Let the new authors exchange reviews, comments on our new and not so novels. We will share our impressions from what we read (the first 5-6 chapters, maybe more?), Maybe someone has some tips for improvement, but maybe not, but they have some thoughts of their own.

I have a new novel, only 6 chapters. I would like to receive 6 new reviews and chapter comments on it.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/15195393805364505/The-Adventures-of-Treasure-Hunters

For my part, I will also read your novels and honestly write what I think of them. I will give my comments.

respectfully

At the same time, I will not read novels with the LGBT direction and black DAO, as well as comment on them.

    I would be grateful if the reviewers in the comments showed on examples how to improve the text from their point of view. For which, in turn, I can give one stone to promote the novel.

    I’m not a writer, an amateur, in the novels too detailed comes. But how to show specifics without this? How to make the novel simpler? Well, if I knew, apparently I would not ask such questions.

    • Nou replied to this.

      Hey i might not leave a review as of yet since i don't really understand the story as of yet... but i will give some suggestion to improve your writing..
      Try completing all your sentences. You are leaving your sentences half way sonthey message is not coveyed properly.
      I will try and point them out in the comment.
      If you are interested try checking out my work.
      https://www.webnovel.com/book/15026448605512405/Little-Girl's-Wild-Side

        Gayu2594 Yes, this will help; reviews are not as mandatory as comments on improving the story. I would be grateful. I will see your work tonight. Thank!

            Gourmet_DAO There are five things that stuck out to me as I read through the first chapter of your novel. The first two are the two that I think are most important to your story in the meantime.

            1: Establishing a Theme

            I’m not a writer, an amateur, in the novels too detailed comes. But how to show specifics without this? How to make the novel simpler? Well, if I knew, apparently I would not ask such questions.

            Be ruthless. Take out unnecessary facts and unnecessary details. Take out things that detracts from the whole. Take out things that are distracting the readers from your story. Can they be re-stated in a different way without losing their meaning in the story?

            Then, pick out a certain theme that you want to portray in your story and expand upon it.

            For example, lets look at two sentences, the first using specific details while the other is more direct:

            Using cellular respiration and taking 2 ATP to generate about 38 ATP per mitochondria, in combination with the other 10 mitochondria per cell, the energy generated for the extension from all the organelle found in the gluteus maximus was a staggering amount.

            vs

            He spent quite a bit of energy in his whole body just stretching his butt cheeks.

            Using your story, Let's look at something like this:

            The book was published in 1878. There were various seals on it. The private library of Count von Berkman, the public library of the Club of Natural History, the national library of textile workers.

            What's the goal of this here? Are these details necessary, or are they going to be useless by chapter 2? Is this Count von Berkman's name going to appear constantly throughout the story? What about the public library of the Club of Natural History? Are we going to see more actions in regard to the Club of Natural History? Similarly, what role does the national library of textile workers take here? What imagery / importance is this book suppose to convey here? Maybe you want to invoke a sense of ancientness? Or maybe a sense of importance? Maybe let's try something like this:

            The cover of the book was white, worn down from constant handling. The originally pristine white pages were yellowed out as they had faded with the times. Maybe a hundred years, or possibly even two, had passed since this book was published. Yet, despite the worn cover, remnants of seals could be seen decorating the cover--identifying the previous owners of the book.

            Here's another (outside) example:

            A friend just came back from who knows where, and they're about to tell you their story. How would they tell it? Would it be like this:

            (a) On May 5th, 1968, I enlisted into the military, heading to a war Vietnam. Three years later, in 1969, I fought, together with the commies, on a great white tank against mankind's worst enemy.

            Or would you prefer it told something like this?

            (b) It was a few years back then, around '68. All I knew at that time was that I had to get out of the house. I didn't want to tend to the fields ever again, and my parents were driving me nuts. I couldn't go anywhere, as I didn't know anyone. So I did what I could to go away: I enlisted into the military right after I graduated from school. If someone was to told me that in three years time, I'd be sitting in a huge white tank in the middle of Vietnam, helping the Commies, I would've bet my whole life that it would never happen. We were at war with them! Yet that was what happened.

            TLDR: Pick a theme, and focus on it. Channel it out. I can relate to emotions, ideas, and concepts; but not facts. I can't relate to fact. What sorts of things can I relate to? Incredulity, the longing to escape, the desire to get part with your parents, the patriotism in one's own country, etc.

            2: Character Development

            I feel like I'm not able to relate to the character at all. You literally started off the story with a character who "found an interesting book". And then you proceeded to talk more and more and more about the book and our character is now forgotten... until he pulls out his fancy scanner to translate two foreign texts. Then he finds more interesting things. But are they really interesting? Who knows. It's only YOU who stated that they were interesting. I don't feel any sense of excitement from the main character. Nothing was shown that he is excited. Actually, let alone excited, I don't feel any emotions coming from Dara. No emotions were shown at all. As if he's a robot acting according to pre-programmed parameters. It makes the story, thus far, very cut and dry.

            3: Verb Tense

            Pick a verb tense, and stick to it. Lets look at this paragraph here:

            The count was lonely. Servants flee and take books and valuables with them. Then they are sold. 1915, books were bought out and transferred to the club of natural sciences ... but ... two years later, 1917 begins, one revolution follows another ...

            Several different verb tense can be found in this paragraph alone. Not a pleasant outlook thus far.

            4: Ellipsis (...)

            Your story is loaded with ellipsis. Don't do that. Ellipsis are a great way of showing word omissions or a small pause. But with every other sentence containing ellipsis, it gives your story a very unpolished feel.

            5: Phrasing

            This one would be the hardest part for you. I could tell that you're not a native English speaker from how your sentences are structured. Some of them are proper English structure, but others are ... off. It might do you good to find someone who is a bit more proficient in English (or speaks English as their native tongue) to give a quick read over and help fix some of the phrasing.

            I hope these helps!

            Hobey-ho! Good luck!

                Nou

                1. Yes, your advice is very valuable to me! I use various libraries to show the dynamics. Time is the period of the first empire - Tsarism, when there was capitalism on the one hand, private property, nobles, on the other colony, the master-slave relationship. On the other hand, the Club of Natural History, the transitional period when the empire began to crumble, the king transferred his rights to the provisional government and the club of textile workers as a change of old formats to new ones. Capitalism fell, it was replaced by socialism and a new form of the second empire. Private property, replaced by state. That is, in this way, I wanted to show a change of eras.

                Could Verotiano write easier? Tsarism simply fell and Socialism came in its place. But I wanted to reflect this in Aesopian language, in contextual form.

                The count will appear sporadically, since the secret of several treasures is associated with his name. Although I understand what you mean. If something appears in the novel at the beginning of chapter 1 ... it is described in detail, and then there is not a line about it to the very end, then there is no point in writing about it. Did I guess?))

                It is clear, that is, the text should be less formal and more real, natural?

                TLDR: That is, you need more feelings? Emotion? Greed? Glory? Thirst for wealth? Altruism? Wanting to make money fast?

                    Nou 2: Character development
                    This is an interesting and useful tip. But what does it look like in the text, how to show these emotions?

                    For example:

                    "Dara came with trembling hands, when he spoke, he choked on words, his eyes sparkled with feverish fire ... I found an old map !!! We will be rich! And laughed with a homeric laughter. OHHOHOHO !!! So? Or it sounds too shocking and looks grotesque ?

                    Would you be so kind as to show me an example of how to show the feelings of a character, how do you more likely express them in text form?

                    With appreciation

                    • Nou replied to this.

                        Nou 3. At the expense of verbs I’ll think about it, 4. ellipsis ... I agree, thanks for noting this, I will correct it! Thanks again!!!

                            Nou I studied English at school and university, then for a long time I did not use it. Spoken language is easier than grammar. English is my third language. I know that there are grammatical errors in the construction of phrases. Now it remains the most difficult to find an editor for free))) Well, we will search and slowly correct my English. As Lao Tzu said, a thousand li way begins with one step!

                            Thank you so much for taking your time and analyzing my novel in detail, sharing your observations and tips on how to improve the novel. I will try, taking into account your advice, to fix how I can the first 6 chapters. Let's see what happens? I have little hope, but at least it will be an attempt to change the text.

                            I express to you my sincere gratitude for the assistance I have provided, I will reflect on your wise advice.

                            respectfully

                                Gourmet_DAO

                                1) Your various library, unfortunately, doesn't show any dynamics. Why? Because we have no clue what the importance of each of those things are. We see a bunch of names. But what about them? Maybe if it was later on in the story, when things have been introduced to us. Maybe that's when we'll understand the dynamics of it. Right now? it's just a whole load of names of places and people that we know nothing about. We won't see the "subtle dynamics". Check out point #4 here.

                                "Dara came with trembling hands, when he spoke, he choked on words, his eyes sparkled with feverish fire ... I found an old map !!! We will be rich! And laughed with a homeric laughter. OHHOHOHO !!! So? Or it sounds too shocking and looks grotesque ?

                                This is nice. Lots of description of what's happening in the scene. Trembling hands, choking on words, eyes sparkling. All those are good emotional descriptions. Trembling hands shows excitement and/or nervousness. Maybe it's something important. Him choking on words? Too sad/excited/nervous. It's very nice. You've primed us with an expectation of "something big is about to happen". That's good. You built up suspense! We get to see that this guy is excited about a map!

                                The count, you should probably keep, especially since you mention that he'll make more sporadic appearances throughout your novel. To be clear, it's not that the text should be "less formal and more real". No, by all means it was not formal. Instead, what needed to happen is "give me a plot to follow". Give me some action. Not history. Not background. Not names and places of 20 different things. Those come later. Now? Give me action.

                                The TLDR you had isn't quite right either. It's more like: TLDR Give me something I can either relate to, or get hooked on to. Focusing on a "theme" also helps.

                                Would you be so kind as to show me an example of how to show the feelings of a character, how do you more likely express them in text form?

                                Okay, let me give you an example.

                                Let's use speech, and speech tags.

                                "Alright," he sighed.

                                We have a short one-word reply, followed by how he said it. He sighed. Something's up. Is he depressed? Sad? Disappointed? Now let's use action:

                                His shoulders drooped while he ambled his way to the chair. It wasn't that far away, yet it seemed to have taken forever. When he finally reached it, he slumped down with his full weight.

                                All these show signs of "slowing down" in one's actions. They're physical actions. Note: we haven't stated exactly what he's feeling yet. Now, let's look into using thoughts to further elaborate on the emotion he's having:

                                He shook his head. `I dont think I can do this anymore.'

                                Put together, we have something akin to this:

                                "Alright," he sighed.

                                His shoulders drooped while he ambled his way to the chair. It wasn't that far away, yet it seemed to have taken forever. When he finally reached it, he slumped down with his full weight.

                                He shook his head. `I dont think I can do this anymore.'

                                Can you tell what sorts of emotion is being conveyed through here?

                                If you still feel like you're having difficulty writing out emotions, consider checking out something like The Emotion Thesaurus to help you out. Here are some samples from that book.

                                2: Character

                                Go and read the guide on suspense I linked above. Look at the "Characters" section. Then, go back and read your chapter 1.

                                Look at all the instances of where the main character appears and ask yourself, "In what way did I incorporate any of those strategies into my story?"

                                (1) Is your character sympathetic?,
                                (2) Is your character interesting?,
                                (3) Does he/she have goals that really matters, etc.

                                I wont elaborate too much here because that source does a good job covering a lot of info there. In other words, check out that guide, and try to use those information to help build up your characters to drive your story. It's a wonderful resource.

                                3: Verbs

                                You don't have to give up anything or any verbs. Just stop switching from present to past tense and past to present constantly. There will be times where that is warranted, but for most of your story, that won't be the case.

                                5: Sentence structure:

                                Here, I'll elaborate a bit more here since I didn't do so as much last time. In one example:

                                In terms of treasure hunting, the most interesting place!

                                Grammatically speaking, a proper sentence consists of two things: a subject and a verb. Lets analyze that sentence above:
                                In terms is a prepositional phrase, and so is of treasure hunting. Prepositional phrases are just optional additions to a sentence. However, we first need our base sentence: The subject and the verb. Taking out all prepositional phrases, our "sentence" becomes:

                                ... the most interesting place!

                                This isn't a proper sentence. There is a missing verb. And possibly a missing subject too, depending on how you interpret it. To fix this, you would have to add in a subject and a verb:

                                In terms of treasure hunting, it was the most interesting place!

                                Again, you see it here:

                                On the territory of Maly An and the border zone of Big An, including including parts of Western China and northern Afghanistan.

                                I'll strike out all the prepositional phrase here:

                                On the territory of Maly An and the border zone of Big An, including including parts of Western China and northern Afghanistan.

                                The base of our sentence here is only: including including parts. That's not a sentence at all. The word including here can be used as a participle phrase, a gerund, or even a verb at this point. But we don't know. Again, it's missing a verb. And a subject. One propose alternative in fixing the sentence would be similar to:

                                The location was located on the territory of Maly An and on the border zone of Big An, including including which included parts of Western China and northern Afghanistan.

                                You have several run on sentences. Each clause with their own separate thoughts should be separated into different sentences. If you have a shift in the subject of the sentence, you should probably start that in a new sentence.

                                In one example, you constantly swapped the subject/focus of the sentence from "they" to "he", back and forth:

                                But they came for him, he is a tsarist official, they are waiting for him in the safety committee, he knows where the warehouses with weapons and gold are hidden.

                                into :

                                But they came for him as he was a Tsarist official. They were waiting for him in the safety committee. He also knew where the warehouses with the weapons and gold were hidden.

                                You also like starting a lot of sentences with coordinating conjunctions (And/but/for/nor/or/so/yet). Don't. It makes it a very informal read.

                                Dara set off on his adventure. BUT he has no cars. And from the capital...

                                Read up more about it on google for helps with coordinating conjunctions.

                                Once you fix that up, your sentence structures wouldn't be as stiff-sounding as they currently are right now.

                                    Nou
                                    1) wow! it sounds more interesting! I just took to rewrite the first chapter for the third time! Didn't know where to start? I thought it could be an easy way, and say that Dara was a robot, or the second option, that he was hiding his emotions, as he had grown up in an environment of intra-clan struggle. But this is an easy way, on the one hand, but on the other, apparently requiring even more in-depth information ...

                                    Now I seem to begin to understand that character, emotions, temperament, they need how you correctly noticed the action. Not only the words of the character, but also the behavior of "his body."

                                    It’s interesting, but can I use a “block of text” in the text, for example, 1 paragraph, character descriptions, what did he think for example, and then go on to the dialogs?

                                    Thank you once again, now writing a text is even more interesting than before, it becomes more lively, well, or it just seems to me !!!

                                        Nou 2-3) reference information for me. thanks, I’ll go read! it sounds cool and intriguing !!! Thanks for the time! I’ll try to change chapter 1 based on these tips! Respect!

                                            Nou Ohhhh! It is not simple! But really interesting, it seems even more interesting than writing a novel)))) I’ll go look, thank you very much! There is something to work on, try to watch. It turns out the text with the right approach, can play with other faces that I had not noticed before! How cool!!!! Respect !!!!

                                            • Nou replied to this.

                                                Nou Wow, these guidelines you posted for his novel are incredible. Just wanted to say that.

                                                • Nou replied to this.

                                                    Gourmet_DAO Hey, take your time. Writing properly is tough. I give props to those of you who undertake it. I have a slight perfectionist tendency. Its hard for me to just write, because I don't want to write one that feels lackluster. There was one I wrote after I was able to ignore that perfectionist streak. And it still left me unsatisfied. *shrug*

                                                    Spajk Thanks. I do try sometimes.

                                                          Nou I hardly rewrote the first chapter ... but I stopped already on the second, because after rewriting the first chapter, the plot also changed. Now I'm sitting, drinking tea, looking out the window and thinking how to write the second chapter. A thought flashed through my head - Dara is apparently a robot, with a communicative disorder))) And how to write dialogs? Do they also need to add emotions or not?

                                                          Thank!

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