l_ovecraft but I really liked the last review. It was so detailed. Maybe such a review would have helped me a lot at the beginning. But now I am lost cause with 100 chapters. But yes, I have tried to improve from the reviews and suggestions I get.

    l_ovecraft Why would you prefer not to? I ask for any and all reviews, even if your review is simply pointing out many flaws, I still want it, just so long as it's not done in a way that makes it sound like you are just trying to diss it, but more like you think that these are mistakes that if I corrected would make it better.;,;.

        l_ovecraft Got you, thanks again. Ya, I wanted to say that the people in the slums are happy with what they have. even though they are dirt poor. I'll go back and change that. I agree, and because of you, I can get started with that process of finding my style and groove, so I'm really grateful!
        Your words shall forever accompany me on this journey of mine. If I one day lose my path, they may just be the lantern that lead me back from the darkness.

            DeJeL

            What in this world! Oh... Wait a minute. It's another world. Reading status: chapter 5
            I didn’t want to do this review, because I really like your poems and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Still when you insist on me doing this… I think I owe you an honest review.

            Let’s start off with the good things. Your sentences are mostly grammatically correct, one could see that you improved slightly (and when I say slightly I mean slightly) later on and work with an ok idea.
            Other than that, I can only say throw that shit (at least chapters 1-3, the rest can be saved with a shitload of work) in the garbage bin and write it anew. It is not like your ideas are exceptional bad (not implying that they are good though), but the realization was done so terrible, that every single sentence started to trigger me and over time I just hoped for your characters to stfu. With that being said, I don’t want to become your usual hater, who doesn’t give a reason as to why I dislike your story, but rather offer some constructive criticism, but ohh boy this is going to be a long list.

            So, first I am going to talk about your mode of writing and later come to the plot.
            I can’t even say your mode of expression is solid. You use the simplest of sentences and one can be happy that you at least didn’t completely forget to use adjectives. I don’t really know how I can give you advice about that other than: start writing and stop stating facts.
            Next up is one of your biggest flaws, that makes finding mistakes in your style of writing extremely difficult; your narrative perspective. As the saying goes, everybody starts small. I would highly recommend you to take that saying to heart. You try to fly without having wings jet. You mix past and present tense at a whim, without caring how or why you do it. Furthermore you have the perspectives of 3-4 people in your story, when even professional authors are scared to use more than one perspective. Why exactly did you think you could pull that stunt of? And lastly your characters are and let me quote this one:” narrating themselves in real time” … While maybe (and I am totally not sure if) this could be possible to pull off, when combined with your writing skills it just adds on to the mess, those chapters are. There are four basic narrative perspectives: 1. Third Person Omniscient Narrator; 2. Third Person Objective Narrator; 3. Third Person Selective Narrator, and 4. First Person Narrator. I am guessing you wanted to go for the First Person Narrator, so I would recommend doing a classic First Person, before going into more complex (unique) stuff or changing the narrative perspective.
            Another thing is, even when you write down how a character’s name is pronounced and you do this with every new character. Furthermore every character is not pronounced how it’s written; people start to don’t care anymore, how they are pronounced, because it’s a hassle.
            And lastly, just stop with the bullshit that you call “Point of View: Harrold Shew”. It is just annoying and makes it hard to read. Although the idea behind it is a good one, there is a very thin line between it making the novel better and it becoming the most annoying part of the novel and as I said before, you are not ready jet to use something that hard.

            So now I will come to the plot. First of all, (and I know it gets annoying, but I can’t stress this enough) you have plot developments that are simply too unrealistic. I don’t think you will believe me when I say this, because I told that nearly everyone, but here are some examples of things that triggered me.
            “[…], I quickly stood to apply the force towards my legs. I don’t see the red light. I hear a city-bus´s horn, so I look.” – Besides the terrible “I this/I that”, how the fuck can one “not see” a red-light when crossing a street? If he ignored it, because he was late, ok I take that. If he was distracted and didn’t see it, ok I take that. But he just “didn’t see the red light”, like come on…
            “[he meets the god/goddess or angel of the world for the first time]”[…], my name is Seraphine, and I am what you´d likely call either a goddess or an angel.” I immediately ask “Is the bible true?” “ - … Do I even have to comment on this? A person (doesn’t matter who) who just experienced a near death situation and is magically saved by something weird has no better first question than “Is the bible true?”… really?
            “[after she answers his question about the bible that is btw totally irrelevant for the storyline] I reply “OK, so what now?” “– sigh… Do you really think that if any human when meeting god would be calm enough, feeling safe enough and most of all have the balls to ask “Ok, so what now?” (Btw he also interrupts the god a sentence later).
            “And though she didn't mean it, it happened. One day they were walking along the road and out of nowhere he just vanished, then directly after that a bullet whizzed right past her. So thinking he might have gotten shot by a gun with a silencer on it, she looked down, then behind her, but nothing. She started to panic and search for him. Then she remembered, "Oh! I can just call him." – Just remember… A FN BULLET WHIZZED RIGHT PAST HER!!! She is totally calm and not caring about who shot the bullet or if maybe her life is in danger and looks around?!? And as if nothing happened tried to call him? I mean am I weird for finding that bullshit?
            I could name hundreds of more examples, but I think you get the point.

            The second thing is your characters plot armour. Although I am not even sure if you can call it armour, when it doesn’t even protect him from something. It is more like literally anything goes in his favour. Not talking about bad things happening to the MC, not even a single neutral thing happens in this novel. A goddess kisses his ass, when he get to the new world he lands in the castle of the king the first person that he meets recognizes him as the son of the king, his girlfriend is magical genius and they are happy together since chapter one, and obviously they come to the world with a age under 18 so the blessing everybody gets when they turn 18 also applies to them (btw I could bet he gets some kind of stupid void magic that only 2% of the population has and while getting magic stuff as blessing is nearly unheard of). Furthermore I can tell you by now, that if a hero named Judas doesn’t kill the king or his girlfriend I would be a bit irritated, because using such a prejudiced name without playing with the prejudice is just a case of bad naming.
            Thirdly, a normal transmigration story has the MC usually at least struggling to get to know this new world or has to deal with poor circumstances etc. There is literally no direction of this novel, and even if u say it is slice of life or romance (romance would be weird on second thought, because they are happily together since chapter one) they still have at least a direction to go and don’t just aimlessly describe peoples life.

            The 4. Point I have to talk about is the paste of your story development. You rush the plot within the first chapters so hard, that even Usain Bolt can’t keep up with you. The Plot that you fitted in 2 or 3 chapters can easily be done in double that amount.
            5. Your Plot is predictable as fuck. While this is no bad aspect if you are going for slice of life/romance, it is also no strong point.
            6. Why exactly did you describe his daily life on earth to that extend, if the MC´s biggest wish (another bs aspect) is to transmigrate to another world with his girlfriend? It has literally no meaning for the Development of the story and the MC doesn’t even think back to his time on earth and lives happy in the new world, even though he loved his family that much (ohh look it’s another bs thing). You even tried to indicate a plot twist about plot that is spoilered through the synopsis… Like why?
            And lastly, I mean who am I to judge people, but just keep in mind that if you are writing a Incest romance where the MC wants to f his cousin (furthermore his little, 6 YEAR OLD SISTER, is romantically in love with him… ) that this is a major turn-off for the majority of the people out there.
            Over all, yeah… I was pretty hopeful till the middle of chapter one and lets just not talk about what happened after.

                l_ovecraft If you had ended after your second paragraph, I would have been upset, but with everything you gave me, I thank you very much.;,;.
                I do though have a few replies (i give these with every review).
                I do not plan to edit the plot in any way, however, I will take the rest of your criticism to heart.;,;.

                l_ovecraft start writing and stop stating facts.

                I think I understand, but the easiest way for you to help me with a complete understanding is to simply show me one place where I can do this and how you'd word things to go with what you said if it is something that easy, if not then show me a novel that 'writes' much better than I do (Just one please) and if possible, one that 'states facts' more than it should (and tell me if it does it more or less than I).

                l_ovecraft You mix past and present tense at a whim

                I admit, this is a struggle for me, in chapter one I wanted it to be present tense, but after that it should all be past tense (there are plot reasons for this) but I badly need an editor due to my lack of being able to notice if I have things in the wrong tense.

                l_ovecraft Point of View: Harrold Shew

                I plan to change this, though I don't plan to get rid of this, it will seem more as a part of the story rather than just a side comment.

                l_ovecraft how the fuck can one “not see” a red-light when crossing a street?

                I notice that I should have worded this better... It's not that he didn't see, but that he didn't notice. I will change this shortly.

                l_ovecraft A person (doesn’t matter who) who just experienced a near death situation and is magically saved by something weird has no better first question than “Is the bible true?”… really?

                It was oh a whim, like that entire scene, you continue later about that scene more. The best explanation I can give for that scene is impulsive to the max, that will happen again through the story, and he will only ever think about the consequences to his actions when negative things happen to him or some chapters later.

                l_ovecraft I mean am I weird for finding that bullshit?

                Nope, not at all. I mean, I even doubt that she is sane, but that is how she reacted... Sometimes love acts strangely... I mean an event like this happened to a friend of mine (not exactly but quite similar) and she reacted in about the same way as his mother... to this day I still doubt my friend's sanity.;,;.

                l_ovecraft The second thing is your characters plot armour.

                For this paragraph; I fully understand where you are coming from... the entire first book is going to be like this, however, the second will be the exact opposite (I know that this is not stable as far as plot goes, but I don't want stability, I want chaos.;,;.) Also, I can't say whether you are right as far as Judas goes due to spoilers, but I will say his name does have some weight just like most of my characters with Japanese sounding names.;,;.

                l_ovecraft Thirdly, a normal transmigration story has the MC usually at least struggling to get to know this new world or has to deal with poor circumstances etc.

                True, but this is not a normal transmigration by any means, you've clearly seen this in everything else you've said... It's a completely original thing while at the same time being made of only borrowed aspects while putting an MC almost identical to the Author into the story.;,;.

                l_ovecraft You rush the plot within the first chapters so hard, that even Usain Bolt can’t keep up with you.

                I apologize, you are right here, I even noticed this, I just didn't know how to fix this while not making things seem like the story isn't moving at all. and now that I am much further in the story, I don't plan to change this.

                l_ovecraft Your Plot is predictable as fuck.

                Okay, so you can accurately predict at least 50% of what's going to happen at least three paragraphs before it happens right? if so then please tell me what will happen at the beginning of chapter 6 without reading it... now if you meant something more along the lines of stereotypical, I'd then ask how so?

                l_ovecraft It has literally no meaning for the Development of the story and the MC doesn’t even think back to his time on earth and lives happy in the new world, even though he loved his family that much (ohh look it’s another bs thing).

                It DOES have meaning for the development of the story, it helps to why he was so impulsive in the instance of getting the chance to travel to a new world.

                l_ovecraft And lastly, I mean who am I to judge people, but just keep in mind that if you are writing a Incest romance where the MC wants to f his cousin (furthermore his little, 6 YEAR OLD SISTER, is romantically in love with him… ) that this is a major turn-off for the majority of the people out there.

                You'd be surprised... to be honest, the aspect of him loving his cousin comes from me, however, IRL there is no mutual love in that nor do I ever plan to act on my feelings... also, why do you assume that Romantic love means Sexual Attraction automatically? I never said anything about sexual attraction, and I always separate those things. I am Heterosexual yet Asexual.

                l_ovecraft You even tried to indicate a plot twist about plot that is spoilered through the synopsis… Like why?

                Could you please explain this better?

                                              DeJeL

                                              Ok so I am going to number every time you quoted me.
                                              1. Ok so a book that doesn’t do it is basically every book you can find in your local bookstore, but to be more precise I am going to rephrase the example of: “[…], I quickly stood to apply the force towards my legs. I don’t see the red light. I hear a city-bus´s horn, so I look.” Into a way I would consider writing.
                                              “To increase the speed of the bike, I quickly stood so more force could be directed towards my legs. In my hurry, I didn’t notice the traffic lights of the crossroad ahead turning from green to red. A city-bus´s horn was roaring somewhere besides me. My attention instantly focused back on the traffic around me. I turned my head to look into the direction, I heard the noise from. What was in front of my eyes was so unexpected that my mind went blank. A hole or crack in space, almost looking like a rift to another world was zooming in my direction with the speed of a car. The next moment my surroundings started to turn black.”

                                              2./3./4. If you know your mistakes and work on them, then that is the right step to improvement.

                                              5./6. I mean what you say sounds like a nice and unique idea, but then you should be aware that while reading it don’t come across like that.

                                              7./8./9. I mean in the end it is your story, and you can create whatever you want. Just keep in mind that the first arc/chapters are the most important part in the decision making of your readers, whether they continue reading your story or not, so getting them hooked on your novel is important here.
                                              10. Chapter six has either two possibilities that I would guess. First some emotional bs, when ppl are (and I would hope that she herself is also) confronted with honeys death. Then the ceremony goes on and at some point the MC starts a ruckus trying to find a void mage. Now there are two ways you can go 1.let magically a void mage appear, what would fall exactly within the category of unrealistic plot development (under the assumption you don’t give the readers further explanation as to why)and safe honey, what makes the guard extremely grateful to the MC and becoming totally loyal. 2. Don’t find a void mage and let Honey die, which results in a character development for the MC, his gf and the guard.

                                              1. If it actually has I would recommend on further explaining that in the novel.

                                              2. Why do you assume that I mean sexual attraction when saying romantic love?

                                              3. You don’t have to over dramatize the transmigration before it even happened, if it is no plot twist or has no meaning for the later parts of the story.

                                              Be aware that I wont answer any further (no offense), just because I dont want to start a discussion.

                                                  l_ovecraft Why do you assume that I mean sexual attraction when saying romantic love?

                                                  l_ovecraft MC wants to f his cousin

                                                  f=Fuck to me, and Fuck=Have sex with, so that statement alone makes me think such. And I never mentioned Sex with exception of maybe mentioning that they are both virgins (if I ever even mentioned that).

                                                        DeJeL

                                                        ohh you mean what I said about the cousin (I though sister lol), but bruh this is a classic hyperbole…

                                                            TheAdventurer

                                                            Assassination System: reading status: chapter 10
                                                            Woah now this was a change. This is the top 25 original novel and what can I say it definitely deserves the spot. It is your typical system novel with a quality only slightly below that of Webnovels contracted works. On the other side this makes pointing out general flaws pretty hard for me, because they are more in the detail. Following that, I know this review is not going to help the author improve as much, as it could help others (or at least I hope my reviews did lol). Because of that, I would offer the author the service of going over around 4 specific chapters and edit/comment them, so I can actually help him. If you are interested in that contact me personally on the discord channel please.

                                                            With that out of the way let’s get started with my review. The good points of this novel are the writing style, which is starting to make readers actually feel the story that is told a bit. Plot wise, there is a well-done problem and direction given to the MC, the character of your novel are a bit more than only shallow extras to the plot, and the world building can compare with your average cultivation world.

                                                            On the negative side of things I can say that you are very inconsistent. Some parts are done extremely well and others are not exactly bad, but not good either.
                                                            First of your writing style is mostly beyond just the fundamentals, but you still have a problem of expressing exactly and clear what you mean at some times. Many times your mode of expression only gives a shrouded idea of what you mean to your readers.
                                                            Negative things within the plot aspect are first of all your characters. Although they are more than only slaves to the plot, their character can still be done more through-out and in-depth.

                                                            Secondly the clichés are also strong in your novel. Although they don’t dictate it, they are still not given an overly unique twist.
                                                            Thirdly the Plot armour is strong in your novel. The System is extremely overpowered since the beginning, with a way to scary potential to grow. Even though everybody likes overpowered Characters, which go through life at ease, there is a border that limits the fun factor of reading a novel. And I am sorry to break it to you, but you are near that border. To give you an example for this:
                                                            “ [MC being deadly wounded and has only 5 more minutes before he dies, I think] Focusing his gaze, Dan scanned the area around him, particularly near the tree roots, and there, a tree about five meters away from him, a Blood Coagulating Grass [Medicine that can make him survive] calmly swayed along with the air.” – At least don’t make it five meters come on…
                                                            And lastly although your novel is realistic enough, for readers to get absorbed in it, you still have some minor paradoxes within. Examples for this are the way he handles his wound, a crossbow arrow that can nearly behead someone, the reason why he stepped into that forest that night in the first place (btw if you say analysing the plants, I am going to ask myself, how he knew exactly what plants that can help him survive are growing in that forest) or that he knows exactly what to order at a food stall he never been before.

                                                            Over all this is a solidly good read for people searching for a System novel.

                                                                l_ovecraft I really love this forum thread! Your reviews are very thorough and helpful. It gets my heart racing just thinking about being the author of the book you review. I am following this one because it is so helpful.

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