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Yuukiko You should place a link to your novel. I mean people including me are too lazy to go and search up your novel by name.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/11945239706641305
Oops sorry...... Here is the link.....Please look into it and thanks :)

Your first paragraph of your story scares me. It looks like one long unbroken chain of text. It's especially daunting, and I would have to consciously force myself to read it.

Words are connected together to form a sentence. Sentences help shows thoughts. When you group up these thoughts together, you have an idea. Paragraphs are the grouping of these such related sentences, grouping these thoughts into a central ideas, a single focus. Whenever these ideas, the central focus, change, you might want to put in a paragraph break to show the shift in the focus of each central idea.

Lets take a look at your beginning paragraph, broken down:

"Seetha honey, wake up!! Its time for college!! Honey, if you don't wake up you are gonna be late and don't forget that this is your first day." Said her mom from downstairs.

<<This part here focuses on the mother. Since you're shifting the focus from the mother to the Seetha now, it's a good idea to split the paragraph here>>

Sound of yawning was heard and then the girl finally woke up from her slumber. Her room was decorated in an normal yet in an stylish way. She had her room decorated with some plants by her bedside window and had some beautiful wall hangings hung on the wall. Her bed looked warm and soft, it had two pillows on it. The warm sunlight came through the window beside her bed and woke her up instantly with a great and warm feeling.

<<This part here focuses on the description of her room, so the paragraph can be split here too.>>

After waking up she stretched a bit which blew her sleepiness away. After getting down from her bed she went out of the room and climbed down the stairs and saw her mom who was preparing the table with the breakfast and was calling down her husband, her two sons and her in-laws.

<<Here's another good stopping point, the grouping of the action after waking up.>>

Yes, their family was big which consists of eight people her father, mother, her twin younger brothers, her grand mother, her grand father, her aunt and her. Her aunt is an differently abled person. So she didn't get married instead she raised her younger brother's children as her own and loved them like a mother. She is like a financier of the family, even though she wanted to relay on someone's help to move around, without her, the family would be a mess.

<<good stopping point here. We're done talking about the family background, and is about to describe the daily habits of this family>>

Like everyday, Seetha greeted her family then rushed to the bathroom to finish her morning duties before having breakfast. At the same time the brothers also rushed as they also just woke up. After a mini battle between the siblings, the victorious one got to the bathroom first and came out. At that time the other two will have no choice but to wait until that person finishes.

You see how you can split up your immense, scary looking paragraph into a few smaller—and less intimidating—paragraphs?

Another point I want to point out is... you have lots of "and then" moments.

Like, it follows this structure:

This happen, [and then] this happened. [and then] this happens next. [and then] she does this. [and then] this came up. [and then] this happened.

There's very little emotional feel about this. Things are happening in a sequential order, with no depiction of what anyone would feel or sense. Nothing to describe much about the main character, the little nuances of emotions throughout the way. Nothing about how she feels, nothing about her motives, nothing really about who she is as a person. She's really... flat, and this reads like, how I mentioned to someone else before, a computer log. It's read like an outline. There's no depth to it, and it's very "touch and go" to sum up things that are happening only.

Here, let me add it in so you can see what I mean:

[And then] As she was on her way, she met her friend, Sruthi. [And] Then she told her about the pendent. After hearing to the story, her friend also accompanied her. [And then] As they reached the police station they could see a few officers were running around busily. [And then] They both heard one officer mention that some serial killer that they caught had escaped and they were all searching for him. [And then] As the girls heard this they both got a gist of what was happening, as they walked towards the entrance. [And then] One officer noticed these two girls and went to them and asked them, "Hey kids, this is clearly not a place for kids. Now tell me why are you here?" The officer looked like he was in his forties. His tone was nonchalant and treated these girls like some random kids. [And] Then Seetha spoke gently in an respectful manner, "Hello officer! A very good morning to you! I am here to report a case regarding lost and found. Could you please guide me as to how I should file a complaint?"

Additionally why would she file for a complaint when she is there to do a lost-and-found report? A complaint is filed when something unsatisfactory/unacceptable occurs, and you're going through the motion of appealing it to someone (usually of a higher authority) to address this source of concern. That doesn't make sense here. You're trying to establish her as a "good and upright citizen" by "picking up the pendant and sending it to the police station", but upon arrival there, she wants to file a complaint... and the only reason we could surmise is... due to his... nonchalant tone? This just doesn't make sense. Your character isn't striking enough. She's not memorable, nothing about her says, "Look at me, I'm interesting!" She's just not someone I can sympathize with. I just can't seem to bring myself to care enough about her to read past these few lines.

The final straw, though, would be these two lines:

Mother: "...if you don't wake up you are gonna be late..."

Seetha: "...Maybe I should go and report it in a police station as missing or under lost items, coz this looks very valuable."

I guess it may just be in the way their family talks, but . . . I'm not sure I can express how I feel about that. Yeah. I'll just move on.

Thank you very much for your pointers. I have never written anything before, this is my very first work. I will try to rectify my errors.

But there is one thing I don't understand....the things you pointed about [And Then] moments. Could you please explain what you meant by that as I can't seem to understand it?

Sorry for troubling you and thanks for your patience.

Yuukiko

When I refer to [and then] moments, I'm referring to moments that are objectively thrown together, listed orderly.

Sort of like how I described earlier: "and then this happen. And then this happened next. And then this happened...".

Let me put it this way: If you were hire a private investigator to investigate the trail of ... idk, a cheating girlfriend, it might go something along the lines of this:

• She woke up around noon and had some apple juice with scrambled eggs.
• She dressed up in a red dress, and spent an hour on makeup + fixing her hair.
• After she was finished, she sat and loitered around in the main living room, playing on her phone until 4 pm.
• At 4 pm, she headed out of the house.
• On the way, she met up with a friend, Sruthi.
• They went to a local coffee shop and talked for a good few hours. After that, her friend left.
• At 8 pm, a guy dropped by and she left with him.
• They went downtown to the clubs.
• etc.

Your story reads almost like that. Very objective and ... down to the point. You're telling us what happens instead of showing it to us. Lets look at that paragraph I pointed out earlier again:

• As she was on her way, she met her friend, Sruthi.
• Then she told her about the pendent.
• After hearing to the story, her friend also accompanied her.
• As they reached the police station they could see a few officers were running around busily.
• They both heard one officer mention that some serial killer that they caught had escaped and they were all searching for him.
• As the girls heard this they both got a gist of what was happening, as they walked towards the entrance.
• One officer noticed these two girls and went to them and asked them, "Hey kids, this is clearly not a place for kids. Now tell me why are you here?"
• The officer looked like he was in his forties. His tone was nonchalant and treated these girls like some random kids.
• Then Seetha spoke gently in an respectful manner, "Hello officer! A very good morning to you! I am here to report a case regarding lost and found. Could you please guide me as to how I should file a complaint?"

Do you see how well it is listed out? It's almost like a log of her day. What you're trying to write is a story, not a compendium of her journey

Here, let me give you an excerpt from The Name of the Wind. In the following paragraph, the main character—Kote—is about to perform a series of action, just like how your character did to go to the police station. Check it out:

Looking down, Kote sighed without knowing it and went back inside. He locked the door and shuttered the wide windows of the inn, as if to distance himself from the stars and all their varied names.

He swept the floor methodically, catching all the corners. He washed the tables and the bar, moving with a patient efficiency. At the end of an hour’s work, the water in his bucket was still clean enough for a lady to wash her hands in.

Finally, he pulled a stool behind the bar and began to polish the vast array of bottles nestled between the two huge barrels. He wasn’t nearly as crisp and efficient about this chore as he had been with the others, and it soon became obvious the polishing was only an excuse to touch and hold. He even hummed a little, although he did not realize it, and would have stopped himself if he had known.

As he turned the bottles in his long, graceful hands the familiar motion eased a few tired lines from his face, making him seem younger, certainly not yet thirty. Not even near thirty. Young for an innkeeper. Young for a man with so many tired lines remaining on his face.

If we're to sum it up in the style of how you've been doing things, this paragraph before now becomes something like:

Kote went back inside. He locked the door and shuttered all the windows.
After that, he swept the floor methodically and washed all the tables and the bars.
Finally, he pulled a stool behind the bars and polished the bottles between the two barrels while humming.

Besides the simplicity that your paragraph offers, do you see how you can add in more details to a situation? Does this make a bit more sense?

Yes now I can understand clearly. I have been making some alterations as per the pointers. Could you please look into it and let me know if there is more room for improvement?

Thanks and sorry for the trouble.