Webnovel.Forum

Can you give my novel a review?
This is my novel.
Title: The ascendance of the "Emperor of Darkness"
Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/16205041106295805/The-Ascendance-of-the-%22Emperor-of-Darkness%22

Eleventh Book: The Stolen Princess and the Blind Prince

Update Stability: Average

I based this partially on the rate you were updating before the hiatus which was very good, but since it’s been 16 days since the last one and you likely won’t be consistently updating for a while, I had to rate just average. (But obviously, this isn’t a big deal and isn’t really part of your technical writing abilities. Authors get busy with life after all.)

Writing Quality and World Background: Both Above Average

Few errors, overall general good use of grammar. There was a sentence I set aside somewhere that I was going to use to explain one little quirk of your writing that could be improved for clarity. Alas, I can’t find it, but I can still explain. It’s the use of commas. If I recall correctly, you once said you knew you have problems with abusing commas, and in some cases, that’s true. But actually, I mostly found that you needed to adjust how you used them as in some cases you needed to add commas for clarity in more complex sentences with particle inserts.

Now with style and details, this is in first person, so I don’t expect much stylistic flexing as the voice should be of the narrator. So I think the complexity of the writing, meaning readability (such as the likert scale), is fine; it’s appropriate for first person. Most people don’t “think” super descriptively but rather “speak” more ordinarily in their mind.

With that said, that doesn’t mean they speak briefly in their minds either. That’s why I’m always encouraging writers choosing first person to really dive into the characters with more of their thoughts and feelings. The writing doesn’t have to complex, but it should lean on depth and a tad more length. The MC’s reaction to something shocking, for example, should be not be said in just a line or two, but several lines perhaps interspersed in different spaces of an entire scene. With your particular MC, I like how she phrases things in a bit of a sassy way, but unfortunately, it doesn’t shine through enough because her thoughts are often one liner responses to events that occur, like oh, that’s funny and moving on. If you lingered more and divulged into her amusement and conflicts, it would greatly make her come more alive. Currently, she’s a bit weak in the demonstration of her personality, making her sassiness almost feel forced just for the sake of a cool, quirky character rather than natural and real.

Character Design and Story Development: Both Average

And so, that leads us into character and plot. I was impressed by you fleshing out the minor characters, my particular favorite was the driver at the beginning. You were able to bring out his character and background in few lines, but they were very effective and natural. The MC’s maids’ on the other hand feel like a contrived duo that makes me think of the enthusiastic maids of other historical romances.

As for the ML’s personality, that too was lacking, perhaps because we see little about him and his thoughts, feelings, and motives for why he’s a bandit and how he’s so skilled as a blind man. I don’t dislike him. But he’s forgettable, something that a ML shouldn’t be. I’d dare say to even dive into the cliches of making him more mysterious if he’s a rebel of sorts for playing bandit and doing other “non-princely” activities. But that aside, I’d like to hear more of his story, what compels and interests him and why.

His group, as somewhat minor characters, fall into the middle of the spectrum of strong and weak characters found in this story. Due to the long fight scene, we got to see quite a lot of them in proportion to the FL and ML. While it’s okay to delve into side characters, the focus should always be on the main ones at least at the beginning of the story once you’ve established them and the story’s main conflicts. Once the FL/MC enters the castle, she’s also scrapped in place of the ML and his gang for a very long bar fight of sorts. Fighting and action in a romance story is fine—(hit 4k character review limit)

(continued in a comment)
—I love it when it exists in romance stories actually—but, given that they have a clear purpose. And this for this fight, I see none. It felt like a long insert that didn’t quite belong to the story. It felt disconnected. However, I do note that there aren’t many chapters and they’re generally quite short, so it’s early into the story and these chapters could very well serve a purpose that’s not immediately clear.

With that said, the fight itself was sloppy. While some bits were amusing or entertaining, I had no idea who was where and doing what and why people joined or started, what the problem was, why the assassin targeted them, etc. I have some loose ideas, but it’s not organized enough for me to follow with a satisfactory degree of comprehension. And with how it ended, it confused me even more as it then jumped right back to the princess MC, a very jarring transition.

I see the hints of the assassin being some antagonist by someone who wants to disrupt the royal family and castle, for her to kill someone, and then the MC being contacted by someone shady about her fiancé. But overall, it feels contrived, too sudden without any proper build up of the forces at stake, and the factions and their conflicting interests. That’s why I felt a lack of solid footing or connection to the events at play.

Tying this back to the writing, I believe sticking with the MC/FL’s perspective is best. Jumping around to the ML’s view and then even his gang which are secondary characters adds to the confusion and disconnect of the characters we’re just starting to know and the plot that’s just beginning. If you want to show the ML’s perspective, that’s fine, I just suggest showing it at a later point once the FL has settled down with the plot starting or under way, and we’ve grasped her personality and situation better. However, no side/secondary character perspectives as they make the story too messy. Again the focus should be on the main characters, especially in a romance, and we can learn enough about them from the main characters’ narrative about them. Interestingly, I found that was the reason why the driver came off to me as more well-presented than the other characters. The method of sharing their personality and thoughts leads to different expectations. Tell me in their first person perspective, and I expect a lot of deep diving. If none, the view feels unnecessary.

To wrap up, you can write. You can definitely write with good grammar and vocabulary. You have good ideas, humor, and emotion too, but they just need to be brought out much more. At this point, it feels more like a skim, leaving me unsatisfied and wanting more. Slow down the pace and show a little more. Add more meat to the introspections and exploration of the settings and plots.

I hope this helps! I went a little deeper and more nit-picky with a more blunt approach than usual because I believe this’ll serve you better as feedback. Like I told you before, I have to read more chapters with better written stories that don’t require me to point out as many basics of writing and storytelling. In these types of stories like yours, I can talk more about the details of character and plot for instance. And you know where to find me if you want to ask questions. ;)

You should make your own thread.... this one is closed...

Edit: thanks