Webnovel.Forum

Can i join in this conversation?

I know it still needs help so can you help me in what ways it may be lacking? Rating too please

42 years old Yoon chin-hae, was a jobless wreck who did nothing but stay in his mother's basement all day reading novels and watching anime.

He wasn't always like this, but the situations and circumstances he'd encountered, caused him to become a waste.

What happens when this waste finally loses his life in his world, only to wake up in another?

And also, there is something peculiar about this world apart from all it's dungeons, monsters, hunters, guilds, powers, weapons, artifacts and the impending apocalypse which was a nothing but a game played by gods, emissaries and Constellations.

It's the fact that this world is from the only novel he never got to finish in his past life.

Trying his best to survive in any way possible, he didn't know that now, he had become a bug in the system.

Going against the path he was fated to.

An Anomaly.

I'll be back to rate others after I finish the chapter I'm updating. I'm just leaving this here in the meantime.

Official_jenjen
First of all, too many single-line paragraphs. Join some of those suckers in holy matrimony.
No comma after the name and a comma between "all day" and "reading" in the 1st paragraph.
Change the 2nd paragraph to "The circumstances of his life caused him to become a waste".
The 3rd paragraph needs to be changed. Maybe something like, "He lost his life and woke up in another world"
And then the next one becomes, "There seems to be something peculiar...."
The line "and the impending ... and constellations" is misplaced. Exchange the position of this line and the next paragraph. End the line at "artifacts" and add the "It's the fact...." after it.
The apocalypse line could be changed to "He knew that the impending apocalypse was nothing more than a game ...."
"Going against the path he was fated to" shouldn't be on its own line. Wed this bastard to the previous line.
Keep the last line as it is. Or maybe add "..." (Ellipsis).

Official_jenjen

As probably evidenced by the mess of a first blurb I posted, I'm not the best at this, but here is what I think!

Firstly, conventions! The first sentence has punctuation and capitalization errors. Without changing any content and fixing this stuff, the first sentence would read more like this: "42-year-old Yoon Chin-hae was a jobless wreck who did nothing but stay in his mother's basement all day, reading novels and watching anime." It's certainly not the most important thing, but it's definitely part of that first impression.

The latter part of the second sentence feels redundant. It could be more like (if you don't want to combine it with the first instead): "But he wasn't like this at all until he encountered many [rough] situations and circumstances." I left "rough" in brackets since I really don't know anything about his background, but I'd assume that is the case.

The question posed is good, and it might be a better hook than the first sentence written there--if you're willing to reword some things for the sake of not sounding redundant or confusing. (Like, "a waste of a person/man" instead of "this waste" as you wouldn't have introduced the character yet.) Selene97's blurb is a good example of how to start with a question. I think this "bullet point" is more of your preference, but as I said to another commenter, that first sentence is vital due to how WN displays your book.

The fourth paragraph is way too specific. (I also have this problem of wanting to list everything.) You'd be better off just summarizing the gist of the stuff in that list and condensing it to two or three items at most.

The last four lines I quite like. Nice job~

By nature of it sounding like an isekai/transmigration/system novel, there will definitely be some generic elements to it, so I'd give it either a 6 or 7 out of 10.

dreamver2
I would be inclined to agree with you about the question, but you have to take into account the sheer amount of Isekai stories out there. Him dying and waking up in another world is NOT a hook for an isekai story. There are tags to tell the reader your story has that element to it.
Hence why I advised a shorter, more concise sentence to replace it.
Then again, this is just my personal opinion.

Incursio_07 I do agree with what you're saying on that, though I did find that to be the more interesting option between that and the sort of NEET introduction as that's equally common. Regardless, the advice you gave about giving that bit a rewrite is much more helpful, and I hope the author veers more in the direction.

(Thinking about it... What I said is about the same level of redundant as that one meme about someone's 'Romance' album being about 'falling in love'... Lol.)

As it has been established how lacking I am, I do not have the mind to rate others. But I have taken to your advices and decided to rewrite the blurb. Please continue to guide me.

"𝕴𝖋 𝕴 𝖉𝖔 𝖓𝖔𝖙 𝖐𝖓𝖔𝖜 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌"

" ....𝕴 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌."

At the age of 42, Yoon Chin-hae was a jobless wretch who did nothing but waste away in his mother's basement. Although, he wasn't always like this, but the things he'd faced and the things he'd caused led to his own detriment.

What will he do when he wakes up in an all too familiar world filled with magic, monsters and dungeons?

A world soon to be toyed with by the Gods?

There is only one thing to do. And that is to go against the fate that has been set in stone since the beginning. But beware, for even for a transmigrator, nothing is always as they seem.

Official_jenjen Actually, everything the other comment said is on-point to me. Otherwise, I'll just correct some smaller stuff, though I do think this is a rather large improvement from the first blurb.

Starting with a quote is another good approach for sure. I would caution you about special fonts a little as I know (usually Chinese) characters can get your story blacklisted. It definitely needs the ellipsis on the first bit as well. "However" might feel a little less awkward than "Although" at the start of that second sentence. Lastly, "nothing is always as it seems" would be more of the correct phrase just because it's usually used in the singular form.

Selene97
I second this.

Pixiepiu Not the person you replied to but hey! Just drop some feedback for someone else and then drop your own synopsis to join~

Official_jenjen

I understand the overall message this story is trying to send, a zero to hero. But perhaps you could tell us little tidbits that lead to his failure in life. Example: bad grades, girl/boyfriend leaves them. Mention a flaw or two to make us see him as a reprehensible human in need of improvement (but in few words). And perhaps leave out the "transmigrator" term. Not everyone will know what that means unless you explain it.

6/10

HERE IS MINE:

Are you the predator, or are you the prey?

Formerly known as the Crimson Fox, Shinnosuke returns to the world of his carnivorous peers of cursed humans known as the human beast. They reign supreme over the world of the Four Cores. But what is supremacy when a world is in ruins?

Requested to rescue a magician from the clutches of the Apex Prime, Shinnosuke is plunged into a plot to tear down the twelve gates that separate the world of the Four Cores from what made it whole. And together, with a magician and an alchemist, Shin ventures to battle powerful beasts, encounter like-minded allies, all the while learning what made the world what it is today. Choosing to embark on this journey, Shinnosuke discovers more than what humanity lost, what he lost. So will destroying what's divided the world make it whole again, or shatter it completely?

Lena, now in an old age home, recollects her short yet lovely romance in her teenage years, through a diary she wishes to publish. Albeit her love life flourishing, it brings along with it, some problems that negatively affect her dear ones, and at some point, her too. Laugh and cry with her, as she walks down memory lane, nostalgia accompanying her in the last moments of her life. [ I really don't mind if you're mean, just need good advice :'> ]