Yashima099
Honest review #2
Title: Didnât I say make me famous in my next life?
Author: Yashima099
Chapters read: until the latest update (chap 3)
Reading notes (Those are my notes. Might not make sense but I still wanted to leave it here):
Past tense and present tense confusing
Heart warming dialogs intent. But counteract by bad grammar and turns of phrases.
Punctuation issues
Overuse of capital letters
Volume 0 Character sheet. Bad for mystery
Huge description paragraph. No purpose.
Flow problem
Story: Hum too soon to judge. But it took you three chapters to get to the point where he revives. A tad too much to my opinion. A bit slow.
World building: At this stage, I really canât judge. Itâs too early. If Iâve read 10 or so chaps then maybe, I would be able to. But I saw some inspiration from Greek and other mythological gods. Sounds interesting so far.
Character design: They look alright and distinct from one another. However, according to your Volume 0 I can say that you put some thought into it. But, you do have the same issue as Honest Review #1. I donât know where trend to make character sheets or reveal your characters in an annex doc come from. I think itâs really weird. It chases away the mystery of the story and even the characters. Your sheets were particularly detailed. Too detailed to my opinion. Writing serves as the thread linking your story to your readers mind. However, if the thread is to thick it wonât enter the holes by which they enter readers mind. If itâs too small it will sever. Okay, all that chinese quote thing to say, donât be too descriptive about characters. Iâve once read a guy with perfect english and descriptions. But what a bore his story was. It was like he could describe a guy taking a single step forward with 2000 words. Sounds boring right? Anyway, just donât take away your readers imagination.
Writing quality: My favorite, because I hate it as much as you probably do. Okay, prepare yourself, fasten your seatbelt, wear an armor, etc. Ready? Okay. It took me out of the story. I donât know how the people the comment sections did, but I sure had a hard time. In chapter 1, I tried my best to stay focus, chapter 2, my mind started to waver, chapter 3 it was already elsewhere. I left you some paragraph comments to point out some of them. But hereâs the gist of it:
- Punctuation: You should check out punctuation rules online. Maybe youâre trying to give your story a certain style with specific punctuation. I get it. But if you donât master the basics, it wonât be believable. To me, it wasnât. Another point, careful with your paragraphs. The bigger they are the harder they fall. It hurts eyes. Break those up.
Wording and weird turn of phrases: Hum, not much that can be done in that regard. Just read and write.
The Flow: What I call the flow, donât know if others call it like this (maybe idk), is not some shenanigan about a secret liquid flowing through your texts. Itâs much more simple: Itâs when the next sentence doesnât match the previous one. When I say matching, it doesnât necessarly have to contain the same subject. But it does have to be linked in some way. Imagine your every sentence as pieces of a single road. A perfect flow is a flat road on which you can easily walk. A bad flow is a rocky road stuffed with crevaces, holes and what not.
Hereâs a little bonus to help you improving your writing quality.
Dialog correction example: Exctract from chapter 1.
Original: âEver since your dad left, my life becomes so empty, gloom and confusing, but then you always bring light to my loneliest day, keep me warm with your hugs and keep my mind straight whenever youâre near me, Luca, you became my life. But since then, you became independent and always took care of me. I love you so much son.â
Suggestion:
âYour dadâs departure left me empty⌠alone. Life turned gloomy, confusing even. But youâŚâ She smiled warmly, âyouâve always shone like a little sun, brightening up my life day after day, chasing away the loneliness and confusion. You became my everything. And even when you gained your independence, you still took care of me. For that, and many more reasons, my son, I love you.â
Stuff like this, not my best but I donât have enough stamina for more. Also, donât consider using it for your novel. Itâll be too different from what you wrote before and wonât benefit your flow. Thatâs it for now. Cya amigo.