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Thirty-Third Thought: Being Beautiful and Ugly? (Beware the Pointless Rant Down Below)

My mother constantly tells me I should change my face and ugly clothes because a girl must be pretty. Now, I wonder how she never seems to understand that I want to be myself. I wear black but she calls it the color of evil. I refuse to wear make-up because it makes my skin dry and I feel stuffy. She claims she wants me to look presentable to society, but what the hell does that even mean?
I curl my hair and people call me beautiful. My hair is straight, I'm called a basic Asian. I cut my hair and they call me a boy wannabe or a tomboy. I wear skirts and they call my legs hairy. I wear what I like and I'm called depressing. I change my shoes and they say I look unnatural in heels. I look beautiful in red dresses.
I cannot satisfy everyone and I'm sure I feel depressed because I can't be myself, not because I am called ugly. Although being called ugly every other day by the one who birthed me hurts, parading around with a smile hurts the most. I am fine with being fake at certain times, but all the time is impossible.
My mom always uses the 'people would rather look at a pretty person' and I only shrug. If that's what they want, they can ignore me for all I care. Why would I want to surround myself by people who focus on looks more than who I am as a person? Heck, I've been a loner for a while but I do know how to get along with others. I make friends based off of their mind and I love people because of their personality. I can't believe others would not think the same but ah well, I'm a 'dumb, naive girl'!
I am just trying to find myself in this world and I don't think dressing the way I do would kill anyone. The way I act would not endanger others. If no one in this world will accept me for who I am, at least I should love myself. I want to be recognized for every aspect of me. I don't care if people remember my bad moments or ugliest moments, I just don't want to be judged like a book cover. I don't want to be treated like a doll who will stay still while others change me.
I know that the outside world can be harsh at times and I've experienced it enough to know my mother only hopes I do not experience too much, but the way she makes her thoughts known really pricks my heart. The fact she doesn't think my personality and talents is what others would want to see really hurts. I wish I can tell her how I feel, but she always shuts me down before I can get my point across.
Now, I always keep my mouth shut when she talks about my small eyes (that I got from my father). She makes me shave although my hair grows back quickly (thanks again, dad). She buys me pink clothing that she makes me wear to social gatherings. Then she wonders why I always look dead at weddings. She buys expensive make-up to cover my freckles and healing pimples. I'd rather use hundreds of dollars to save for university.
She loves taking pictures of me and sharing them on Facebook. Her friends and relatives comment on her great parenting, raising such a beautiful girl. I've seen a comment where a man was trying to get my mom's opinion on his son. In reality, The man's probably looking for someone who would one day marry his son so his family could follow the son out of the country.
I should also look nice for the males? Ha, why would I want to be reduced to a piece of meat? I don't want to be enjoyed and discarded whenever.
I don't like being used. I don't like attention. I loathe drama and I hate being groomed by more 'experienced' people. Sometimes I just want to shout: JUST LET ME BE MYSELF OR I WILL DO STUFF TO MAKE YOU REALIZE I WAS WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED!

Sorry for the aggressive rant, I got so frustrated when my mom asked me why I don't try my best to heal bruises I received from sports. I don't want to feel guilty for being real. I do care about my looks, but not to the extent where I feel as if my identity hangs on what is on or not on my face. I have been called beautiful and ugly by people who don't even know me. It gets annoying. Fine, call me whatever but don't try to change me because I'm not trying to change anyone by wearing black or acting more like a boy.

ValKree You be you.

Eventually, one day, you’ll want to do all those things, maybe just for a special or fun occasion. But until then, and even then, you do what you’re comfortable in. But don’t be afraid to experiment or try something new.

I like pretty clothes, jewelry, and makeup, but my daily look is bare face and typically just earrings only.

( I can’t do makeup. I just like watching beauty vids think I can somehow passively learn while also enjoying these masters’ magical transformation skills. xD )

You obviously know the truth of not listening to others’ judgements and opinions based on your post. So embrace and enjoy your amazing self!

Chryiss My only goal is being myself.

If I'm in the right mindset and mood, I would dress differently as long as I feel comfortable and confident. The issue I struggle daily with is that I am not allowed to pick and choose when I want to be 'prettier'. I always have to be pretty and I'm not comfortable or confident when I'm forced to wear what I don't want.

I do like trying new things, but at my own pace. I am a pretty selfish person when it comes to happiness. I do watch makeup tutorials and I go on Pinterest for cute outfit ideas, but only when I feel interested enough.

I have applied makeup on friends because it is an art form, but I would never consciously put anything on my face.

I do wear jewelry although I ditched earrings just last year. I'm a clumsy person who manages to snag earrings on anything with hooks. Besides that, the jewelry I wear are not cute or girly enough for my mother.

I'm usually insulted for loving myself and sometimes, it's so frustrating. On top of everything else I must worry about on the streets, I have to watch how appealing I look? Its hard when it seems I need to defend myself from everyone else.

Thank you for your comment. After a bleak day, your support really brought a smile to my face.

yaoyueyi
The Queen speaks to me?

I wish that is the case, but I'm not sure if it is. The big differences are between books and each one is written differently. It's like one distinct writing style for each one. Somehow, I manage to write in more than three different hands.

The difference within parts of novels is clearly not improvement if it seems like a high school student suddenly becomes an elementary school kid. I do try to improve though.

Slowly but surely. Maybe one day my different writing styles will merge. That'll be one wacky style.

Chryiss yep, I have at least 2 novels I know I won't drop early and somehow, I still start new ones. I usually update slower after a week and honestly, I don't know if I will ever finish although I want to. It's great that you're feeling productive. I wish I can juggle writing with everything else in life, but writing is just a hobby. I can't take it as seriously as I want.
I struggle with having more concepts in one story. I don't plan anything for my novels, but I do have a basic plotline for each one. I think it's good to incorporate ideas but my ideas are only plot-related. I've ruined plotlines a few times by being too wishy-washy.
Oof, I'm not sure if I'd want my role model taking a look at works I write during the night. I don't know where three collections came from and it's already scaring me. (o.o)

I do need luck. I have written two parts and I am currently writing the third chapter. I'm trying to update daily at least for a week after the contest ends.

Chryiss I didn't even understand the question posed. Even then, shouldn't users know how to use codes? There have been too many threads about invitation codes and I still haven't considered the fact that I have one. XD

Edit: Veronica8 and someone else sent powerstones. I'm going to die now...I shall return as a ghost!