Staria_

  • Jun 28, 2023
  • Joined Oct 18, 2018
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    starryxl

    Just finished reading and reviewing. Here are the comments I didn't write in the review

    1. You have great literary skills and word use but there are mistakes in expressions. e.g lifetime time to lifetime, in the main time to in the meantime, pull a spark to light a spark.
    2. Double check for typos there are missing 's' and missing quotation marks or words have an 's' when they're not supposed to. Grammarly can fix most of these but I'd suggest getting someone else to beta read or crosscheck your work.
    3. You can ignore this but I'm not sure about the age of the men but since one is married I'd assume that they're quite mature however their dialogue is quite childish like teenage boys. When the main character speaks he doesn't give the image of a quiet, powerful tycoon. It gives more rich angry teenage boy especially how they attack/insult. I said to ignore this because I normally comment on what I can fix but I'm not quite sure how to fix this. Notwithstanding I'll recommend looking through rich cold aloof CEO books choosing one you like and examining their dialogue.
    4. I also think that one main reason it sounds weird is that you try to reveal the plot and his back story through his words. This makes it seem like he's talking too much. I'd suggest you put it in his thoughts or the narration instead of his words.
    5. It's a really good book and you did a really great job. I really liked it,
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        ThreyaMidnight
        Hey, thanks for the review. I'm a big fan of onomatopoeia, so it's a staple in my works. Now I'll tone it down in the future. I also took time to review my work for grammatical errors, but there were none except for the word sighted(past tense of sight). If people weren't reading it correctly, they might have thought I meant sighed, so I went back to add some context so people won't make a mistake. Thanks again.

        Since you took the time to review mine, I decided it'd only be right to do the same. However, I didn't post it in the reviews so that people won't doubt your work before trying it out themselves.

        1. Simple Grammarly fixes and checks His to he's, the secret between to secret behind. There are more but couldn't list them all
        2. In writing, you should stick to one tense. You go back and forward between the present and past e.g. use he had soft hair that made instead of he had soft hair that makes there were other examples before this, and it interrupts reading flow and image building
        3. Character introduction is too long. You don't have to give all those details at once because the readers won't remember. Space them out over chapters and bring them up when relevant. Because descriptions go on forever, I get bored and reading one chapter seems like it's taking hours, and I'm not yet progressing into the storyline.
        4. The Story idea was wonderful but I would recommend reading more actual books or webnovels and choosing one you view as high quality to use as a template.
        5. After making these changes, I'm sure you'll garner lots of views.

        Thanks again for your review

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