Paparazzi
Problem in second sentence (grammar-wise):
manifesting fear in anyone (should be one word) who has (you forgot has) gazed at its (it's is a conjunction of it and is. To describe possession, it's just its.) blackness. <-- For personal preference, I prefer depths OR darkness. By mentioning its depth, it's implied that they're staring at darkness while also an unfathomable presence.
(After I read everything):
I feel like there are two problems. One of your problems involves grammar and the other is word choice. Remember that the only reason why you write a book is for people to read it. If they can't easily read something, if they can't connect immediately to the story, then you have a problem on your hands. Let me show you something I wrote in middle school (seven years ago):
The hallway was white: sterile, like everything else in this building. I stooped a little bit to accommodate myself and to prevent my head from hitting the smooth ceiling. Large windows covered a little more than half of the wall and went from the beginning of the hall until the farthest I could see, although the windows were only on my right side and the left was a smooth, white wall much like the ceiling. I walked closer to the side without windows and lightly trailed my fingers as I went down the hall. The wall left a thin white film on the tips of the pads of my fingers, and my shoes made a satisfying thunk as they hit the white tile of the floor. I grin mischievously, the clean freaks of the department were probably going to go insane, bringing in the cleaning wipes to make sure none of the filth that is sure to be on my fingers stain the purity of the wall. I snort and I continue on my way, lumbering further down the hall. There was no one else in here with me.
I used a lot of complicated words (like accommodate) and also difficult wording (like on the tips of the pads of my fingers). You want to make sure that there are NO UNNECESSARY WORDS. A book doesn't need unnecessary words. Here's how I would write it now:
The hallway was a sterile white, like everything else in this building. I stooped a little bit to prevent my head from hitting the smooth ceiling. Large windows covered a little more than half of the wall and went from the beginning of the hall until the farthest I could see, though the windows were only on my right side and the left was a wall much like the ceiling. I walked closer to the left side and lightly trailed my fingers as I went down the hall. The wall left a thin white film on the tips of my fingers, and my shoes made a satisfying thunk as they hit the tile of the floor. I grin mischievously, the clean freaks of the department were probably going to go insane. I can imagine them bringing in the cleaning wipes to make sure that none of the filth that was sure to be on my fingers stains the "purity" of the wall. I snort and continue on my way, lumbering further down the hall. There was no one else in here with me.
Notice how I sometimes kept some of the more complicated words like "lumbering" or "purity". Here, it's a matter of importance. There is a specific reason as to why I choose these two words. 'Lumbering' is a word used to describe big, hulky objects as they move. I am characterizing my character here as tall (you can even notice it previously when she had to stoop to prevent herself from hitting the ceiling) as well as large. If I continue this story, then purity would be extremely important- it'll be one huge factor. As such, it wouldn't be smart of me to change it or use synonyms, because I want to make sure that the readers notice it and will be reminded of its importance. That's why if I continued, "purity" would be the only word I'll use to describe something pure, untainted, etc.
Here are words that you chose that aren't really helping the story in anyway except for adding confusion and the word I would change it to:
emerged --> appeared
irritate --> annoy
onset --> beginning
rocked --> went through him
crown --> head
dissipating --> disappearing
The other words are important and add something to the story.
Here is an example of the grammar/word choice mistakes:
"His name is Malazan Bournsurn, the sole heir of my liege. You best remember it." <-- you used "better". Better isn't the right word here, especially since he's talking to a superior. "Best" in this case is still respectful, but the content reveals his mild irritation.
Honestly, they made it so that I can't copy your prologue into a google doc and make changes to it. So, copy your prologue into a google doc and then send me a discord. I'll send you my gmail. That way, I can fix your prologue and you'd be able to see what I mean.
Lol, I'm tired. I should be doing homework right now.
