Writing pretty much the same here as in the other review swap thread. Thanks all wonderful reviewers. I believe I've been able to mitigate the confusing mess that is the beginning of my story. If so it's all thanks to the superb input you've given me.

    StenDuring I'd like to ask, where am I going wrong with the tenses? Every time I think I got it right, you point it out that I'm still messing up. A little help, please? :)

        Nightmare_Taichou Let's have a look at this construct from chapter 7: 'But, it turns out, the First Prince was actually the nicer one of the two.'

        The simple reaction would be that if you're writing in past tense then 'it turns out' is wrong, but that's too simple an answer.

        You're writing (at least that chapter) in third person omniscient point of view, so the head hopping isn't a problem. Now TP omni lends itself to narrator comments about the events, and those comments can be done in present tense.

        So: 'There is a danger in trusting first impressions, and it turned out the First Prince was actually the nicer one of the two.' No problem. You're allowed to do that.

        However, your exact wording doesn't carry the implied meaning that the narrator is adressing the reader directly rather than the line just being part of the narration, and if it IS part of the narration, then you should stick to one tense.

        Did that make any sense?

            StenDuring Thank you! I think I get what you're trying to say. In the context of this "it turns out" was present tense and I write in past tense. I think I get it...

                Nightmare_Taichou Aight.

                But when you're breaking the fourth wall you can swap to present tense. It goes something like this:

                'Now anyone watching old movies knows that Johanna was a striking beauty well before she became famous, but that evening when she walked through Nicholas' door lay even further back in time -- when she was still a skinny girl, all bones and shivering limbs. So Nicholas hardly noticed her; he only had eyes for the dark beauty by her side.'

                The above could be part of a scene with Nicholas holding the PoV, given that you're writing in TP omni. If you're using TP limited I believe constructions like this should be used extremely sparingly since you're effectively going into God mode telling the reader things that Nicholas couldn't humanly have known at the time of the scene.

                  a month later

                  bacon_bacon Sure! I can do a review swap with you as well. It might be a bit because I'm in the middle of writing two novels and being a full-time worker/Mom gives me very little time to do anything else. I'll let you know once I've gone through your novel.

                      Anyone open for a swap?

                      I have a BL historical fiction, slice of life, I'm hoping for perspective.

                      Title: To My Sunflower
                      Genre: Historical Fiction
                      Tags: BL - LBGT - Pacificwar - Japan - 1945

                      WW2 Japan told from two angles. I think the closet style to compare is like In This Corner of the World.

                      • Hinata was waiting for his lover to return from war and receives the news of his death. This perspective tells of his village life in the countryside and the slow reveal of discrimination and hardships of Japan's civilians.

                      • Eiji is a soldier fighting the war from his home front. Iwo Jima was meant to be his last tour, but he fell injured in a banzai charge and was classified as dead. He recovered with the aid of an American lieutenant who escorts him back into his own country for espionage work. Eiji is doing what he can to return to Hinata.

                      My poor flower is wiltering. :cry: Jokes aside. Really appreciate it.

                      Cheers.

                        9 days later

                        Copy_Paste_Ninja Sorry took a while. I've been super busy with too many things. Just finished your review. Your novel is interesting. I enjoyed reading it.

                            8 months later
                            3 years later
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