- Edited
Sorry if this is too long of a context.
About 3-4 years ago, I posted my first chapter on webnovel, which resulted in a newfound hobby other than gaming—storytelling. This truly fits me since I love to immerse myself in my own mind and my imagination is not that bad.
Surprisingly, my story gained quite a traction, reaching I believe the top 20 in the weekly rankings despite being a newbie and not contracted. This boosted my confidence and motivation, prompting me to churn out 2000-word chapters twice a day for what I believe lasted for 8 days.
But while this was commendable for a beginner, it still paled in comparison to the crazy updates from other authors in the community. But I don't care, I still take pride in achieving this since this was a result of my sheer willpower.
But in the end, the intense pace took a toll on myself and I grew tired of writing. But it wasn't that I hate the story, it's just that it was mentally draining to pump out even a single sentence. And I believe this was when I found the concept of 'writer's block'. And so after attempting to diagnose this problem, I figured I needed to reduce the frequency of updates for my own well-being and the story's quality as well. And so I did. I took my time to write.
To keep things short, over the years, I've published around four stories, each falling really short of my expectations in terms of chapter count. Two of them barely exceeded 5 chapters, while the other two surpassed 10.
Surprising right? Especially when you realized that I've figured out the rough outline of the plots for the next 4-5 volumes/arcs for most of the stories. And even this is an understatement.
Having disappointed my readers so many times, I stopped publishing new stories........ But it's really hard.
One of the biggest joy and motivation I very much loved was when my stories were appreciated, when the readers said thank you for the chapter, or when a reader bookmark my story.
It plays a big part in my hobby, so to take that away from me is something that I refuse to let go.
So fast forward, when my desire to just.... share my story really wants to explode, I think I've identified the problem. And that is, I cared too much about my stories.
It makes sense. Striving for perfection, constant obsession over existing and potential plot holes, and endless editing to the perfectly fine sentences had thoroughly paralyzed my writing. And yet I still found myself repeatedly reading previous chapters every few days to ensure that everything was flawless and is going as intended. This expection and vision that I set were too high for my noobie skill to even touch. And of course this led to a hiatus that lasts for months.
Even with the coming of ChatGPT, a tool that tremendously aided my writing skills, there was no substantial change. Instead of using it properly, all I did was to revision the paragraphs again and again and again until I deemed them perfect. This unproductive cycle made the process of writing even a single chapter longer than a few days.
So with the things said above. Everything just click, this had to be the core problem.
And with this belief, I started a new story on a second account, a completely fresh start. I made a rule for myself to not think beyond one arc/volume, and I set a restriction for each chapter to only be over 1000 words. I also promised to keep the writing as simple as it can.
Fortunately, things seemed promising. I received some supports and a few reviews, saying how the beginning was nice....... but how the update stability was really slow.
Of course, I do not let that get into my head since the goal was not to update frequently, but instead consistently. As long as I can finish an arc/volume then I will deem this experiment a success. That I indeed can write a story. That I too, can be a proper author.
But as expected, issues began surfacing. In just five chapters, the cracks had already appeared. It's been a week since my last release. The latest chapter, even, took over two weeks for me to complete, stupidly different from the previous four that only required at most 3-4 days to write.
Admittedly, I was quite busy during that period, but even with that, no excuses could justify the two-week gap or even the current one week of silence. In the end, the root of the problem lies in me.
Did I accidentally cared too much about the story? Maybe..... I won't deny the moments when I unintentionally started criticizing and searching for flaws in my story. I'd notice imperfections in my writings and tried to edit and fix those and I would unintentionally devised the rough plot for the next two volumes of the story.
And although I managed to control most of it, the signs definitely exist.
But is this truly because I care too much about the story? There are times when I deliberately avoid thinking about the story, instead focusing on an entirely new story in my head.
So, I ask myself again, what exactly is the core problem? Could it be that I struggle to focus on one thing? Or is it a result of my constant procrastination?
Just WHY can't I finish ANYTHING? Why do I struggle to see something through to the end?
This problem of not being able to finish anything seems to exist in other aspects such as studying, it's just that it became glaringly clear because I kept trying to resist it for my desire to write stories.
And although I have no intention of giving up, I felt afraid. I'm worried that I will disappoint my readers and caused them to leave, which will only make me angry at myself and abandoned the story. If such a future truly became reality, I might have to let go of this hobby.
But I don't want it. I really don't. But I'm really afraid. Especially now that I have some valid excuses to avoid writing like my work and my attempt to rebuild my social life after disappearing from my friends for so long.
And I guess that's everything.
For now, I'll be setting up a goal to write at least 100 words each day regardless of quality. I dont know how long this will last. But I fervently hope there will be some success with this. I can't afford to disappoint the readers or myself anymore....
Although this definitely sounds like a shameless promotion, if any of you wish to see my progress, and also be the social pressure that will force me to write for fear of showing the world just how much of a failure I am. Although I won't share the link, you can easily find it since I share the same name with the webnovel and forum. But feel free not to read the story. I just need the fact that someone out there might be checking my progress once in a while.
Anyway, after writing this long post, I am now even more certain that I don't want this to fail. I really don't. So please, if you have any idea or any tips that may help me, share it. I'll be posting this on a few other writing forums and subreddits since I figure this may be something more of a problem about personality and self-discipline.
And regardless, tq for reading such a long post of mine. The fact that you spare so much time is enough reason for me to be happy.