Sweet_Vanilla553
Sure thing. I'm going to do something a bit different though. I'm going to change your synopsis a bit, and you'll have to try to figure out what I did and why I did it. Keep in mind that I'm adjusting it before reading your story. So while the details are off, the core essence still remains:
New Synopsis:
Noah was loved and treasured by everyone in his life.
His parents, the richest people in the city, pampered him with gifts.
His two sisters showered him with compliments while his two brothers protected and sheltered him.
Even his husband whispered sweet nothings into his ears every time are together.
But all that love... ended when he was 24. His mom and dad were shot in the head. His sisters' necks were slit wide open. His brothers? Electrocuted in the hot tub. And him? Beaten black and blue and left on the ground to bleed out internally. All for the love of money and power.
If he had one regret, it is that he didn't realize it sooner. How he wanted to change things. As his vision darkens, he thought to himself, 'I wish I had done things differently'.
And he died.
*BOOM*
Noah's vision returned to him as a jarring pain cut through under his right leg. The same leg that was sliced when he had an accident during horseback riding at 14. He no longer felt the bruises from the beating he took earlier. As he open his eyes, he saw blood flowing down his leg from a wound that was where his scars should have been and a horse running off into the distance. The same damn horse that was sold off 10 years ago after the accident.
'Wait a minute. Where's the scar?' he thought to himself. 'Could it be...'
He looked at his hands. They were smaller. His six pack, gone. His arms, skinnier.
"Noah! Are you okay?" a petrified voice yelled out.
Noah reacted to the sound of the voice. He would never forget that voice. That was William's voice. It sounded higher than normal though. When Noah looked towards the voice, he saw him. Him. William. But William was a teenager. Not the big William he knew. William, his husband. William, his love. William, the very same man who murdered his whole family. William, the one who killed him. William.
Everything started clicking to place. This was when he first met William. When he was 14 and suffered from the horseback accident. He had traveled back in time.
Okay, ignore that. I was going to write a synopsis, but got carried away and wrote my own chapter 1 instead. Yikes. Sorry! I'm going to leave it there though, because I spent so much work on it, it'd be a shame to have it disappear forever.
Essentially, my original point was, your synopsis was very lacking in terms of show not tell.
Noah was the youngest child of the richest family in the city. For some reason, he got loved by everyone as if he was a treasure.
His parents said they love him.
His two sisters said they love him.
His two brothers said they love him.
For some reason. So you don't know the reason? Make up one. You're the author. By putting for some reason here, you're stating that "oh, he happened to be loved by everyone even though he doesn't seem to have deserved it". That doesn't make the reader want to root for him.
And everything in your synopsis is cut and dry. You spoiled everything. Plot, drive, motif, and... resolution.
As he succeeded, the fated one for him appeared in front of him changing a lot of things in his previous life and giving him a lot of happiness preventing his dark past life
So pray tell, what's to get us to read chapter 1? Everything was already given. He got killed by his husband, he goes back in time. He succeeded in getting revenge and saving everything that was lost. And in tern, got lots of happiness.
You told us that he is now living "happily ever after" already in the synopsis. Cool. Story's done. Next book time.
Leave some things hidden. Expose enough to generate interest. Don't give away everything.
Chapter 1
I will not let go of this
Frankly, I prefer the order of the wording to be: I will not let this go. Potatas Potatoes I guess.
Work on speech tag punctuation:
"I will not let go of this", A young man
Work on describing things in a less confusing order, focusing on the important bits. How do you look "the same age" AND "younger" than him at the same time?
there were more than five men who looked the same age and younger than him
Here, is it important to know that they're about 24 or under? Maybe if so, you can phrase it like:
There were more than five men who looked to be in their early 20s, but none of the five were older than him.
Ambiguous:
He was already prepared to die when he heard his family had already left him alone
Was he ready to like, "kill himself"-prepared? Or did he know that "there's no chance I'm going to survive"-mentally prepared?
"I will never let go of this. Please, If I could get another chance, I am gonna make them pay for everything"
How does he speak when... he's already dead? How does tears continue flowing when his face was squished by a pillow? Pillow sheets often do a great job dabbing some of those tears away.
Awkward phrasing:
I am the best. Anyone could never get near me" --> No one could ever get near me
