Norah_Koch
I wasn't comparing. I was giving you works that had the same tone as yours. When reading someone who's work is better, you try to see what they do right, what you like, and try to take that and add it to your utility belt. You don't have to literally write like them, but see what they're doing, and then see what your doing, and try to learn something. How else are you going to learn if you don't pick up skills? If you keep writing how you're writing, you won't improve. Unless you're just not trying to? But then, why ask for a review?

When I leave you a... fuck I don't even know, 800 word 'review,' and you reply back with excuses:
"Shes a mental case", "dark psychological genre,' 'weird characters.' All of these read like excuses, not reasons.
You may think that just telling me shes a mental case is good enough, but it really isn't. She comes off as a ghost who sips her own hateful kool-aid. There was NO development anywhere to be seen in the vast expanse of those four chapters I read. You wanna know what happened: She wakes up, attempts to go to the store for her pain, and then finds a dead guy. After that we are just TELEPORTED, to the police station. We aren't given a moment to follow her through the 'inciting incident.' We don't really get to see how she reacts to her world being turned upside down, that she might be accused of murder because she found the body first. But wait! This would be a great excuse for her to just disappear. Nope! Instead she just thinks of boners for some reason and then tries to finish her trip to the store.

My god... you're the puppet master in the story! These are your characters! Make them do something! Make them react! Casper has more going on than this chick! Velma has more character when she trips and looses her glasses!

A blowjob is a sexual act. So... I dunno what the fuck you mean by 'not a sex scene.' A sexual act was being preformed, within one of your scenes. And yes there have been stories that start like that, they tend to be shitty and full of cardboard women. Your scene had no sensations, no feelings. Character just wakes up, with a chick licking a dick. Was it tingly, was it itchy? Was there teeth? Was the girl's mouth dry? Guess the dick was just... was just numb or something. Bah who cares! PeePEE IN MOUTH THAT'S HOW YA START A STORY. HOWDY DOO! GIVE ME MY FUCKING STONES YOU IDIOTS.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be awakened by someone giving you head? Is this sexy to you?

Also if these two women were dating (in perv mage), why would you just give up your freedom by killing your SO? Why not just.. be an adult and break up with them? Ah because you write 'weird characters.' My bad, I'll pay more attention next time.
You need to stop relying on tropes and actually write characters who make sense and aren't paper cut outs. It's great to have an idea. But you need to mold it into something usable and that makes sense. Nothing happens in The Devil Speaks to me, and I'm even more worried because it's listed as a romance. Your main character should not be in a relationship with anyone, or they will be abused, or become an abuser. Nothing happens in Perverted Mage except poorly written smut. Niiiiiice.

      Please read my novel imperfect couple and their perfect love and give reviews and give ur valuable comments to it

        Norah_Koch
        Oh shit not that one lol! The other one! I dropped the edge of twilight one a while ago... "Super experimental," means that I'm just writing it for fun. It's not going to be as polished as my other work, which has an actual outline.
        But...
        Where are the grammar and punctuation issues? Could you point some out to me. I'm not seeing any...
        Yeah the biggest issue with the first chapter is the sudden change of POV. But it never changes again, so I'm not sure whats confusing? Could you elaborate one what issues you're having?
        With the second chapter, I'm pulling you through the house, and explaining why things are the way they are. Pretty much telling you what's 'normal' for Lucifer and Kinoko to be dealing with. I also can't just drag you past a ghost! Especially when there are two! What exactly am I 'telling' here? I'm describing rooms and explaining relationships between characters, like I did in the first chapter with Kinoko and Lucifer. But its an issue in the second chapter?

        "Dark leather outfit," because leather can be brown, sand, green, or pink! He blended into the shadows idk... Is this really unclear?
        You can aim a weapon... You aim a gun, towards it's intended target. You aim your ass towards the toilet when you pee. You aim your eyes when you read a book. You aim the rapier at her head. Its pointing, with purpose!

        "Kinoko, was unafraid." Is a complete sentence. The comma acts as a dramatic pause there, as if taking a breath. I'm putting emphasis on her name, something you can do, by putting the pause there. Read it aloud.

        Watching anime videos. Will not help. In writing action scenes. These are two different things. One is passive, and one is active... Reading action scenes will help my writing though. Something I really do need to do tbh...

        I don't really know what part you're talking about when you say: "When you are writing the thoughts of the person, maybe you should try to imagine yourself as the character and focus. Some thoughts should be detailed."

        When you're alone with your thoughts, you don't think as if someone is reading them. You think as if you, the thinker, know the entire context of whats going on. It's then on the writer to give the reader context. If there was somewhere where someone was thinking and it was confusing, please tell me and I'll take a look.

            Norah_Koch
            "The tigress was mid leap" is a...real working sentence. Can you tell me what's wrong with it, please? You can't just point something out and then let it hang in the air... 🙃
            Yeah I realized half way through that Wulin is 10x more interesting than AhnAhn. Once we shift back to her I'm going to put more effort into fleshing her out. Other people have said that she doesn't make sense. I missed the opportunity in the beginning to really give a clear understanding of who she is. (Also not used to writing in the first person. I've been reading up on that)
            Also her father was killed five years ago. So she has had time to accept what's going to happen to her, along with trying not to starve.
            Why didn't she get shipped to the Empire of Peaches right when the war was won? Because the Emperor is an idiot. It's true, and it's in my notes! The man inherited all the power, with none of the brains. All he wants to do is expand. Once that's done he just kinda.. moves on to something else. But hes also old, so he's mellowed out over the last 5 years. AhnAhn's country was the last bit of land that he felt he could get in his lifetime.
            Wasn't really sure when I would get to dump all that info down, so I hinted at it.

                13 days later

                luciel_707 I can take a look for the sake of writing development, but you don't need to do a review on mine. I'll review for constructive feedback. Once you've read, it's okay to delete it.

                I've left my review. Hopefully, it'll be helpful to you. Keep writing :smile_cat:

                    Xincerely you were the last one to talk here so I m asking you, what does review swap mean? Like you Review my work I do yours? Sorry for asking something silly but I'm new here and don't really know much

                        Review Swap
                        Here's mine:
                        https://www.webnovel.com/book/15101384206895405/Ceo's-Fierce-Lady-Immortal
                        Genre: Fantasy Romance
                        Synopsis:

                        She was a hot-blooded & fierce cultivator in her past life.
                        After transmigration, she became a useless psychopath and crazy being admitted in a mental hospital.

                        This was the most shocking moment of her life. What's even more, that she became crazy because of her broken engagement to a young heir.

                        Everyone now looks up to her with pity. She is deemed as a crazy woman because of her love to him! Everything is messed up when she took over the body.

                        Su Ci Yi is not a woman who needs to prove herself to others. She will act as hell crazy and trouble those people who has a debt towards her.

                        The mental hospital was her home and the doctors are now her trusted aides. The patients her friends and the mental establishments her entire household!

                        However, even though she acted a total idiot, there is someone who notices her small actions.

                        Qin Xiao Yu, a business tycoon who recently dominated different industries, has come to declare his domination towards her.

                        "You want a kiss? Hmph, fight me! You win, I'll give what you want!" Su Ci Yi glared like a ferocious wild animal.
                        Qin Yu was leaning on a hard wall, trapping Su Ci Yi within his arms. Their breaths are not afar along with the rhythmic beating of the chest. One was loud and blaring. The other was calm like the serene waves of ocean.
                        Qin Yu's deep eyes landed on those thin rosy lips and gulp.
                        Even before he could pluck the peach blossom, he received a heavy blow down below.
                        Su Ci Yi crack her knuckles, lunged a kick and without mercy shifted her position pinning the man on the wall, arms on his back.
                        Now, their position is complete reverse.
                        However, an abrupt military footsteps advances towards her. Seven men in black suit with sunglasses stopped in front, only a meters away aiming a 5.56 mm M-16 head on straight on Su Ci Yi's head.
                        Su Ci Yi : "..."

                        This is a comedy-fantasy romance between an aloof-and-extroverted-inside-female-lead x sadistic-domineering-warm-inside-male-lead:)

                          Ruhani_Noor I do write. However, I am bit stuck in life, which is the reason I am not participating in any review swaps. I have added your story to my library. Will revert whenever I can. Best wishes for your book. : )

                              anyone intrested in doing a review swap let me know happy to do one for my new story, only 3 chapters so not much to read :)

                              https://www.webnovel.com/book/15653272806648205
                              Reincarnated into a human?
                              it's about a dragon who gets reincarnated as a human, and decides to use this chance to get revenge on the human race.

                                3 years later

                                Please read and review my work.

                                Synopsis

                                [WARNING: MATURE CONTENT]

                                From birth to him being seven years old, Osmond ward knew only about his village. He thought that the world was beautiful and one day he will venture into the unknown and see it for himself.

                                It all changed on that day.

                                Orcs and goblins and ogres flowed. They plundered, raped and feasted.

                                On that day he witnessed nightmares in life.

                                Orphaned and powerless, he was saved by a stranger. A man to whom he was forced upon.

                                What will Osmond ward seek now?.

                                Author's note:

                                I am a non native English speaker.

                                This is my first work. I wanted a story with non op characters and real stakes.

                                I support all forms of constructive criticism and i hope you will enjoy my work.

                                Link below.

                                https://www.webnovel.com/book/graeae-%0D-land-of-beauty-and-nightmares_23880683806254305?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4320157483

                                  6 days later
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