Yashima099
Honest review #2
Title: Didnāt I say make me famous in my next life?
Author: Yashima099
Chapters read: until the latest update (chap 3)
Reading notes (Those are my notes. Might not make sense but I still wanted to leave it here):
Past tense and present tense confusing
Heart warming dialogs intent. But counteract by bad grammar and turns of phrases.
Punctuation issues
Overuse of capital letters
Volume 0 Character sheet. Bad for mystery
Huge description paragraph. No purpose.
Flow problem
Story: Hum too soon to judge. But it took you three chapters to get to the point where he revives. A tad too much to my opinion. A bit slow.
World building: At this stage, I really canāt judge. Itās too early. If Iāve read 10 or so chaps then maybe, I would be able to. But I saw some inspiration from Greek and other mythological gods. Sounds interesting so far.
Character design: They look alright and distinct from one another. However, according to your Volume 0 I can say that you put some thought into it. But, you do have the same issue as Honest Review #1. I donāt know where trend to make character sheets or reveal your characters in an annex doc come from. I think itās really weird. It chases away the mystery of the story and even the characters. Your sheets were particularly detailed. Too detailed to my opinion. Writing serves as the thread linking your story to your readers mind. However, if the thread is to thick it wonāt enter the holes by which they enter readers mind. If itās too small it will sever. Okay, all that chinese quote thing to say, donāt be too descriptive about characters. Iāve once read a guy with perfect english and descriptions. But what a bore his story was. It was like he could describe a guy taking a single step forward with 2000 words. Sounds boring right? Anyway, just donāt take away your readers imagination.
Writing quality: My favorite, because I hate it as much as you probably do. Okay, prepare yourself, fasten your seatbelt, wear an armor, etc. Ready? Okay. It took me out of the story. I donāt know how the people the comment sections did, but I sure had a hard time. In chapter 1, I tried my best to stay focus, chapter 2, my mind started to waver, chapter 3 it was already elsewhere. I left you some paragraph comments to point out some of them. But hereās the gist of it:
- Punctuation: You should check out punctuation rules online. Maybe youāre trying to give your story a certain style with specific punctuation. I get it. But if you donāt master the basics, it wonāt be believable. To me, it wasnāt. Another point, careful with your paragraphs. The bigger they are the harder they fall. It hurts eyes. Break those up.
Wording and weird turn of phrases: Hum, not much that can be done in that regard. Just read and write.
The Flow: What I call the flow, donāt know if others call it like this (maybe idk), is not some shenanigan about a secret liquid flowing through your texts. Itās much more simple: Itās when the next sentence doesnāt match the previous one. When I say matching, it doesnāt necessarly have to contain the same subject. But it does have to be linked in some way. Imagine your every sentence as pieces of a single road. A perfect flow is a flat road on which you can easily walk. A bad flow is a rocky road stuffed with crevaces, holes and what not.
Hereās a little bonus to help you improving your writing quality.
Dialog correction example: Exctract from chapter 1.
Original: āEver since your dad left, my life becomes so empty, gloom and confusing, but then you always bring light to my loneliest day, keep me warm with your hugs and keep my mind straight whenever youāre near me, Luca, you became my life. But since then, you became independent and always took care of me. I love you so much son.ā
Suggestion:
āYour dadās departure left me emptyā¦ alone. Life turned gloomy, confusing even. But youā¦ā She smiled warmly, āyouāve always shone like a little sun, brightening up my life day after day, chasing away the loneliness and confusion. You became my everything. And even when you gained your independence, you still took care of me. For that, and many more reasons, my son, I love you.ā
Stuff like this, not my best but I donāt have enough stamina for more. Also, donāt consider using it for your novel. Itāll be too different from what you wrote before and wonāt benefit your flow. Thatās it for now. Cya amigo.