- Edited
Norah_Koch
I read both of your stories, and they both have some pretty similar problems. The biggest one being the writing in and of itself. It's clear that English isn't your first language, and it shows. The point of view, like many other's, keeps shifting. I'm not sure if it's because you're new to writing, or that you're not used to using English, or both. I'll say it once, and I'll say it again: write your chapter, then step away. Let it sit for like an hour. Do something else, then come back and edit. It really helps. With that out of the way I can finally start the review... I guess. Two/four chapters isn't nearly enough to be give me a real idea of whats going on.
The Devil Speaks To Me Everyday:
The story begins with a really confusing metaphor. She says she loves both the sea and the sky, but likes the sea more... no wait she can't decide! And its bad that she can't decide? I really don't like how you handled the metaphor. To me, the sea and sky are both infinite, but in different ways. The sky is a part of the universe, so yes it is technically infinite in its expanse. But from our tiny little bubble called Earth, the sea is just a large. Both span out in all directions. Just because the sea reflects the sky does not make it subordinate. You even say that the sea may reflect the sky, but the sea is deep, and full of mystery.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: make the point of this chapter more clear. You, like the protagonist, were indecisive, and it leaves my head spinning.
With the second chapter, we have this mysterious thing talking. At first I thought it was her wrist, but nope... its just some sort of mental illness. An amalgamation of all her negative talk... that she listens to for some reason? She goes on to cry about how she hates her life. She has no friends, lives with her parents, and the world sucks. The voice in her head shows more emotion than she does, and you describe whats happening on the tv better than the entirety of the first chapter. You are very clearly pulling from life but... its all the sad, melancholy shit.
Chapter threeeee. She hates herself because she lives with her parents, and isn't doing anything about it (we begin her story with her lying on her back). She hates that her writing hasn't been picked up (why not self publish lmao). She's sad, sad, sad, and she wants to die. You give us no reason for her to be alive so, I'm just sitting here waiting for her to "drown herself in an icy lake." She has no dreams of sailing out into the ocean or anything, so the entire first chapter is kinda, bunk in my mind. Continuing on, shes worthless, no one cares about her, blah blah blah. She has no right to complain because she lives.. wherever... (LoL OK) So much whingeing and whining. There's nothing I like about this girl. I'm just thinking that she needs to go seek mental help.
Oh and she falls over, and thinks the guy has a boner. Ok. Where is this girl mentally, where when she trips over a guy, she doesn't first notice that he's cold, that her shirt is now wet and sticky, and that he stinks like iron? She just feels something hit her stomach and thinks "bonerrrr!" C'mon, you're better than that. Everything I listed above would have told us that the guy was not alive, but then you couldn't have thrown in the SECKS, hm? No wonder this chick can't get published lol.
It's even more confusing when you reveal that it was a knife jutting out of his lower body, and not a peeeenis. Have you ever felt a handle of a knife? have you ever felt a boner stuffed in a guys pants? You sure? Hn ok...
Moving on to the next chapter. We teleport to the jail, where shes been sitting for god knows how long. The walls of her uterus are just shedding, shes in so much pain. We have no idea why she didn't complete her trip for some ibuprofen/pain killers. We're just told she didn't and is just... in so much pain from her boooody. This gives her an excuse to make fun of the balding man? I think? I dunno, thats just kinda immature from a 27 year old woman. She just hates herself, and lashes out like a child because she can't manage her emotions like an adult. Maybe thats why shes not published, can't take criticism? Also shes the prime suspect for the boner guy. Because she looked up how to kill a person, even though the police know shes a crime novelist. Why didn't she just go to the police station and research there? Ya know what.. never mind.
TLDR: This reads like a retelling of your life that lacks self-awareness. Everything feels a bit too real. Like I'm peering into your mind. I'm reading about your feelings. About how you hate yourself and where you are in life. If it was supposed to be a downer, you definitely hit it on the nose there, but maybe step back and create a character and don't base it so much off of whomever I'm reading about right now. Makes me uncomfortable...
Perverted Mage:
The story starts with... I don't even know. Sexual assault? Like... I dunno about you, but I would never be OK with sucking a guy's dick who clearly isn't awake. That's just... in such poor taste. I don't even know what else to say about it. In both your novels you wield sex likes its this sort of forbidden fruit. Something edgy, like swearing and drinking. It's really not. It's fun, but it's also a work out. And once you're done you get to cuddle for a hot minute.. ahem.
It just rings to me of someone who has a weird view about sex, like... you've never done it before or you watch too much porn. It just something you do with someone you like. But the way it's shown in both your novels... its always a weapon wielded by a man. This rubs me the wrong, wrong, WRONG way. But I don't know how else to explain it. Write what you know, and it looks like you don't know sex.
So when I see you start a chapter with a woman sucking the dick of an unconscious, non-consenting man. It raises my eyebrows, and churns my stomach.
The second chapter is also short, and its an extended scene of the first. You could've just combined them. It's also an info dump. MC was a woman who pretended to be a man online (like this is unusual or something). She had E-sex with some of these women in her harem, which pissed off the yandere waifu character who cursed her and went all stabby-stab.
And now she has a penis (which is good! you, the author says so!). So shes a cheater, and got rewarded? Why didn't this other woman just break up with her and move on? Hello? Looks around Ugh. Ya know what.. never mind...
Oh and there's no cheats and no memory index to pull from. That's an interesting twist at least. And shes a teacher. Cool. Who has sex with their students. Not cool.
Again two chapters (that could've just been one big chapter) isn't enough to go off of.
That's all I got for now. Good luck. lmao.
I checked back and yeah, we basically said the same thing. Tho mine was indeed more blunt. 
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