merun I personally prefer medium sized chapters. Too short make it end things too abruptly, while too long ones usually means lots of words used to describe things which could be simply written. I usually publish between 1000-1500 words.
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    KillerHemboy

    Haha I am sorry but I just finished your second story, just because you said it doesn’t have the beginner mistakes you did make in your first novel and it had fewer chapters. So now my opinion would be a more qualified one, when seen in relation to the whole novel. I hope you’re not too mad at me. :D Even so I can give you a bit of hope, because I have decided to continue this thread even after the first 5 recommendations. Nevertheless I am not going to pump out reviews like I did before and rather have a slower paste, so I don’t know jet, when I will come back to your first novel.
    With no further ado, let’s get into this (World Domination System: reading status, chapter 10)

    So as you can see, I actually did read a full 10 chapters of your novel, which is the maximum number I set up for this thread. From this it follows that I actually did enjoy reading your novel quite a bit (, besides it haveing relatively short chapters). I can say that, if the other authors I checked out till now were rank 0 authors (with Rabbinik being close to rank 1), you are a true rank 1 author. Your mode of expression has a good foundation and even exceeds a simple foundation by a bit. You are the first one I read, who actually tried to implement metaphors and other stylistic Devices (even though they still have a lot of potential). Your sentences are well build, with no major flaws. Your storyline also has some unique traits (I personally liked the idea of the beginning experiment) and nothing that overly triggered me. With that being said my review is going to be a more in-depth one, than the ones I did before.

    So now to the things I still see more potential in. I am going to do this in two parts, first about your writing style and second about your Plot.
    In regards of the writing style, I can say that overall with the foundation you build, it should now be time to focus on transforming the foundation you have into a personal and unique Style of writing, that represents yourself. With that being said, I still have to address some flaws, which are obstacles in the way of doing this. Firstly, you don’t focus on the emotion within your story and rather prioritize the word flow (I know I am being philosophical at times, but otherwise I have a hard time describing my feelings while reading your novels xD). I think a good way of improving here would be, thinking about what u want the readers to feel and what stylistic devices and specific words can induce that feeling. In close connection to the first aspect is the second one I want to address. It is your System (and don’t worry I will come back to that point plot wise too xD). You already did a great job with using short simple sentences, when it converses with Daneel. This implements a difference to a Conversation between two human beings. But this difference is only shallow. You should decide on, whether you want to make a “human-like” System, that is similar to an AI or if you want the System to only be some kind of technical Device. With what I read, you use both sides, which give the System a shallow and irritating feel to it. And lastly, (this is really minor and seldom in your story, but it is a personal pet peeve of mine) you repeat facts, where the repetition is useless and doesn’t help with the story progression, world building or anything else.

    So now coming to the second part, the plot, the first thing I have to say is… your System. Even though a system is a theme and not a bad thing to use at all, it still only gives a very small spectrum of possibilities. So to maximize the potential a System holds, you have to embrace the unique traits you give it, rather than focusing on the general idea of a system (in your story for example the loan, fighting aid or experiment). It could be that you do exactly this in the later parts of the story and only use the first chapters as an introduction, but I can’t judge this (you have to know it yourself).
    The second thing, I want to speak about and that is a really major aspect in creating a realistic reading experience is your starting point of anything. While reading your novel I had the intuition that your string of thoughts when creating your novel started from another novel (or multiple novels). While this can help in the beginning it becomes a huge burden later on. Your starting point for any idea in any novel HAS TO BE the REAL World EVERYTIME (btw this is also the reason, why I personally think good fantasy is the hardest genre to write). That doesn’t mean your novel should always be related to the real world. No, but it should still be relatable for the reader and your reader are (sadly) only from Earth.
    Another thing I have to talk about is the goal or problem your MC has to deal with. I am going to guess there is one in the later chapters (and you only have what they call a “slow start”). You have to make sure the goal/problem the MC has to deal with is always visible and the MC is always struggling to get to a solution. Otherwise it gets easy to lose the tension of the story.
    The last things I will rant about are unreasonable plot developments. For a better understanding of what I mean, let me give you some examples for what I mean with unreasonable plot developments. Those are System rewards, that are way higher than the difficulty of the mission or the huge hospitality found in Slums with no explanation (you need one because again, reality is different) or the Parents caring about the bloody cloths of daneel, but when they know their son is unharmed they don’t care anymore why the fuck he has bloody cloths. Those should either be explained every time or not included at all, because they remind the reader of the irreality of the novel and make it less relatable.

    Over all I still enjoyed myself quite a bit while reading your story and had a really fun time reviewing, so keep up the good work.

        l_ovecraft WOW. That is one in depth review. First of all, thank you for taking out the time to both read and write this review.
        Secondly, that is a lot of information to take in. These are the steps I will be taking after reading this:
        1) Focusing on emotion- I will make sure to somehow add in the emotion I want the reader to feel. Maybe using a spectator's words to express it? I'll research on it, but do also let me know any devices that you think works best. Of course, I feel awkward asking this after you graced me with such an expansive review, so I wouldn't mind even if you don't :D.
        2) Making the system completely technical: The system is only a tool, but it is also more like an AI. All interactions should be uniform, and I will make sure they are so
        3) Overall plot-reading this finally made me figure out the overall plot! THANKS A LOT FOR THAT!(the one hes gonna struggle towards)
        4) Basing it in reality-I totally got you. Ikr, sadly, they are only from earth. ;)
        5) Unique traits-ya the main trait is that it mainly awards EXP for actions which go towards world domination, and ive elaborated and will be focusing on that from chap 20ish
        6) Unreasonable plot developments- i painted a view of something, without giving an explanation :(. I'll make sure I don't do this in the future, and will also go back and fix these when I have the time.
        Overall, I cannot say thank you enough times. What you are doing is really an excellent initiative. Also, please post this or a short version of this as a review on my book. I would be happy with whatever rating you give me.
        Cheers! :D

            KillerHemboy

            I’m glad you liked my review even though I ranted a lot.
            1) The sad thing is I can’t really help you with that. There is no right way to give your story emotions, because writing is art and art has no boundaries. Some people write down their own emotion, others can make you feel like a spectator or some are good at focusing on the human desires and focus on them. Figuring out how you personally can do it or want to do it is a process and no quick step to take. I think a lot of experimenting with different alternatives is a possible option that can help you finding your way of writing (it is not the only one tho).
            2) To elaborate on my review, I wanted to say that I felt like some human emotions are visible in the way your system speaks. While this is ok if you want to go for a AI like thing, you should think about it again when going for a technical device.
            6) Painting a view is not bad itself; just think about the Harmony within the story. For example the “happy Slums” you talked about. I know what you want to say, namely that poor people are most of the time more happy/forgiving/generous than rich people, but the way you described it made the Slums itself feel like a fun place to be in (unless you really wanted to say exactly that the slums area fun place to be, then I am sorry for misunderstanding). Either way it needs more explanation, to paint a clear picture of what you had in mind.

                l_ovecraft but I really liked the last review. It was so detailed. Maybe such a review would have helped me a lot at the beginning. But now I am lost cause with 100 chapters. But yes, I have tried to improve from the reviews and suggestions I get.

                  l_ovecraft Why would you prefer not to? I ask for any and all reviews, even if your review is simply pointing out many flaws, I still want it, just so long as it's not done in a way that makes it sound like you are just trying to diss it, but more like you think that these are mistakes that if I corrected would make it better.;,;.

                      l_ovecraft Got you, thanks again. Ya, I wanted to say that the people in the slums are happy with what they have. even though they are dirt poor. I'll go back and change that. I agree, and because of you, I can get started with that process of finding my style and groove, so I'm really grateful!
                      Your words shall forever accompany me on this journey of mine. If I one day lose my path, they may just be the lantern that lead me back from the darkness.

                          DeJeL

                          What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world. Reading status: chapter 5
                          I didn’t want to do this review, because I really like your poems and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Still when you insist on me doing this… I think I owe you an honest review.

                          Let’s start off with the good things. Your sentences are mostly grammatically correct, one could see that you improved slightly (and when I say slightly I mean slightly) later on and work with an ok idea.
                          Other than that, I can only say throw that shit (at least chapters 1-3, the rest can be saved with a shitload of work) in the garbage bin and write it anew. It is not like your ideas are exceptional bad (not implying that they are good though), but the realization was done so terrible, that every single sentence started to trigger me and over time I just hoped for your characters to stfu. With that being said, I don’t want to become your usual hater, who doesn’t give a reason as to why I dislike your story, but rather offer some constructive criticism, but ohh boy this is going to be a long list.

                          So, first I am going to talk about your mode of writing and later come to the plot.
                          I can’t even say your mode of expression is solid. You use the simplest of sentences and one can be happy that you at least didn’t completely forget to use adjectives. I don’t really know how I can give you advice about that other than: start writing and stop stating facts.
                          Next up is one of your biggest flaws, that makes finding mistakes in your style of writing extremely difficult; your narrative perspective. As the saying goes, everybody starts small. I would highly recommend you to take that saying to heart. You try to fly without having wings jet. You mix past and present tense at a whim, without caring how or why you do it. Furthermore you have the perspectives of 3-4 people in your story, when even professional authors are scared to use more than one perspective. Why exactly did you think you could pull that stunt of? And lastly your characters are and let me quote this one:” narrating themselves in real time” … While maybe (and I am totally not sure if) this could be possible to pull off, when combined with your writing skills it just adds on to the mess, those chapters are. There are four basic narrative perspectives: 1. Third Person Omniscient Narrator; 2. Third Person Objective Narrator; 3. Third Person Selective Narrator, and 4. First Person Narrator. I am guessing you wanted to go for the First Person Narrator, so I would recommend doing a classic First Person, before going into more complex (unique) stuff or changing the narrative perspective.
                          Another thing is, even when you write down how a character’s name is pronounced and you do this with every new character. Furthermore every character is not pronounced how it’s written; people start to don’t care anymore, how they are pronounced, because it’s a hassle.
                          And lastly, just stop with the bullshit that you call “Point of View: Harrold Shew”. It is just annoying and makes it hard to read. Although the idea behind it is a good one, there is a very thin line between it making the novel better and it becoming the most annoying part of the novel and as I said before, you are not ready jet to use something that hard.

                          So now I will come to the plot. First of all, (and I know it gets annoying, but I can’t stress this enough) you have plot developments that are simply too unrealistic. I don’t think you will believe me when I say this, because I told that nearly everyone, but here are some examples of things that triggered me.
                          “[…], I quickly stood to apply the force towards my legs. I don’t see the red light. I hear a city-bus´s horn, so I look.” – Besides the terrible “I this/I that”, how the fuck can one “not see” a red-light when crossing a street? If he ignored it, because he was late, ok I take that. If he was distracted and didn’t see it, ok I take that. But he just “didn’t see the red light”, like come on…
                          “[he meets the god/goddess or angel of the world for the first time]”[…], my name is Seraphine, and I am what you´d likely call either a goddess or an angel.” I immediately ask “Is the bible true?” “ - … Do I even have to comment on this? A person (doesn’t matter who) who just experienced a near death situation and is magically saved by something weird has no better first question than “Is the bible true?”… really?
                          “[after she answers his question about the bible that is btw totally irrelevant for the storyline] I reply “OK, so what now?” “– sigh… Do you really think that if any human when meeting god would be calm enough, feeling safe enough and most of all have the balls to ask “Ok, so what now?” (Btw he also interrupts the god a sentence later).
                          “And though she didn't mean it, it happened. One day they were walking along the road and out of nowhere he just vanished, then directly after that a bullet whizzed right past her. So thinking he might have gotten shot by a gun with a silencer on it, she looked down, then behind her, but nothing. She started to panic and search for him. Then she remembered, "Oh! I can just call him." – Just remember… A FN BULLET WHIZZED RIGHT PAST HER!!! She is totally calm and not caring about who shot the bullet or if maybe her life is in danger and looks around?!? And as if nothing happened tried to call him? I mean am I weird for finding that bullshit?
                          I could name hundreds of more examples, but I think you get the point.

                          The second thing is your characters plot armour. Although I am not even sure if you can call it armour, when it doesn’t even protect him from something. It is more like literally anything goes in his favour. Not talking about bad things happening to the MC, not even a single neutral thing happens in this novel. A goddess kisses his ass, when he get to the new world he lands in the castle of the king the first person that he meets recognizes him as the son of the king, his girlfriend is magical genius and they are happy together since chapter one, and obviously they come to the world with a age under 18 so the blessing everybody gets when they turn 18 also applies to them (btw I could bet he gets some kind of stupid void magic that only 2% of the population has and while getting magic stuff as blessing is nearly unheard of). Furthermore I can tell you by now, that if a hero named Judas doesn’t kill the king or his girlfriend I would be a bit irritated, because using such a prejudiced name without playing with the prejudice is just a case of bad naming.
                          Thirdly, a normal transmigration story has the MC usually at least struggling to get to know this new world or has to deal with poor circumstances etc. There is literally no direction of this novel, and even if u say it is slice of life or romance (romance would be weird on second thought, because they are happily together since chapter one) they still have at least a direction to go and don’t just aimlessly describe peoples life.

                          The 4. Point I have to talk about is the paste of your story development. You rush the plot within the first chapters so hard, that even Usain Bolt can’t keep up with you. The Plot that you fitted in 2 or 3 chapters can easily be done in double that amount.
                          5. Your Plot is predictable as fuck. While this is no bad aspect if you are going for slice of life/romance, it is also no strong point.
                          6. Why exactly did you describe his daily life on earth to that extend, if the MC´s biggest wish (another bs aspect) is to transmigrate to another world with his girlfriend? It has literally no meaning for the Development of the story and the MC doesn’t even think back to his time on earth and lives happy in the new world, even though he loved his family that much (ohh look it’s another bs thing). You even tried to indicate a plot twist about plot that is spoilered through the synopsis… Like why?
                          And lastly, I mean who am I to judge people, but just keep in mind that if you are writing a Incest romance where the MC wants to f his cousin (furthermore his little, 6 YEAR OLD SISTER, is romantically in love with him… ) that this is a major turn-off for the majority of the people out there.
                          Over all, yeah… I was pretty hopeful till the middle of chapter one and lets just not talk about what happened after.

                              l_ovecraft If you had ended after your second paragraph, I would have been upset, but with everything you gave me, I thank you very much.;,;.
                              I do though have a few replies (i give these with every review).
                              I do not plan to edit the plot in any way, however, I will take the rest of your criticism to heart.;,;.

                              l_ovecraft start writing and stop stating facts.

                              I think I understand, but the easiest way for you to help me with a complete understanding is to simply show me one place where I can do this and how you'd word things to go with what you said if it is something that easy, if not then show me a novel that 'writes' much better than I do (Just one please) and if possible, one that 'states facts' more than it should (and tell me if it does it more or less than I).

                              l_ovecraft You mix past and present tense at a whim

                              I admit, this is a struggle for me, in chapter one I wanted it to be present tense, but after that it should all be past tense (there are plot reasons for this) but I badly need an editor due to my lack of being able to notice if I have things in the wrong tense.

                              l_ovecraft Point of View: Harrold Shew

                              I plan to change this, though I don't plan to get rid of this, it will seem more as a part of the story rather than just a side comment.

                              l_ovecraft how the fuck can one “not see” a red-light when crossing a street?

                              I notice that I should have worded this better... It's not that he didn't see, but that he didn't notice. I will change this shortly.

                              l_ovecraft A person (doesn’t matter who) who just experienced a near death situation and is magically saved by something weird has no better first question than “Is the bible true?”… really?

                              It was oh a whim, like that entire scene, you continue later about that scene more. The best explanation I can give for that scene is impulsive to the max, that will happen again through the story, and he will only ever think about the consequences to his actions when negative things happen to him or some chapters later.

                              l_ovecraft I mean am I weird for finding that bullshit?

                              Nope, not at all. I mean, I even doubt that she is sane, but that is how she reacted... Sometimes love acts strangely... I mean an event like this happened to a friend of mine (not exactly but quite similar) and she reacted in about the same way as his mother... to this day I still doubt my friend's sanity.;,;.

                              l_ovecraft The second thing is your characters plot armour.

                              For this paragraph; I fully understand where you are coming from... the entire first book is going to be like this, however, the second will be the exact opposite (I know that this is not stable as far as plot goes, but I don't want stability, I want chaos.;,;.) Also, I can't say whether you are right as far as Judas goes due to spoilers, but I will say his name does have some weight just like most of my characters with Japanese sounding names.;,;.

                              l_ovecraft Thirdly, a normal transmigration story has the MC usually at least struggling to get to know this new world or has to deal with poor circumstances etc.

                              True, but this is not a normal transmigration by any means, you've clearly seen this in everything else you've said... It's a completely original thing while at the same time being made of only borrowed aspects while putting an MC almost identical to the Author into the story.;,;.

                              l_ovecraft You rush the plot within the first chapters so hard, that even Usain Bolt can’t keep up with you.

                              I apologize, you are right here, I even noticed this, I just didn't know how to fix this while not making things seem like the story isn't moving at all. and now that I am much further in the story, I don't plan to change this.

                              l_ovecraft Your Plot is predictable as fuck.

                              Okay, so you can accurately predict at least 50% of what's going to happen at least three paragraphs before it happens right? if so then please tell me what will happen at the beginning of chapter 6 without reading it... now if you meant something more along the lines of stereotypical, I'd then ask how so?

                              l_ovecraft It has literally no meaning for the Development of the story and the MC doesn’t even think back to his time on earth and lives happy in the new world, even though he loved his family that much (ohh look it’s another bs thing).

                              It DOES have meaning for the development of the story, it helps to why he was so impulsive in the instance of getting the chance to travel to a new world.

                              l_ovecraft And lastly, I mean who am I to judge people, but just keep in mind that if you are writing a Incest romance where the MC wants to f his cousin (furthermore his little, 6 YEAR OLD SISTER, is romantically in love with him… ) that this is a major turn-off for the majority of the people out there.

                              You'd be surprised... to be honest, the aspect of him loving his cousin comes from me, however, IRL there is no mutual love in that nor do I ever plan to act on my feelings... also, why do you assume that Romantic love means Sexual Attraction automatically? I never said anything about sexual attraction, and I always separate those things. I am Heterosexual yet Asexual.

                              l_ovecraft You even tried to indicate a plot twist about plot that is spoilered through the synopsis… Like why?

                              Could you please explain this better?

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