Webnovel.Forum

Norah_Koch
Oh shit not that one lol! The other one! I dropped the edge of twilight one a while ago... "Super experimental," means that I'm just writing it for fun. It's not going to be as polished as my other work, which has an actual outline.
But...
Where are the grammar and punctuation issues? Could you point some out to me. I'm not seeing any...
Yeah the biggest issue with the first chapter is the sudden change of POV. But it never changes again, so I'm not sure whats confusing? Could you elaborate one what issues you're having?
With the second chapter, I'm pulling you through the house, and explaining why things are the way they are. Pretty much telling you what's 'normal' for Lucifer and Kinoko to be dealing with. I also can't just drag you past a ghost! Especially when there are two! What exactly am I 'telling' here? I'm describing rooms and explaining relationships between characters, like I did in the first chapter with Kinoko and Lucifer. But its an issue in the second chapter?

"Dark leather outfit," because leather can be brown, sand, green, or pink! He blended into the shadows idk... Is this really unclear?
You can aim a weapon... You aim a gun, towards it's intended target. You aim your ass towards the toilet when you pee. You aim your eyes when you read a book. You aim the rapier at her head. Its pointing, with purpose!

"Kinoko, was unafraid." Is a complete sentence. The comma acts as a dramatic pause there, as if taking a breath. I'm putting emphasis on her name, something you can do, by putting the pause there. Read it aloud.

Watching anime videos. Will not help. In writing action scenes. These are two different things. One is passive, and one is active... Reading action scenes will help my writing though. Something I really do need to do tbh...

I don't really know what part you're talking about when you say: "When you are writing the thoughts of the person, maybe you should try to imagine yourself as the character and focus. Some thoughts should be detailed."

When you're alone with your thoughts, you don't think as if someone is reading them. You think as if you, the thinker, know the entire context of whats going on. It's then on the writer to give the reader context. If there was somewhere where someone was thinking and it was confusing, please tell me and I'll take a look.

luciel_707 I can take a look for the sake of writing development, but you don't need to do a review on mine. I'll review for constructive feedback. Once you've read, it's okay to delete it.

I've left my review. Hopefully, it'll be helpful to you. Keep writing :smile_cat:

Review Swap
Here's mine:
https://www.webnovel.com/book/15101384206895405/Ceo's-Fierce-Lady-Immortal
Genre: Fantasy Romance
Synopsis:

She was a hot-blooded & fierce cultivator in her past life.
After transmigration, she became a useless psychopath and crazy being admitted in a mental hospital.

This was the most shocking moment of her life. What's even more, that she became crazy because of her broken engagement to a young heir.

Everyone now looks up to her with pity. She is deemed as a crazy woman because of her love to him! Everything is messed up when she took over the body.

Su Ci Yi is not a woman who needs to prove herself to others. She will act as hell crazy and trouble those people who has a debt towards her.

The mental hospital was her home and the doctors are now her trusted aides. The patients her friends and the mental establishments her entire household!

However, even though she acted a total idiot, there is someone who notices her small actions.

Qin Xiao Yu, a business tycoon who recently dominated different industries, has come to declare his domination towards her.

"You want a kiss? Hmph, fight me! You win, I'll give what you want!" Su Ci Yi glared like a ferocious wild animal.
Qin Yu was leaning on a hard wall, trapping Su Ci Yi within his arms. Their breaths are not afar along with the rhythmic beating of the chest. One was loud and blaring. The other was calm like the serene waves of ocean.
Qin Yu's deep eyes landed on those thin rosy lips and gulp.
Even before he could pluck the peach blossom, he received a heavy blow down below.
Su Ci Yi crack her knuckles, lunged a kick and without mercy shifted her position pinning the man on the wall, arms on his back.
Now, their position is complete reverse.
However, an abrupt military footsteps advances towards her. Seven men in black suit with sunglasses stopped in front, only a meters away aiming a 5.56 mm M-16 head on straight on Su Ci Yi's head.
Su Ci Yi : "..."

This is a comedy-fantasy romance between an aloof-and-extroverted-inside-female-lead x sadistic-domineering-warm-inside-male-lead:)