Initial impressions:
title

Sypnosis:

... When she was 8 years old, her family was killed by an unknown people and she was the only one who survived, she was enraged by her parents' death so she decided to take revenge on them.

Three things about the synopsis:

1st) a/an is always singular. People is NOT a singular word. So when you say "an unknown people", it's incorrect and awkward.

2nd) You have a super long run-on sentence. I've split the sentence into the [non-italic] half and the [italic] half. Split that up somehow.

3rd) decided to take revenge on them sounds a little.. off. She was ENRAGED, and "decided" is too calm of a word to fit with "enraged". Additionally, "to take revenge on them" doesn't sound right either. Something seems off here.

I tried reading your chapter 1. Its a hard read. I'm reading a story, right? Not a screen play right?

"Yes.? what is it?" <- sitting in the chair with boredom gesture, waiting for her 30 seconds ago.

There's several ways to go about it, and you went with the most... non-storylike way ever. You could have told that she had been waiting for half a minute. You could have described the "boredom gesture".

"Shia! I got good news!"

Shia, who was twirling her hair in boredom from having to wait for the past half a minute, responded, "Yes? What is it?"

There are lots of incorrect punctuations used. Here are some examples:
Periods + Question/Exclamation marks

"Shia.!~ I got good news.!"
"Yes.? what is it?"
"What.!?"

Usage of tildes ~ makes it look like a text/chat message

Incorrect capitalizations of should-be names, at the beginning of the sentence, etc.

I was currently adopted by the duke of flowell and duchess flowell...
"Omg, who is she? she's so pretty like a cute fairy! her blonde hair and very bright sky blue eyes.!"

Even text-short hand! OMG!

Incorrect word usage:

The Countess is angered about It and gritting her teeth.

Either go with "was gritting" or "gritted", etc.

TLDR:

  • Very lackluster. No suspense build up. All "this is what happened to her, so pity her. But wait, she's OP".
  • Everything is pretty cut and dry. Nothing to relate to, and the things presented seems pretty.. farfetched to believe in.
  • Lots of grammatical mistakes. Punctuations, capitalizations, incorrect word usage, stage directions, etc.

Lots of areas needed to be worked on. Phrases needs to be varied, and sentence length needs to be varied also.

But most importantly, work on creating suspense. Look at this here.

    Nou Hi, I'm sorry for the wrong grammar I'm still learning some grammar TvT!!! But thankyou for teaching meee!

        Hello, so, I need some review for my book, and the terms are:

        • Do a review for my book here:
        https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/24244163506313605?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4321438355

        • After reviewing my book, please reply 'DONE' to this post, and drop your link.

        • I will also review your book with my second account, but don't review with spam words such as: great author, more chapters, etc.

        I will read your book too and give a honest review 

          4 days later

          Sweet_Vanilla553

          Sure thing. I'm going to do something a bit different though. I'm going to change your synopsis a bit, and you'll have to try to figure out what I did and why I did it. Keep in mind that I'm adjusting it before reading your story. So while the details are off, the core essence still remains:

          New Synopsis:

          Noah was loved and treasured by everyone in his life.

          His parents, the richest people in the city, pampered him with gifts.
          His two sisters showered him with compliments while his two brothers protected and sheltered him.
          Even his husband whispered sweet nothings into his ears every time are together.

          But all that love... ended when he was 24. His mom and dad were shot in the head. His sisters' necks were slit wide open. His brothers? Electrocuted in the hot tub. And him? Beaten black and blue and left on the ground to bleed out internally. All for the love of money and power.

          If he had one regret, it is that he didn't realize it sooner. How he wanted to change things. As his vision darkens, he thought to himself, 'I wish I had done things differently'.

          And he died.

          *BOOM*
          Noah's vision returned to him as a jarring pain cut through under his right leg. The same leg that was sliced when he had an accident during horseback riding at 14. He no longer felt the bruises from the beating he took earlier. As he open his eyes, he saw blood flowing down his leg from a wound that was where his scars should have been and a horse running off into the distance. The same damn horse that was sold off 10 years ago after the accident.

          'Wait a minute. Where's the scar?' he thought to himself. 'Could it be...'

          He looked at his hands. They were smaller. His six pack, gone. His arms, skinnier.

          "Noah! Are you okay?" a petrified voice yelled out.

          Noah reacted to the sound of the voice. He would never forget that voice. That was William's voice. It sounded higher than normal though. When Noah looked towards the voice, he saw him. Him. William. But William was a teenager. Not the big William he knew. William, his husband. William, his love. William, the very same man who murdered his whole family. William, the one who killed him. William.

          Everything started clicking to place. This was when he first met William. When he was 14 and suffered from the horseback accident. He had traveled back in time.

          Okay, ignore that. I was going to write a synopsis, but got carried away and wrote my own chapter 1 instead. Yikes. Sorry! I'm going to leave it there though, because I spent so much work on it, it'd be a shame to have it disappear forever.

          Essentially, my original point was, your synopsis was very lacking in terms of show not tell.

          Noah was the youngest child of the richest family in the city. For some reason, he got loved by everyone as if he was a treasure.

          His parents said they love him.

          His two sisters said they love him.

          His two brothers said they love him.

          For some reason. So you don't know the reason? Make up one. You're the author. By putting for some reason here, you're stating that "oh, he happened to be loved by everyone even though he doesn't seem to have deserved it". That doesn't make the reader want to root for him.

          And everything in your synopsis is cut and dry. You spoiled everything. Plot, drive, motif, and... resolution.

          As he succeeded, the fated one for him appeared in front of him changing a lot of things in his previous life and giving him a lot of happiness preventing his dark past life

          So pray tell, what's to get us to read chapter 1? Everything was already given. He got killed by his husband, he goes back in time. He succeeded in getting revenge and saving everything that was lost. And in tern, got lots of happiness.

          You told us that he is now living "happily ever after" already in the synopsis. Cool. Story's done. Next book time.

          Leave some things hidden. Expose enough to generate interest. Don't give away everything.

          Chapter 1

          I will not let go of this

          Frankly, I prefer the order of the wording to be: I will not let this go. Potatas Potatoes I guess.

          Work on speech tag punctuation:

          "I will not let go of this", A young man

          Work on describing things in a less confusing order, focusing on the important bits. How do you look "the same age" AND "younger" than him at the same time?

          there were more than five men who looked the same age and younger than him

          Here, is it important to know that they're about 24 or under? Maybe if so, you can phrase it like:

          There were more than five men who looked to be in their early 20s, but none of the five were older than him.

          Ambiguous:

          He was already prepared to die when he heard his family had already left him alone

          Was he ready to like, "kill himself"-prepared? Or did he know that "there's no chance I'm going to survive"-mentally prepared?

          "I will never let go of this. Please, If I could get another chance, I am gonna make them pay for everything"

          How does he speak when... he's already dead? How does tears continue flowing when his face was squished by a pillow? Pillow sheets often do a great job dabbing some of those tears away.

          Awkward phrasing:

          I am the best. Anyone could never get near me" --> No one could ever get near me

              Okay. Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place as I read this story. I'm going to stop pointing specifics here and point out the overall things I got from chapter 1:

              • Your story is a bit... basic. I feel it's not very fleshed out. It feels like you're attempting to explain everything to me, the reader, as you present your story. Even the bad-guy-laugh-as-he-succeeds-in-killing-everyone and the oh-very-professional-killer-who-have-done-this-a-million-times seems forced. Its like you're telling me a lot of things about this dude, and tried to explain all the bad guy's motives in this story. In chapter 1.

              The story in itself isn't very suspenseful. MC gets killed. Bad guy smiles over his victory and achieving his goal, which are clearly explain already. Then MC slips back in time and is freaked out by his sister who he happily reunites. What's the suspense here? What's driving the story? The MC isn't in jeopardy because he's clearly dead. The "I will never let go of this" was a good start, but nothing was built on it, leaving it fall kind of flat.

              To quote this site

              "Suspense happens in the stillness of your story, in the gaps between the action sequences, in the moments between the promise of something dreadful and its arrival."

              What's the promise of this something dreadful that would arrive? In Game of Thrones, we have the promise of "Winter is coming" and "deaths". In Harry Potter, we have the promise of "a brighter future". What do you have here for your story?

              A murder is not suspense. An abduction with the threat of a murder is.

              If you want readers to emotionally distance themselves from the story, show one murder after another, after another, after another; but if you want to build tension, cut down on the violence and increase the readers’ apprehension about a future violent act.

              The scariest stories often contain very little violence.

                TLDR:

                Alright story. Decent action, but no suspense/plot build up. Everything really cut and dry. And I can't tell if you wanted the book to be focused about "going back and getting revenge", or "going back and living happily ever after".

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