Barion_Trident Don't worry. I'll also review your novel. But it will be in a few hours because in my country it's already late at night and I'm dying of sleep.

      Hello LordYangStar,

      I was reading Chapter 1 of your story, and the beginning is mostly... narration? Would be right to say that it gives the vibe of being narrated to? The same vibe that this would give:

      In a land far far away, there lived a boy and a girl.

      Very narration-like, very distant. Like someone is telling a tale.

      You then go off to talk about elements and civilizations and such. Without hooking me into the story, you've already gone theological/philosophical/theoretical/whatever on me. I also disagreed with your analogy of The elements were the puzzle of the universe.

      The puzzle refers to the whole assembled piece. The elements would be akin to more like the pieces of the puzzles. The building blocks of that puzzle. Instead, you said the elements were the puzzle of the universe. You lost a point from me there already. Starting off with a theory (that I could already disagree with), and then continuing on trying to build on it. To present to you with an example:

      Americans are the hardest and smartest workers in the world. They...

      See how you would find that hard to believe and then be more than likely to just gloss over the next few part of what I would say?

      Then you lost another point for a lot of incomplete sentences. Fragmented sentences. Whatchamaycallit... a sentence fragment? A lot of incomplete sentences. To be a sentence, you need two vital information: a subject, and a verb.

      For example, here, I'll cross out the prepositional phrases so you can see what your sentence looks like:

      (In one) (of the countless areas) (of space) (with many elements) gathered (in one place).

      See? The only relevant grammatical parts here were 5 prepositional phrases, and 1 verb. No subject.

      While I do get that you want to achieve some sort of effect with incomplete sentences like these ones...

      Hovering tens of meters above the ground.
      In the distance, more specifically, hundreds of kilometers from the creature.
      Clearly indicating that this purple orb was made of strong poison!
      With all the surrounding Abyssals Clones dead.

      ...they're still incomplete sentences and a slight annoyance to read. It's like opening an ice cream bucket/jar/can to find out that only the top half of it has ice cream while the bottom half is empty.

      Next, you'll also have to revisit on how colons are used. They are not supposed to be used like how you did below:

      Unlike the unkempt mountains: created from the corpses of these horrendous creatures.
      ...
      The countless rocks that were floating quietly around him moved as if they were alive: and combined into five rock pillars with strange symbols!
      ...
      The man smiled without showing any concern at the Abyssal Clone's surprise attack, with his ax as the center: he created in less than a second a gigantic semi-transparent elemental ax that swung down so fast that even the Abyssal Clone had no time to dodge!

      You could also look up how speech tags are punctuated, and stick to a certain style. The key here is to remain consistent.

      "Oh? I see you're getting more serious already." The man said.

      And for some reason, you mentioned "for some reason" twice. It stands out. It doesn't make sense. Don't state to the reader that "for some reason, this happened". Instead, show it. The readers will noticed that it happened for some reason already.

      I'm a proponent of having your story start out filled with action. Make it immersive. Start the story off by "showing", not "telling".

      Kind of like:

      (Tell)
      The elements were the puzzle of the universe. (Tell) Each element was essentially a vital part of every star, planet, comet, and even supermassive black hole.       (remove)

      (Tell) None of the above would exist without its respective element. (remove)

      (Tell) In one of the countless areas of space with many elements gathered in one place. (Tell) Unlike other areas of the universe that only had one or two elements. (remove)

      (Tell) A civilization was having a life and death battle with a creature of illogical proportions that broke all the laws of physics.
      (ADJUST: How can we portray this life+death battle with a creature of illogical proportions that is physically impossible?)

      (Tell) The home of this civilization was a giant planet that for some reason, was covered in a layer of dark clouds that released an ominous feeling.
      (ADJUST: Instead of saying that it was covered in a layer of dark cloud, let's describe it instead?)

      (Tell) Even the light radiating from the orange star of this planetary system could barely penetrate this cloud layer.
      (ADJUST: Instead of saying, lets describe?)

      (Tell) For some reason, the hideous creature that was as immense as a continent ten of millions of kilometers long had an anxious and annoyed expression.
      (ADJUST: Show that the creature is annoyed/anxious. Say, a symptom of anxiousness/nervousness is darting eyes. Tapping fingers. Etc. Lets use something like that).

      (Tell) Its dozens of hollow eyes with red pupils had a bloody glow and extreme hunger.
      (ADJUST: Don't be passive by describing it. Instead, maybe you can say something like, "it glowed". More active presence).

      This, and all the way until the Bang!, was mostly you telling me the story. That makes it very uninteresting.


      I propose removing the narration and jumping straight to the story, and fill it with action. Using the proposed edit above, I drafted a sample keeping these adjustment notes in mind:

      *ADJUST: How can we portray this life+death battle with a creature of illogical proportions that is physically impossible?)

      (ADJUST: Instead of saying that it was covered in a layer of dark cloud, let's describe it instead?)

      (ADJUST: Show that the creature is annoyed/anxious. Say, a symptom of anxiousness/nervousness is darting eyes. Tapping fingers. Etc. Lets use something like that).

      (ADJUST: Don't be passive by describing it. Instead, maybe you can say something like, "it glowed". More active presence).*

      A layer of dark cloud covered the entire sky. (this is an active sentence. The cloud is actively covering the sky). Even the rays of light from the orange star could barely penetrate this layer of cloud. (This is another active sentence. The RAYS penetrate the layer) The once-blue oceans were now stained as black as oil and the aura of death pervaded over these oceans. (To contrast, THIS is a passive sentence. The oceans were stained. You can indeed make it active by saying: "XXX stained the ocean" )

      (Then we can describe the corpses. We want to paint an image, not just say, "there was a corpse there)
      Corpses were strewn everywhere--so much that many mountains of them were formed. Corpses of terrifying-looking creatures with purple skins and tentacles laid throughout the land. Corpses of human-shaped beings in beautiful and elegant armor were scattered all around.

      more description to set up the scene if you wish

      Now to describe about the nervousness
      'Its' eyes darted around, constantly scanning the area. 'Its' chest tightened up as it attempted to breathe in. 'Its' newly sprouted tentacles were trembling. Etc

      And then, BANG, fight scene!

      Show more things too! Like here:

      The Abyssal Clone, with a scared expression, shot its poison orb!

      How would a scared expression look like? What else would a person do when they're scared? What are the other accompanying actions/physiological reactions? Etc.

      And then you can talk more about your elemental theory or such later on too, I guess, if you want.

      The biggest takeaway is this: what exactly are you wanting the reader to ask by the end of this chapter? What is your hook and what are you intending to do to draw the readers in to your story?

      So far, the information presented is a bit inconsistent.

      Life and death battle of a civilization was taking place, but the fight ended after a few "bangs!" Monster of huge size, millions of km long, can be talked to as if it was right there by the people attacking it. And once they're that size, how do they crash into a mountain of corpse? How can a mountain of corpse be big enough for a monster of that size to crash into?

      Then there was the description of "temperature instantly rose in the battlefield", and the "monologue" about the hero's sister using voice+fire element. But no signs/details of voice preluding this at all.

      But all in all, it's a start. There was some suspense. Seems to be some OP characters already. So I'm guessing that the rest of the story is going to be on character development? Some mention of "hero", so I'm guessing there would be maybe some 'demon' along with this?

      Thank you for tuning into my review. Hopefully it points some things out to you.

        Nou Incredible, thank you very much. I will do my best to correct everything you pointed out.

            Here is mine:
            Guropeji
            http://wbnv.in/a/7fgouJn

            Please read the content warning on the synopsis first. Several scenes are brutal ;D

            If you agree to check out my story and leave honest feedback, I'll really appreciate it. In the meantime, I will check out yours.

            Cheers!

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