Incursio_07

Dark_Scholars

Worked a little on mine. Tell me if it's better or worse.
*

How far will you be willing to go for the sake of survival?
How much power do you need before you feel safe and free?
How far will you be willing to go for the sake of power?
Is power a goal? Or a mean to an end?

Born to minor nobility, Marisha’s town was raided in a war, she was taken and sold to slavery at the Sapphire tower, home to some of the most powerful mages on Lukam.
From here on she'll face the darkest sides humanity has to offer as she climbs the slippery steps of the path to power.
Alone in the harsh world ruled by magicians, Marisha aims to be at the top of the food chain.
Her life taught her that as long as she lacks power, she can’t ensure her own safety, nor find her way back to her family. She’ll struggle to survive and gain power while doing her utmost to keep her morals and values. But at some point, she’ll have to choose between death with pride, or a life of guilt.

This is a story of someone who aims to reach the top from the very bottom, while dealing with moral dilemmas and impossible choices on the way.

Freedom is the idea that you have every path available to you.
But to achieve freedom you only have one path; the path to power.
Rakisha, mother of all demons.

        Incursio_07 Again, thanks so much for advice! :D
        All of that is, in fact, correct~! (I've noticed that bit flies under the radar even if I put it on a billboard tbh... lol.)

            Dark_Scholars It's called "Free Fall (Pyramid of Gold)". As for your suggestion of removing the second part - I've thought about it. It would certainly be more catchy, I think. But I'm afraid to give the readers a false impression that the book is about a superman-like MC who fights an endless procession of superpowered villains, as opposed to a story about a young man who is forced to hide his identity, carefully navigate the hostile world and also try to make music with the girl he likes.
            I'm not sure if the shorter synopsis would really be that misleading, though.

                Guiltythree
                You don't have to remove it if you don't want to.
                Just make it clear that these are your thoughts, like I said in my previous reply.

                    Selene97
                    Better I think. I would say remove the line "From here on ... path to power". It adds nothing new because all of it is expressed through the rest of the text.
                    Other than that, it would be even better if it was shorter, but this is pretty good.

                        Incursio_07

                        How far will you be willing to go for the sake of survival?
                        How much power do you need before you feel safe and free?
                        How far will you be willing to go for the sake of power?
                        Is power a goal? Or a mean to an end?

                        Born to minor nobility, Marisha’s town was raided in a war, she was taken and sold to slavery at the Sapphire tower, home to some of the most powerful mages on Lukam.
                        Alone in the harsh world ruled by magicians, Marisha aims to be at the top of the food chain.
                        Her life taught her that as long as she lacks power, she can’t ensure her own safety, nor find her way back to her family. She’ll struggle to survive, but at some point, she’ll have to choose between death with pride, or a life of guilt.

                        This is a story of someone who aims to reach the top from the very bottom, while dealing with moral dilemmas and impossible choices on the way.

                        *

                        Better?

                            Selene97
                            Much. I kind of feel the questions at the start can be compacted a little bit, but not sure how exactly.

                                Incursio_07

                                How far would you go for the sake of survival?
                                How much power do you need before you feel safe and free?
                                How far will you be willing to go for the sake of that power?

                                Changed my synopsis btw, thanks! :grin:

                                  Guiltythree I honestly agree with what others have said about the separation of the second paragraph from the first. Just a few asterisks or something to keep it separate would work unless you want to shove it into an auxiliary chapter.

                                  I suppose, for my advice, I'd simply stress the importance of the first sentence, especially when it comes to how the story displays on this site for searches/features. I think the idea in the second sentence would actually be a better hook as it shows the overall theme/concept, whereas the first is a story detail that doesn't capture my attention as much (and could probably be thrown into the sentence about Matthew if it didn't already have the em dash there).

                                  I would have given it a 8/10 until I read that golden last sentence... 8.5/10.

                                    Can i join in this conversation?

                                    I know it still needs help so can you help me in what ways it may be lacking? Rating too please 🙏

                                    42 years old Yoon chin-hae, was a jobless wreck who did nothing but stay in his mother's basement all day reading novels and watching anime.

                                    He wasn't always like this, but the situations and circumstances he'd encountered, caused him to become a waste.

                                    What happens when this waste finally loses his life in his world, only to wake up in another?

                                    And also, there is something peculiar about this world apart from all it's dungeons, monsters, hunters, guilds, powers, weapons, artifacts and the impending apocalypse which was a nothing but a game played by gods, emissaries and Constellations.

                                    It's the fact that this world is from the only novel he never got to finish in his past life.

                                    Trying his best to survive in any way possible, he didn't know that now, he had become a bug in the system.

                                    Going against the path he was fated to.

                                    An Anomaly.

                                      I'll be back to rate others after I finish the chapter I'm updating. I'm just leaving this here in the meantime.

                                      Official_jenjen
                                      First of all, too many single-line paragraphs. Join some of those suckers in holy matrimony.
                                      No comma after the name and a comma between "all day" and "reading" in the 1st paragraph.
                                      Change the 2nd paragraph to "The circumstances of his life caused him to become a waste".
                                      The 3rd paragraph needs to be changed. Maybe something like, "He lost his life and woke up in another world"
                                      And then the next one becomes, "There seems to be something peculiar...."
                                      The line "and the impending ... and constellations" is misplaced. Exchange the position of this line and the next paragraph. End the line at "artifacts" and add the "It's the fact...." after it.
                                      The apocalypse line could be changed to "He knew that the impending apocalypse was nothing more than a game ...."
                                      "Going against the path he was fated to" shouldn't be on its own line. Wed this bastard to the previous line.
                                      Keep the last line as it is. Or maybe add "..." (Ellipsis).

                                          Official_jenjen

                                          As probably evidenced by the mess of a first blurb I posted, I'm not the best at this, but here is what I think!

                                          Firstly, conventions! The first sentence has punctuation and capitalization errors. Without changing any content and fixing this stuff, the first sentence would read more like this: "42-year-old Yoon Chin-hae was a jobless wreck who did nothing but stay in his mother's basement all day, reading novels and watching anime." It's certainly not the most important thing, but it's definitely part of that first impression.

                                          The latter part of the second sentence feels redundant. It could be more like (if you don't want to combine it with the first instead): "But he wasn't like this at all until he encountered many [rough] situations and circumstances." I left "rough" in brackets since I really don't know anything about his background, but I'd assume that is the case.

                                          The question posed is good, and it might be a better hook than the first sentence written there--if you're willing to reword some things for the sake of not sounding redundant or confusing. (Like, "a waste of a person/man" instead of "this waste" as you wouldn't have introduced the character yet.) Selene97's blurb is a good example of how to start with a question. I think this "bullet point" is more of your preference, but as I said to another commenter, that first sentence is vital due to how WN displays your book.

                                          The fourth paragraph is way too specific. (I also have this problem of wanting to list everything.) You'd be better off just summarizing the gist of the stuff in that list and condensing it to two or three items at most.

                                          The last four lines I quite like. Nice job~

                                          By nature of it sounding like an isekai/transmigration/system novel, there will definitely be some generic elements to it, so I'd give it either a 6 or 7 out of 10. 😄

                                              dreamver2
                                              I would be inclined to agree with you about the question, but you have to take into account the sheer amount of Isekai stories out there. Him dying and waking up in another world is NOT a hook for an isekai story. There are tags to tell the reader your story has that element to it.
                                              Hence why I advised a shorter, more concise sentence to replace it.
                                              Then again, this is just my personal opinion.

                                                  Incursio_07 I do agree with what you're saying on that, though I did find that to be the more interesting option between that and the sort of NEET introduction as that's equally common. Regardless, the advice you gave about giving that bit a rewrite is much more helpful, and I hope the author veers more in the direction.

                                                  (Thinking about it... What I said is about the same level of redundant as that one meme about someone's 'Romance' album being about 'falling in love'... Lol.)

                                                    As it has been established how lacking I am, I do not have the mind to rate others. But I have taken to your advices and decided to rewrite the blurb. Please continue to guide me.🙏

                                                    "𝕴𝖋 𝕴 𝖉𝖔 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌"

                                                    " ....𝕴 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌."

                                                    At the age of 42, Yoon Chin-hae was a jobless wretch who did nothing but waste away in his mother's basement. Although, he wasn't always like this, but the things he'd faced and the things he'd caused led to his own detriment.

                                                    What will he do when he wakes up in an all too familiar world filled with magic, monsters and dungeons?

                                                    A world soon to be toyed with by the Gods?

                                                    There is only one thing to do. And that is to go against the fate that has been set in stone since the beginning. But beware, for even for a transmigrator, nothing is always as they seem.

                                                      Official_jenjen

                                                      Not much experience in writing a blurb, but a lot of reading here.

                                                      I'm addressing your current blurb not the ones above, and I'm simply stating what I see as a reader.

                                                      *

                                                      I get the generic transmigrator story vibe from it, a jobless guy who want nothing but escape reality and find himself in another world.
                                                      To people who like these stories, I believe this will appeal to, but nothing about this stand out in one way or another.
                                                      Even the parts of a world soon to be toyed with by the gods and nothing is always as they seem I've seen both before, although these are certainly hooks.

                                                      It doesn't say anything about the story though, I've seen amazing transmigration stories, and terrible ones. It's impossible to tell.
                                                      It's also hard to stand out in an overused trend such as isekai/transmigration, but plenty of crowd who love these.

                                                      All in all, generic but delivers what the story is about.

                                                      *

                                                      I'd get rid of the word "for" at the line:

                                                      But beware, for even for a transmigrator, nothing is always as they seem.

                                                      But beware, even for a transmigrator, nothing is always as they seem.

                                                      Hope this helps! :thumbsup:

                                                          Official_jenjen Actually, everything the other comment said is on-point to me. Otherwise, I'll just correct some smaller stuff, though I do think this is a rather large improvement from the first blurb.

                                                          Starting with a quote is another good approach for sure. I would caution you about special fonts a little as I know (usually Chinese) characters can get your story blacklisted. It definitely needs the ellipsis on the first bit as well. "However" might feel a little less awkward than "Although" at the start of that second sentence. Lastly, "nothing is always as it seems" would be more of the correct phrase just because it's usually used in the singular form.

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