Gourmet_DAO I like the emotional aspect of it, but the reader is not aware of what to care about. The introduction needs to quickly set the stakes and give the reader massive hints about the world in it.

It's not griping because currently when the reader opens the book. There is no danger etc, just what appears to be random panic. And, the first sentence typo really is offputting.

Because of the power of the first sentence typo and the lack of world-building right off the bat, I would have stopped reading as a normal reader. But, as I am reviewing I kept going.

The whole thing with the cup is a little odd, I get what you attempted but we gotta work on that implementation. <3 And, more importantly, we still have not learned why Dara is so raddled. The start of the novel is where you have to establish the world, hook us in and give the reader an idea of who the current POV is even if they are not the protag.

Then you jump into details which I have no context for such as book 01090 something about a city and you tossed into something about 470767.

Currently, I am confused and all I know is that the MC is panicked. But, more importantly, I don't have the desire to keep track of all his stuff. From what I read, its earth from now or into the future and elements of a magical realism novel.

It's all too much of a burden to keep in my head and I have not been given a reason to care about this MC nor can I connect to him. If I were you, I would consider altering the starting point.

      Acutelittletrap Thanks for the idea. The only question is how to implement this. If it’s not difficult, could you give an example of how to do this?

      At the expense of numbers, this is a cipher ... but how can I make the tode reader light up with this cipher and want to know what is hidden behind it, I don’t know? Maybe then, in general, remove the numbers from the text and just send Dara to the archive? Without any secrecy, secret societies, simple, clear.

      Go straight to the search for treasures rather than desk work in the archives?

      If it’s not difficult for you, could you give advice on how to do this?

      Thanks in advance.

          Acutelittletrap Thank you for the interesting thought. as you said, I re-read the chapter, and clearly saw all those mistakes that you told me. I rewrote it, it has changed almost 90 percent! But this is only the raw materials and the first grinding. It seems to me that the chapter turned out to be more understandable. But still it left the numbers, though only one group.

              Nightmare_Taichou

              0 - chapter

              I will write my thoughts in each chapter I read, and after that I will summarize the general result. So I have to split my review into several parts. My English is not so good, so there may be misunderstandings in understanding, if you ask anything, I will explain what I meant.

              Synopsis - for some reason, Mark Twain’s story “The Prince and the Pauper” reminded me immediately. But the story sounds very exciting interest in the novel!

              Oh, reading chapter 0, I caught myself thinking that I had already met such a hero somewhere, I read at least two short stories with this type, and he was also Japanese. I hope that your romance is not fan fiction and not cliché! Since it would be very disappointing. I do not want this! Hope this is not the case!

              Here, the choice of Japanese names is of interest, they are all very loud, famous, behind them already have their own stories from the real earthly world. Does this have anything to do with the choice of names? or did the author simply select them as the Japanese names that are heard?

              What is alarming is that there are too many heroes. I have more of them, but I'm slowly starting to get confused in them. Having two or three heroes is enough. But maybe this is just an author’s idea? It is not up to me for the reader to decide.

              It is good that there is an additional 0 chapter, it gives the reader introductory information about the character of the heroes, the worlds in which they live. This is great, this is a big plus!

                  1st chp

                  Is curious eye color something meaning? Some characterization of the heroine? The described interior of the room, then he will still appear in the novel or not?

                  But the first chapter I liked the plasticity of the dialogues, they are natural IMHO.

                  But with the magic circles breaks, but I'm glad that I was mistaken, the novel is not cliché, this is an original work.

                  And the plot is famously twisted !!!

                  The transfer of Japanese, Chinese, American, probably everyone would say that? It reminds a plot about the Normal Japanese Schoolboy. But manga and reality are two different things. What goes cliché again? I hope not.

                  It's just that the immunity of a modern person is worse than that of those who lived a couple of centuries ago. From viruses (like Hebert Wales's about Martians) the main character could make ends very quickly, but I don’t know if the magic of healing would help him?

                  Oh phone, had the phone functions from the short story "I have an estate in the apocalyptic world"? It seems a lot of borrowing from other short stories.

                    Primate Thank you so much, Bro Tao! Yes, I really appreciate the help, goodwill, advice!

                    Many thanks to these savvy Taoists who follow the path of enlightenment!

                    As I read, correct, rewrite, and rewrite chapters. I hope I can finish this process and enjoy reading the novel of respected Bro!

                    Respect!

                        Gourmet_DAO

                        I noticed the changes. <3 But you went too far =[. I am not a pro, but I'll provide a sample of my writing and break it down for you.

                        Kaylah tied up her long ruby hair and grabbed an arrow from her dark-green quiver. Her target a hollow doll at the other end of the store which donned her old outfit. A black tag top, a leather belt, and worn out camouflage gear.

                        She released an arrow that soared past the weapons section of the store and though the head of a doll of an old worn down doll. What a waste. Kaylah grinned after striking her distant target and pounded her chest. She then turned around and faced me while yelling, “Father!” Kaylah held another arrow and pulled back on her bowstring. My heart skipped a beat as her eyes bulged. Has she gone crazy!? I leaped toward my left behind an old weapon display.

                        An arrow flew out of her bow and through the air. I followed the arrow as something crashed into the ground behind me. Half of the arrow found itself in the skull of a massive white and grey wolf. The wolf’s blood and brain matter flowed from its skull and stained the abandoned store’s tile ground.

                        In terms of what we were talking about, I'll break down each paragraph.

                        1. Establishing the location. (A store)a fraction of her skill set and appearance. Hints toward the environment (Dark Green, Black.) Also giving information about the time, (Tank top, Store, leather belt.) Another hint would be the reaction to her shooting an arrow, but this is not in this paragraph.

                        A mistake is that a reader might view this as 3rd person, I need to fix that in future edits.

                        1. It shows that Kaylah is a skilled archer. It also establishes the Pov, (Kaylah's father.) Though this part could be done better. We learned more about Kaylah indirectly, for example, she is not the type to panic as she quickly took action. An important note is that we have events whereas your current revision establishes lore, but we need more focus on the story and less of the grand setting I recommend zooming in more.

                        Remember while books like TLOR are wonderful many say it won't be published currently.

                        1. Consider this an outcome of sorts, but clearly, this situation needs to be addressed, why is the wolf here? And, how is the father going to react? Here establishes a power structure of sorts some tension as the father nearly died, but at this point, the reader does not care too much about him which is why its Some tension.

                        If you look deeper you will find hints of the situation and the world in each of the above, what I wrote is only a starting point, something I personally rate a 6/10 on a good day. But, we all gotta improve and the road to greatness is a long one.

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