Since @Good_Light_Sleep did a review and he's yet to receive his back within the hour, I'll throw one out for you. But except I don't put reviews on the books. I post reviews on the forums, so do forgive me for that.
Before I start, let me preface with this: I have a lot of nothing to say, and don't take offense to this. I'm trying to be as informative and objective as I can, and it's not meant to say "you suck", but "here's area you can improve on". Please don't get discourage. If you do, I might as well just leave a one-two line review, saying "XXX sucks. YYY was good. 5/10, would look for another series." Instead, I'm typing this out so you can look on and reflect.
Alright. Here goes nothing. Again, don't get discourage.
The Damn Hunter
Lets start off analyzing the word Damn
. Damn is a verb. It could be used with or without an object. With an object, it is used like this:
I would like to damn him to hell.
It would mean "to ruin, or to condemn" when used that way. However, if you use it without an object, it would be like swearing.
Similarly to the non-transitive (no-object) version, it could also be used as in interjection, like the word "Oww!" when stepping down on a rusty nail. "Damn!"
However, the issue here is that you're using the word "damn"—a verb and/or interjection—as a noun. The Damn Hunter. No no. For the noun counterpart, it should be:
The Damned
Then we run into the problem of when you say "The Damned Hunter". It could be that "damned" is used as an adjective that way, describing the hunter. And "Hunter of the Damned" seems to be a bit different.
But yes, that word "Damn" really threw me off. It might not for others. Different strokes for different folks.
Now, lets move on to your synopsis. It's one huge long run on. We have punctuations! Use them! They'll display different effects depending on how they're used... don't be afraid to section off your synopsis! Try reading all this in one breath, pausing only at commas and periods.
Yang Guang is the last hunter protecting his city from The Damn,
**<pause, deep breath, continue:>**
creatures from another universe aiming to harm humans to strengthen
themselves but the damn are not the only problems that Yang Guang
need to face as he ventures beyond the small city into the world and
discover a secret that should not be reveal for another two thousand years.
Split it up! Run-ons aren't fun to follow, and they lose the reader's attention.
But so far? The story looks like it has potential. Lets flip to chapter 1 now!
In chapter 1, I'm greeted with a Shriek!
. Alright! Jumping straight to an action! Or so I hoped. The next sentence shattered my expectation:
A sound so high pitch that it is impossible to be produced by any normal creature
can be heard in the streets of Song City at the middle of the night.
It's written in a very passive voice. Could be. It makes me feel like I'm now distanced away from whatever is happening here. It's too passive. Why not make it more active? Involve the reader in right away? Show that something is going on?
The deathly screech reverberates throughout the streets of Song City *in* the middle of the night.
(Here, the high pitch sound is ACTIVELY doing something: reverberating in the air)
A few windows shook and rattled. Wait... rattled? The screech was too high
in pitch! There's no way that could have been produced by any normal creature!
See? See how it's a bit more active compared to how you had it before? Now, with that taken care of, we entered into a fight scene: bat vs boy. To be honest, the fight seemed very... bland and dull. Maybe it's because I'm always reading "The boy" and "the giant bat". Here, take a look at this picture, with me highlighting all instances of the word "the". Notice, most of your next few sentences starts with them.
See what's going on here? Now, I'm a big fan of using past-tense narrative in my stories, because that's what I grew up with, so I'll be using it here. Let me do another small rewrite:
A dark lump of mass darted out from the alley, fleeing for it's life.
It was a giant bat. When it managed to escape from the alley and flew
towards the sky, it was greeted with a kick to its face. A teenager,
donned in a dark blue jacket with a hat, with eyes of green and hair
completely ashy gray, was there all along on the roof, waiting for the bat.
The kick knocked the bat back to the ground again. When it recovered enough
to try fleeing again, the teenager had already arrived to its side. The
teenager slammed the bat's head onto the cold, hard pavement, and followed
up with a heavy stomp onto the head.
CRUNCH
The bat shrieked in pain as a loud cracking sound could be heard. Its skull
was only so hard. With its eyes red from fury, the bat flailed aimlessly at
the teenager with its wings, but to no avail. Its eyes were too shrouded from
the pain. The teenager harmlessly caught the left wing and, with a sudden pull,
threw the bat off balance, causing the bat to fall to the ground once more.
See how I broke up the monotomy of "the teenager" and "the bat"? Additionally, what you did was you told me what's going on with the scene. He kick. He sent the bat to the ground. The bat tried to run away. He held on to the bat. He slammed the bat's head to the ground. Bat screams. It's all very "list-like". You're making a bullet point of the scene, which—I feel—could be expanded on and draw the reader in more. Dont make a bullet-list paragraph of what's going on. Instead, describe the feelings. The emotions. The thoughts. The rawness of it. Look up more "show, don't tell" advice on Google. It should help a bit.
Alright, so fight's over, and he killed the bat. Cool. But the ending of the bat was very, how do I put it... anti-climatic.
The giant bat body then disintegrates leaving nothing but a pile of white
dust on the ground.
For having such a long conflict, it disappeared very fast. I guess the whole scene was just to set up for us to see how much of a bada$$ the MC is?
Alright, I'm a slightly picky reader. There's too many grammatical mistakes for me to continue on :S I got to as far as where the dog was barking and the wife said the husband can now "claim his prize".
Like this sentence here:
The teenager rushes to the source of the scream when he reaches there
he sees a group of gangsters surrounding a young woman.
Also, try keeping an eye out for sentences that can be confusing:
A black dog suddenly barks loudly at the teenager trying to bite him.
So the black dog was barking loudly because... the teenager was trying to bite him? Oh, that's silly? I agree. But then it doesn't make sense the other way either: barking loudly to bite someone.
So, thus far, the vibe I got from the initial opening of the story smells of "dark knight protecting the city in secret". Maybe that might continue, I'm not too sure.
As for your grammatical mistakes, try using free services like Grammarly to check for the basic mistakes. Granted, it won't catch them all, but it'll surely help out with the misplaced space before your ending quotes, random run-ons, and non-sectioned-off interrupting phrases.
The premise of your story looks great: silent protector of the night. Creatures have levels, and he knows the levels. This will bring up some questions, such as:
- What's his current level then?
- Why is he defending the city?
- Is he defending the city alone?
- What's special about the city then?
- Why doesn't he want to be exposed?
- He didn't magically learn all this. How did it started? Did he have a teacher? Mentor?
Possible future predictions:
- high level monster invades the city and damages/destroy city.
- OR monster wave floods city.
- the main character will be placed in a situation where he has to choose between maintaining his secret protectorate identity and endanger someone, or expose himself to save someone.
- Since main character is a teenager, there will probably be some angsty teenage love-romance,
- OR it'll go the direction of "guy does his own things and girls all fall in love with him". Prospects aren't too pretty.
- Man vs Beast isn't enough. There's going to be another conflict somewhere. Maybe this will occur in school drama.
But yeah, most important: focus on making your stories ACTIVE, ENGAGING, and draw in tension. Then focus on the grammatical side.
G'luck friend. Hobey-Ho.