with some of your descriptions, so make sure you know how far back in time he went. It doesn’t need to be in the blurb, but it can affect how much time he has to make changes to the future.
How did Ye turn back time? Wang has the time Emblem. This seems illogical. I would flip their emblems unless you have a plan to explain this. In my opinion, based on your description of emblems earlier in the blurb, Wang should be able to control time. Therefore, he shouldn’t have to worry about his enemy going back in time and coming for him in the past. What is the point of having an emblem if you can’t control the ONE aspect the emblem represent?
Maybe third time is a charm? Anyway this is what I came up with after all of your help. Thank you to anyone who provided input!
Tyler has been out of the dating game for awhile, ever since Carla broke his heart. He always thought his high school sweetheart would be the one. Moving on seems impossible, until a new dating app is recommended to him.
Destiny Dating promises to pair anyone with their destined lover. Not believing in destiny or true love, Tyler figures he has nothing to lose. Unfortunately, the app isn’t as simple as he expects.
His first match, Dani, invites him to her palace in another world. Tyler isn’t one to believe in the supernatural, but he finds himself having lunch with the princess of a foreign world. If that isn’t enough, he quickly finds a second match that forces him into the middle of a civil war.
First he loses the love of his life, then he is dragged into a different reality. Without anything familiar or anyone he can trust, Tyler has one question running though his mind: “Why me?”
Hi everyone, this is my summary
-----------------------------------------*-
"Your totally a weirdo! I know one when I see one and by the looks of it you're crazy too!"
" Of course not darling♡, I'm not any of those, I'm just your loving husband so show some respect and call me hubby 'kay?♡
"OH HELL NO! Get someone else to be your wife I'm out of here!"
Slam!
(He wall slams her)
"Where are you going, sweetie? You're not seriously trying to leave me again, are you? I told you you can't escape the depths of my love! I'll just keep finding you and bringing you back home safely to where you belong♡, That's with me by the way 
her without her consent in an attempt to save her. She becomes an elf! Will this marriage be broken? Or will she make up her mind to live with him until the end of time?
┐(￣ヮ￣)┌
6 days later
LVTeacherman Thank you. Can you explain further. I don't really understand
LVTeacherman Thank you. Can you explain further. I don't really understand
- Edited
This is the blurb from my novel Infinite Realms so...please do review it : )
Here it goes...
“Han Gyeol is the most powerful right now. He can't win this war.” The Mother Queen Said feeling concerned.
“Ma'am you can see the future...so please tell us will he be able to defeat him or not...?” Her minister asked her.
“I can't...his future is changing every minute. I'm helpless this time.”
The man whose fate is difficult to be even decided by Almighty. Will he be able to triumph over the dark force trying to slaughter him...?
"This low key job..?” The man chuckled while panting.
"You really think that could've helped to hide you from me."
"I never tried to hide from anyone." He replied.
"You still have time, back off now, or you'll regret."
"You- you think you can beat me." The man laughed out loud.
"I've practised my every move a thousand times just thinking about you. And you....who doesn't even know what powers you possess is challenging me, the one whom the whole kingdom wants to catch. The one who even possess the willow wand. You're a fool. JUST. LIKE. YOUR. DAD!"
As soon as the man let these words slip out of his mouth he lost his temper and yelled,
"SHUT UP YOU FCKING SSHO-"
Before he could even finish the man spelt a spell and soon a bright yellow ray emerged and embedded itself in his chest.
"Ah!" He exclaimed softly as he fell on the ground.
Every memory flashed in front of him, the memory of his mother like boss, his parents, the memory of his loved one..and a tear escaped from his flooded black eyes...
Dark_Scholars So the first part of your blurb is really strong. But, I wasn't thrilled with the rest of your blurb. When I read it out loud it didn't flow very well. I did like the last line now that I read it again. So maybe just eliminate everything from 'Seeing' to 'power'.