Brandongould Sure, please do the same to my story. There are a lot grammars mistake on mine too, so lets help each other out!

Update: Thanks for the review, and I'm done with yours too.

      RedSonia Idk why, lol this also happen before to someone I was reviewing too. I think my review was very well though out. Webnovel must not like it....I'm just glad that you're able to see it.

          Brandongould

          At first glance, I get the feeling that this story was planned using a highly detailed outline. Brandon Sanderson has a great lecture on outlines vs. "winging it", and he basically says that highly outlined stories have strong plots but underdeveloped characters--they become set pieces to be moved around in order to move the plot forward. Writers that "wing it" often have characters that are well fleshed out to the point of feeling "real", however their plots can lack focus and sometimes feel disorienting. In the second chapter, for instance, there are so many locations and names that its hard to get a sense of of where I am and what's going on.

          I did, however, focus on Emma and her rather cold parting from her father. In just one paragraph that gave me quite a gut-punch. Moments like these are highly worth exploring. I recommend using a more limited narrator to not directly inform the reader what Emma is feeling, but to hint and suggest through little actions and thoughts; a tear that forms at the edge of her eyes and she bites down on her lip until it goes away. Or how she crosses her arms tight even though there's no wind. Little actions like these provide amazing clues to how a characters feeling and invites readers to make their own guesses.

          You have a nice balance between dialogue and action, but one thing that I see missing is reflection. These moments of reflection and description let readers digest the information a bit. I would recommend switching to a more limited narrator, one that allows us to enter into the character's minds and get close to their feelings.

          If you're looking to improve as a writer, get a copy of John Gardner's "The Art of Fiction". I've found that an absolutely critical tool for my own writing and the principles in that book are, I think, a must read for anyone that's serious about improving.

          Keep up the awesome work and thanks again for reviewing my story!

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